Page 1 of Nyx
Nyx
Theworldissilent,and I am weightless.
Soft ripples of sunlight dance and shimmer from above, the rays reaching through the water to caress my face. Tiny bubbles cascade around me and float towards the sky, bobbing lazily upward as an exhale pushes from my lips. Their shadows disrupt the stream of sunshine, but most of them never break the surface.
Most of them never escape.
The burgeoning happiness in my chest stalls in my throat, lodging itself in my windpipe until I choke on its memory. It would steal my breath if I wasn’t already holding it, but the lack of oxygen doesn’t bother me. Rough hands and metal collars have stolen my ability to breathe for so long, my body is numb to the instinct that begs me to give it precious fuel.
You are free, I remind myself.
You escaped.
Free.
Free.
My lungs ache with the need to take in fresh air, but I’m not ready to give up the tranquility of this place. Down here, everything is quiet.
The voices.
The memories.
Theworld.
Thick clusters of bubbles cling to my skin, and the sun beats harder, coaxing me to leave this watery grave. But leaving means thinking. It means breathing, hearing, and seeing.Feeling.
I just want a moment where I don’t feel anything at all.
I feel too much in this place. Sorrow and confusion, mostly, but there’s relief hiding between them. A deep yearning for connection that I don’t know how to fulfill, and phantom memories of happier times that I can’t bring to light.
I don’t know what to do with any of it.
Ljómur was hell on Earth, but at least I could be empty. Could live in this hollow chest and thrive inside the desolation of a mind wiped clean. Let gravity hold this husk of a body to the ground while life passed around me.
It’s wrong to miss it, but I do.
No one cared when I detached… when I retreated into this void, and my existence was erased from this world. I was forgotten so thoroughly that I questioned whether I had ever truly been there.
Maybe I disappeared altogether.
Maybe I could disappear now.
It would be easier.
There, it went unnoticed when I got lost in the recesses of my mind. I could escape to this snowy white, staticky void without the questions. Without the incessant attempts to cheer me up,or the efforts to make me engage, or the never-ending, soothing whispers that ask if I’malright.
I’m not alright. Of course I’m not. The world has moved on, haschanged,and I no longer fit in this life.
Sometimes I can pretend.
Sometimes it almost feels real.
But I don’t know how to belong.
The only world I understand is cold floors and threadbare blankets. Barred doors and hunger andpain. Apologies for everything I’m doing wrong that never seem to reach the ears of the hands that bind me. Silent tears andI’m sorryand wishing for the darkness to carry me away from it all.
A warbled sound leaves my mouth, taking with it the last of my oxygen. My cries are lost to the water’s embrace, and my tears are mere drops within this larger, ever-moving pool. They’re unsubstantial, as has always been my fate.
