Page 47 of Nyx
“He offered his body for their research. Offered mine, too, though it was not his to give. But he gave it, and they took it, regardless. Used it. Usedme.Eventually, he died.” Unwilling to pull my hand from his, I set my glass on the table and trace over the scars above my elbow. “It should not have hurt. I hated him, but when they killed him, it felt like they carved out a piece of my soul.”
“They killed him?” he asks cautiously, his voice thick.
“I never learned whether it was on purpose or an accident. The thought used to terrify me.”
“That they might kill you, too?”
“That theyneverwould,” I admit in a whisper. “I was not scared they would kill me. I was afraid it would never end. That they would stretch out my years. Keep me alive to serve their curiosity. So many times, I longed for the quiet of death. Begged for it.”
“Nyx,” he whispers, and I offer him a faint tilt of my lips. It’s not a smile, but I try to make it a comfort. This story is one I’ve never shared with anyone, and now that I’m telling it, I want to finish before I lose my nerve.
“The day Ronan and Cameron opened my cage… they told me they would wait outside. I did not know them. Strangers. They could have been a new kind of evil. Could have hurt me, and I was so tired of hurting. There was a… a knife on the table. A guard left it there, and I considered it then… taking my life. Claiming the quiet I had always been denied.” His hand tightens against mine, and he’s shaky as he takes a deep breath. “I did not want them to have me again… they could nothave meagain. I would not allow it.”
“Nyx,” he rasps, and gods, there’s so much pain in his voice.
“Should I stop?” I ask, my voice trembling.
“No,” he breathes, and I nod, gathering my courage.
“I… I held it. It was in my hands, and I was so steady.Sosteady. So ready for the quiet.”
“What stopped you?”
I swallow hard as I catch my breath, allowing myself to soak in the comfort of his hand on mine. “There was a hole in the roof of my tent. Just a small one. The sunlight seemed a fitting place to do it. A life in the darkness could end in the light. It felt… right. I had never been given a choice, but I could choose this. I could decide how I left this life.”
My eyes close as I think back to that day, and the way the sun warmed my face. “I… I knelt under that sunlight. I knew my story would never be told. Any memories of mewould die in that tent. I had accepted that. I pressed the blade to my wrist, and I saw it. A flower in the corner. Growing where it should not have grown, in the dark and alone.”
“What flower?” he asks.
My fingers squeeze his as I open my eyes and meet his gaze. “Akatsurrel.Even back then, I believe you came for me when I needed you.”
“Nyx,” he whispers for the third time. My name is a heartbreakingly soft plea, and I blink away my tears.
“It’s alright,” I whisper back.
“It isn’t.” He swipes his hand over his eyes. They’re red-rimmed and exhausted, and my guilt doubles when I see how much I’m weighing him down with my past. “None of it is alright. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“Perhaps,” I agree, closing my eyes again because the sight of him so sad hurts worse than any physical torture I’ve experienced. “But it is the life I was granted. One without choice.”
“You have a choice now. You always have a say in what happens to you.” He hesitates, then turns our hands until he fits his fingers in between mine, stitching us together. “And I’d very much like to be your choice, Nyx.”
“I don’t know how to do this,” I whisper.
“Me neither, but we’ll figure it out together.”
“I might… hurt you. It will never be on purpose, but my mind… sometimes I cannot find my way through the fog.”
“You never have to apologize for that,” Reyes says as he takes a deep breath. “Don’t you think we both deservea chance to be happy? Too much of my life has been spent being afraid. I’m not afraid of this.”
I sit for a long time, not bothering to tell him Iamafraid of it. He already knows, and rehashing that truth won’t change anything. “What if you don’t like who I become?” I finally ask.
He’s quiet for a moment longer, but I appreciate his silence. It means he’s considering the question instead of saying what he thinks I want to hear. Eventually he says, “You’ve never been given a chance to find yourself. Anything you decide to do, anyone you become… I’ll be right here. No matter what, you’ll always be perfect in my eyes.”
“Don’t leave me again,” I whisper, and realize I’m already demanding more of him. Exhaustion hits full force after the emotional blow of my story, and I can’t help the tremble of my lip. The mattress shifts as he stands from the bed. My eyes fly open as I squeeze his hand tighter, as if I could ever hold him there.
“I’m not leaving,” he swears, his voice gentle in the way he only is with me. Reyes is rough and combative with the others, quick to argue, but with me, there’s only sweetness. Soft hands guide my head to the pillow, and as much as I try to fight it, my mind goes fuzzy as my eyes drift shut.
“Lie down, sweetheart. You need to sleep, and I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
