Page 121 of Break the Rule
“Only because of you,” Charlie gripes.
Ignoring his outburst, Andrew moves into the room collecting Charlie’s discarded clothes from the floor before shoving them into the hamper in the corner. Suddenly, Charlie doesn’t want answers, or to deal with his brothers, he wants to hide in bed and ignore everything and everyone.
Flashbacks of his conversation with Andrew after the Friendsgiving fiasco flood his mind. How broken Andrew had looked, how hurt Charlie had been at not knowing that someone he considered a friend had hurt the person he loved most in the world, and the guilt of having been the one to keep him in their lives and invite him there.
Despite their lengthy conversation, it was hard to reconcile his own mess of feelings. It was hard to acknowledge that he’d been flippant and oblivious enough that Andrew had kept something so painful to himself for so long.
In typical Andrew fashion, he’d tried to brush it under the rug and move on, but Charlie hadn’t let him. Except finding out that Andrew had spent a good chunk of their lives feelinginferior to Charlie, like the second choice twin, had not made Charlie feel better. If anything, it made him feel ten times worse. Andrew swears he doesn’t blame Charlie or hold grudges, but Charlie knows it’s going to be a long time before he can forget.
Last night, he’d promised himself to be better, to do better, but then he started thinking about Andrew’s lost expression when he’d shared his feelings after Zach left. He’d thought about Eden walking away. Then he didn’t want to do or be anything, thus drinking himself into oblivion.
Now in the light of day all the memories are still there along with a wicked hangover.
“I’m going back to sleep, Andrew. Go away and make everyone leave.”
“No.”
“Fine, then talk to me.”
“Are we going to talk about how you’re avoiding your feelings and need to deal with this shit with Eden?”
“I was thinking we could talk about how you repress your feelings and didn’t tell me how you really felt for fifteen years, Annie.”
“It’s not a big deal, I'm over it.”
“Well I’m not over it,” Charlie groans, unsure if he’s more hurt by Andrew’s omission or ashamed at his own behavior for making Andrew feel like he couldn’t share.
“Well get over it.”
“That is not how feelings work.”
“It’s how mine work. I decided I’m over it so I am.”
“No, you decided you don’t want to feel anything anymore, and you’re repressing it.”
“Says the man who has been using cheap tequila to ignore his own feelings.”
“You have no idea why I’ve been drinking,” Charlie says, even though he knows that out of everyone in his life Andrew is probably the only person who always understands him.
“Let me guess, you were angry and embarrassed and decided that not dealing with how you make other people feel would be easier than being sober.”
“Fuck you, Annie.”
Andrew’s expression softens, and he crosses the room, pulling Charlie into a hug. He resists at first then lets Andrew hold him up, sinking into the embrace the same way he did when they were kids.
“I’m sorry,” Charlie mumbles.
“Me too,” Andrew whispers.
“Ugh, my head hurts,” Charlie whines when the sound of the lawnmower outside kicks on. “I hate you.”
“You don’t hate me, your blood sugar levels are out of whack from poor nutrition and too much alcohol, and you’re cranky because you miss Eden.”
Hearing Eden’s name makes Charlie’s heart twist uncomfortably. He’s angry and hurt but most of all sad. So goddamn sad. Which is exactly why he’s isolated himself the last few days so he doesn’t have to think or feel.
“It’s okay to miss him, you know, and to be sad. That’s a normal human emotion.”
“Don’t tell me how I feel,” Charlie snaps, cycling from guilty to sad to angry. Tequila is evil, and he should never drink it again. He is way too hungover to handle such a wide spectrum of emotions.
