Page 97 of Resurrection
I don’t know what to say. So I stay quiet.
"Hey, Nomes?"
"Yeah."
"I really am sorry…for leaving you."
"You already said that."
"You know, lately, I’ve been wondering…a lot… If it was all worth it. Giving up on you…on us. The things I did these past seventeen years, I never really did anything I wanted. I followed orders. I was just a stand-in. A stand-in for a dead guy. No legacy of my own… Just a substitute." He's unraveling, the threads of his life coming apart in my hands.
I tie a knot, or at least, I try to. "It's not like that, Ty."
He looks at me, his blue eyes clouded with all the things he can't quite utter. "Then what is it? What am I?"
"More," I reply, and my voice is firmer than I’d expect. "More than you think."
I shift to sit a little closer to him, and the bed dips as if with the weight of what's always been there between us. The blinds let in a slice of moonlight that cuts across his face, and the room feels too small for everything we aren't saying.
"I'm not good enough," he whispers, and it breaks my heart to hear him so raw. "Not good enough to write my own music."
"What’s stopping you now that you’re not tied up by a contract and have all this time on your hands?"
"Don’t know."
"Well, maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to writing. Your songs, the ones you wrote in high school, were great."
"I wish that was true. I'm just filling in for someone who died."
I reach for his hair to move it away from his eyes. "You saved them, Ty. The band was a mess, and you made it work. Your path is different from his and that’s okay. Sometimes, we’re trailblazers, and sometimes we’re saviors. There’s nothing wrong with continuing someone’s legacy. Those are the hardest shoes to fill for the toughest people."
He lets out a shaky breath, one that feels like it's been trapped inside him for too long. "You always see the good in people, even when there is none."
"Don’t be stupid, Tyler Brady. There’s a lot of good in you. You’re just lost."
"I need a map to get out of this maze, Nomes."
"I don’t have one."
"What if you do."
"We’re all a mess," I say softly. "Not just you. We all have shit to deal with."
His shirt has pulled up a bit, and the ink on his skin tells stories I don't know anymore. But I want to. God help me, I want to.
He shifts closer, his sneaky arm around my neck all of a sudden. "Can’t lose everything again. Can’t lose you again."
The room is pin-drop quiet, and I can hear the thud of his heart. I lean my head against his shoulder, and his other arm wraps around me, cautious and careful.
"It's just for tonight," I whisper, knowing it won't be, knowing my revenge plan is ruined already.
"That's all I need," he replies, and we both know he's lying.
I shouldn't stay. Not when his parents are just down the hall. Not when I've just gotten back to a life that finally makes sense without a man. But he's so broken, and I'm so broken, and together, we make something that feels almost whole.
His breathing starts to slow, matching mine. I rest my head against his chest, the steady rhythm beneath me pulling me under. The moonlight cuts stripes across us, across the shadows that hide nothing and everything all at once.
I don't mean to fall asleep, but it happens anyway, like we both knew it would.
