Page 133 of Light My Fire Three Times
I swallow hard. “It’s not like that, Ivy.”
“So, what is it like?”
This could be my time. My chance to tell her everything, but we didn’t discuss this.
I don’t know how ready Olivia is for Ivy to know everything. So I don’t manage to say a word.
“You’re doing the same damn thing you always do. Acting like you’re the good guy, telling everyone what they should do, but behind closed doors, you’re doing the same shit you told me was wrong!”
I feel my chest tighten, and this time I can’t avoid the guilt creeping up on me. I open my mouth, but no words come out. She’s right, isn’t she? I should’ve been honest from the start. I should’ve told Ivy before any of this went too far.
But I didn’t.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ivy presses. “Why did I have to find out from rumors? Why was I the last to know? You’re seriously keeping this from me, Jesse?”
I feel the anger rise in my chest now. “It wasn’t like that, Ivy. It’s complicated.”
She laughs, but it’s not a laugh of amusement. It’s bitter, a slap. “Complicated? You’re telling me it’s complicated?” Her eyes narrow. “You know what’s complicated? Where do you and I go from here? Because how can I trust you again?”
I swallow hard, suffocating under her words. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to hurt her.
I never wanted to be the one who did exactly what I hated: keeping secrets, playing games, and being a hypocrite.
But that’s what I’ve become.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Ivy. But this…” I let out a long breath, struggling to find the right words. “This is just… it’s not easy. It’s not black and white.”
“Then explain it to me. When did this start?”
I sigh heavily. “The first night she came here.”
Ivy gasps. “The night I couldn’t have dinner with her?”
All I can do is nod. “Things got out of hand quickly, and it just kept happening.” I meet her eyes, hating the disappointment there. “We really do care about one another now. This isn’t just athinganymore.”
“I don’t know what to say to you, Jesse. I really don’t.”
Ivy takes a long, hard look at me, and I can see the walls coming up behind her eyes. Her warmth is gone, replaced by the cold that comes when someone feels completely betrayed.
“You don’t have to say anything, Ivy,” I say quietly. “I know I messed up. I should’ve told you. I should’ve been upfront with you from the beginning. But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
She stares at me for a moment longer, and I can see her fighting with herself, trying to decide if she’s going to say something else or if this is the end of the conversation. Then she exhales sharply. She’s holding back pain and nods.
“I don’t know what to do with this, Jesse. You really… I really thought you were better than this.”
“Ivy…” I start, but she shakes her head, cutting me off.
“Don’t. I don’t have the energy for this right now.” She turns on her heel, heading toward the door, her steps sharp and quick. “You’ve made your choices. I’m done.”
I want to say something, anything to make it right, but I can’t. Nothing I say now will fix this. I stand there as she opens the door, her back to me, her posture stiff and final.
And then she’s gone.
The door slams shut with a quiet thud that rings louder than any of her words ever could. I don’t know how long I stand there, frozen, my chest tight, but eventually I drag myself to the couch and collapse, my hands gripping my head.
I’m not the good guy. I never was. And now I’ve hurt the people I care about most.
I grab my phone, my hands shaky as I unlock it, scrolling through my contacts before I hit Karl’s name.
