Page 35 of Nyx
His eyes always share his secrets, and maybe mine do, too, because for a long time we just stare at each other. Maybe he sees in them everything I can’t say out loud. “Yeah,” he finally breathes, then swallows, and I watch the front of his throat work as he gives his head a small shake. “Us.”
I want to tell him now.
That he’s made me want to be brave, and for the first time, I want more from this life. I need to show himwhyI don’t want him to go, and beg him to stay. Beg and plead that I might be enough, that he said I could beenough,and I’d try, I’dtry,if he’d only give me a chance to be.
I want to tell him that I care too much to lose him, and I don’t know if I’ll survive if he’s taken from me now.
But I don’t tell him.
Because I can’t.
Because I don’t know how.
Reyes seems to understand that he’s dropped something on me that I don’t know how to respond to, because he nods and runs a hand over his hair, smoothing it back as his eyes drop to the ground. “I need you to understand that I don’t want to leave you.”
“Then don’t,” I whisper.
“What am I doing if I can’t even take care of you? If I can’t give you the very basics of what you need to survive?” he demands, his voice raising, but he isn’t angry with me. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever been able to do, and if I fail atthis, too, where does it leave me? Ihaveto do this, Nyx. For you, and yeah, maybe a little for myself. Do you know how much regret I’ve lived with since the night of that attack? How much that guilt tears me up inside? I need to prove to myself that I’m not a coward.”
“More than you need to stay with me?” I ask quietly, and his entire face falls, but he doesn’t say anything, and I think that might hurt worse. Those voices have me in their grips now, swirling and screaming that I was foolish for ever thinking this life could grant me something worth keeping. That he’s leaving because he wants to, and I’m being tossed aside again. Not enough, never enough, and if I’m not enough to make him stay, then he just needs to…
“Go,” I whisper, tears blurring my vision.
Go, before I shatter.
Before he’s reminded I’m a broken thing, and broken things can’t always be fixed, no matter how hard we might try to mend them. Stitches and glue may hold the pieces in place, but they’re never complete again.
Never whole.
“Not like this,” he begs, and my inhale shudders in my lungs as the first of my tears slips free. “Please, Nyx. You are so important to me. Don’t make me leave you this way.” We stand there for what might be hours, a never-ending supply of tears raining down my cheeks as he waits, and waits, andwaitsfor an answer I’m powerless to give.
“Okay,” Reyes finally whispers, and the invisible hands around my throat tighten further as he takes a step back. He’d never force me to talk even if he can’t understand my silence, but maybe he should. Maybe he needs tograb me and pull me from this dark place, because I can’t get out on my own.
“I can see you’re upset with me. I’ll… give you space, alright? We’ll be back in a couple of days, and I’ll come find you.” Another slow step backwards, away from me, and I shove my palm against my mouth as a sob wracks my entire body. The world is a blur as I watch him turn to retreat into the woods.
I rush over and grab the hem of his shirt, squeezing the fabric between my fingers like I have every time—desperate to get close and terrified to take the final step. “Come back to me,” I force out, the words torn and uneven. “You promised. Come back.”
He nods a few times, and he swipes his hand over his eyes. “I’ll always come home to you, Nyx.” When he turns in my direction, he’s uncertain. Crystal remnants of unshed tears cling to his thick lashes, and his gaze drops to my fingers wrapped around his shirt.
Ever so slowly, his hand reaches for mine. His thumb slides over my knuckles in the gentlest of touches, and my heart lodges in my throat at the rush of static that shoots through my body. My eyes widen as he glances at me in question, afraid he’s done something wrong.
But I can’t speak. Can’t move, can’t think, or hear or smell or see anything aside from him.
I can’t evenbreathe.
The world moves around me, lights and colors and sounds, but I’m frozen in time. No control over my actions, like there’s a stranger in my body, and I’m nothing more than a bystander watching as life happens before my eyes.
Reyes says something else, some sweet goodbye with a promise of his return and I nod. I don’t want to nod, but Ido,and I say goodbye even though I don’t mean it. I don’t want him to go, and I need him tostay,but I’m frozen here.
Paralyzed.
My heart beats so wildly I’m not convinced it won’t jump right out of my chest and land at his feet, begging him tosee…to understand what I can’t explain. What he couldn’t possibly know. One last sad smile crosses his face, and he walks away as the earth tilts underneath my feet.
I’ve experienced this before.
Been here.
Felt this certainty.
