Page 61 of Make the Play
Eddie nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. “My parents think it’s a phase he’ll outgrow. Which is possible. I mean he’s four, so he might, but I don’t like the way people talk about him like he’s not there because they don’t expect to see a little boy in firetruck boots and a pink tutu. Pisses me the fuck off.”
“Most people aren’t assholes about it though, right?”
“Nah, not where we send the kids. Their preschool is great, but I worry.”
Jason breathes in the salt air, lungs oddly tight. This isn’t the first time he and Eddie have had a conversation like this, but it’s the first since Jason’s realization over the weekend, and it hits differently.
“If anyone gives you guys a problem, let me know.”
“We’re good, Coach.” Eddie gulps down some of the coffee Jason knows to be in his travel mug. The man is addicted. “The support is appreciated though. Honestly it’s too early to know what it all means for him, he’s a kid. I just want him to have the freedom to be himself until he knows who that is, you know?”
Jason does know. Or he thought he did. He’s thirty and only now realizing he is maybe, possibly, not as straight as he always thought. He has no idea what he is, but he’s quite certain having a crush on his male coworker means that he is not straight. Although thinking that is a disservice to Emerson. He’s not just Jason’s coworker, he’s his friend, one of the closest he’s ever had, which led Jason to spiraling the entire weekend about what it all meant. He spent a few hours convinced he was just confusing friendship with affection but then he’d thought about Emerson’s pretty eyes and hard-to-earn smiles leading to the thought that he wouldn’t mind kissing him—something he’d never once in over two decades of friendship thought about Theo.
“Where’s Matty by the way?” Eddie’s eyes scan the field where the players are currently running agility drills. “I don’t see him. He’s not hurt, is he? Shit, we can’t lose our quarterback homecoming week, we'll be screwed.”
“He’s not hurt,” Jason assures him, struggling to focus on football when all his brain wants to do is think about Emerson.
Why him? He’s had countless close male friends before. Not once has he ever wanted to touch them the way he does Emerson. He thought it was just his normal tactile nature but after this past weekend, he’s realized a few things about himself—namely that he’s pretty damn handsy with Emerson. The more he acknowledged this, the easier it was to admit how much he likes touching Emerson, how right it is to have him within reach. Nothing feels as good as having his arms around him, but being able to lay a hand at his back or his shoulder is a close second.
Over the weekend, when Emerson fell asleep during their movie night, his body had slumped sideways into Jason. It’d felt so natural to lift his arm and curl Emerson into him. When Emerson woke up an hour later, he’d been sleepy, confused and then blushed when he realized he was all but in Jason’s lap. For the first time Jason thought,I could lean down and kiss him. He did not, both because kissing people without permission isn’t Jason’s idea of a good time, and because realizing he wanted to kiss a man for the first had been a little overwhelming. He waited until the movie ended and Emerson was safely home before laying face down on his bed and having a minor breakdown, both dogs barking at his back as if they sensed his unease and hated it as much as Jason did.
Laying there in the dark unable to sleep, he’d tried to compare how he felt for Emerson to how he felt for any of his ex-girlfriends, but that was a futile comparison. Looking back it's easy for Jason to realize he’d always been the one pursued in relationships, oftentimes ending up with women who appreciated his size and his football reputation more than his personality. Jason has always liked making people happy. At least, until their happiness came at the expense of his friendship with Theo, or wanting to use Jason as some kind of arm candy, and then he was able to recognize how little they madehimhappy.
Sure he’d liked them at first, but Jason liked almost everyone, so he’s not sure that is a good litmus test. The more he thought about it the more he realized, he’d never been all that upset when the relationships ended because he’d never been attached to any of them. Did that mean he’d been acting out of subconscious heteronormativity? He didn’t think so since he enjoyed the sex, but then again Jason was also just as happy to jerk off by himself as he was to get off with someone else, so he’s not even sure what that means.
When not in a relationship, he’d never liked hook ups or one night stands, finding them far too impersonal. Did that make him some level of ace? He didn't think that fit either. He didn’t need an emotional connection for sex, he just preferred it.
Charlie told him in no uncertain terms that he didn’t need a label to like Emerson, which was all well and good, except that Emerson liked when things made sense. How would he feel if Jason confessed while not understanding his feelings at all? Would it make him uneasy? Anxious? Maybe he doesn’t even return Jason’s feelings. Whatever the hell those feelings are. Being gay doesn’t mean he’s automatically attracted to all men, or Jason.
Maybe Emerson only likes him as a friend, and this wondering and worrying is pointless. Maybe Jason’s having some giant queer awakening for nothing. Not that you have to be in a relationship to be queer, but Jason wants one. At least, he thinks he does. He’d been content to not have one for years, but watching Theo and Alec dredged up a longing for companionship that didn’t quite make sense until Emerson came along and filled in all the little holes in Jason’s heart he hadn’t even known existed.
“You alright, Jason?”
For whatever reason, Eddie rarely calls him by his first name, so the use of it drags him from the brink.
“I’m good, just uh, remembered I forgot something,” Jason lies, hating himself for the deception but needing a few minutes to gather his thoughts. It’s not going to do his team any good to see him anxious, especially not this week. They count on him to always be strong and steady, and he will be. He just needs to pull his shit together. “Think you can hold down practice for me?”
“You know I can,” Eddie assures him, pulling his whistle out of his pocket and slipping the lanyard around his neck like he’s been waiting for just this moment.
“I’ll hurry.”
Eddie shakes his head, clapping Jason on the back. “I got this, no worries.”
Jason grins despite the turmoil coiling itself around his lungs. He knows he can count on Eddie, which is exactly why he makes such an incredible assistant coach. Not only do the kids love him, he’s reliable as hell like Jason. Or at least, as reliable as Jason is when he’s not having a sexuality crisis.
Halfway across the lawn, he pulls out his phone to call Theo, pocketing it just as quickly. If there’s anyone in the world who would understand what he’s going through it’s his best friend but something stops him. He doesn’t want to ask Theo to lie to Alec or keep secrets from him, not after all the shit they’ve been through. Neither is he in the mood for everyone to know his business, which would happen if Alec knew.
Hell, Alec would probably throw him a coming out party. Although Jason’s not sure if it counts as coming out if he’s just vaguely confused and still not sure if he’s got heartburn or something else, because every time he thinks about Charlie flirting with Emerson his chest burns. He kind of hates himself for keeping it a secret. He’s got the world’sbestfriend, and not only are all of his brothers queer, they would support him. Jason is lucky as fuck because he has nothing to lose, at least not with his family. It’s just that Jason has no idea what any of this means, and he would kind of rather figure it out, at least a little bit, before making any big declarations or sharing it with his entire well-meaning but nosy as shit family.
Maybe it's panic, or maybe he’s being selfish. Either way, he’d like to keep a bit of this to himself for as long as he can. For reasons he can’t explain, or maybe doesn’t want to think about because it makes him feel even more panicky, he knows Emerson is something special—someone once in a lifetime—and he doesn’t want to fuck it up.
Whatever is going on in Jason’s head he needs to be damn sure he understands it before he drags Emerson into it. Either Emerson won’t return his feelings and Jason needs to be emotionally fortified to handle the rejection, or Emerson does at which point Jason better be damn sure what his feelings mean because if there is one thing Jason is sure of, it’s that he won’t hurt Emerson.
Whatever Emerson wants, whatever he needs, Jason wants to give him.
That alone should probably be all the tip off Jason needs. Even with his exes, he’d wanted to make them happy but not like this. Trying to mesh their wants with his own life had felt like constantly having to sacrifice what he loved and wanted for them, like two magnets trying to repel. Emerson fits into Jason’s life in a way that makes it hard for him to believe less than six weeks ago he didn’t even know him. Now, he can’t imagine his life without him.
Now, he wants to kiss him.
