Page 45 of Nyx
My pain doesn’t come from the mark.
It comes from understanding I can never offer him what he deserves.
I pull the cup from his hand before I allow myself to want more of this contact. The first sip soothes the scratchiness in my mouth and throat, and it makes me greedy. I tip it up, taking great swallows to quench my thirst.
“Easy,” Reyes murmurs, gently gripping the end of the glass to keep me from drinking so fast, and I obediently give myself a moment to swallow. “Don’t make yourself sick. You need to eat something if you think you can. Ronan brought some muffins yesterday.”
“Yesterday?” I ask, my voice coming out weak as I catalogue the stress on his face. The wrinkles on his forehead are deeper than usual, and dark bags paint the skin under his eyes. “How long…?”
He tries to offer me a reassuring smile, but there’s no hiding the pain behind it. “We’ve been back for three days. I’m not sure how long you were… asleep… before that.”
“How long were you gone?” I ask, and Reyes busies himself in the kitchen, carrying half a muffin on a small plate that he presents to me. I tear off a piece and chew, and he gestures at the bed.
“Can I sit?” I nod, and he’s careful as he joins me, leaning against the wall with his knee barely brushing mine. “We were gone for two and a half days. I would never have left if I had realized, Nyx. The mark didn’t form until nighttime, and I was asleep, and…”
“It is okay,” I whisper, but he shakes his head.
“It isn’t. I should’ve been here for you. If I had been here, you wouldn’t have been hurting like this. I could’ve protected you.” He sighs, rubbing his thumb over the glowing marks that dot the inside of his hand. “We werealready there, but I wanted to turn around and come right back. Taryn and Lillith insisted we finish the job we came for, and I fought, Nyx, I really did, but it wasn’t my choice.”
“Did you? Finish?”
He nods, pointedly gesturing at my muffin, and doesn’t continue until I eat. “We found everything we went for, and I looked for you as soon as we got back.”
“I am sorry,” I whisper, and his eyes are confused as they whip to mine.
“Why are you sorry?”
Quiet falls between us, and I take another bite to give my mind time to consider my words. “You do not want this,” I finally say. “Not with me.”
He rears back as if I slapped him. “Why would you think that?”
“You deserve better. Someone who is not…” I shrug, staring at my plate. “Damaged.”
“You aren’t damaged.”
“Iam,” I insist, my voice louder than I intend. His eyes turn pleading as he stares at me, waiting for more. “I don’t even know why I fall apart sometimes. Every tiny, silly thing breaks me. Scared, always so scared. Of everything. Even you.”
“You’re scared of me?” He whispers the words, but the emotion in them makes me close my eyes.
“Of not being enough, yes. What could I offer you?”
“Who said you have to offer me anything?” he demands, and his timid concern gives way to frustration.
“Me. You deserve so much,” I argue, “but I have nothing. I have always had nothing.Look around. I amtrapped.”
He’s quiet for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip until it swells. “If you can’t leave that place, then let me come inside with you. You don’t have to do it alone.”
“I don’t know any other way.” My fingers grip the blanket, squeezing its warmth as I continue to stare at the bed. “You deserve better.”
I brace myself for the anger that will follow, but Reyes only speaks softer. Even in his frustration, he is gentle. “How about you let me decide what I deserve? Why do you get to make that decision for us both?” My gaze flutters up to his. The same exhaustion that seeps from his voice stares back at me with tired eyes.
I am already taking from him.
Fresh tears slip free as I tentatively reach for his hand, hooking his pinkie with mine as I pull in a shuttering inhale. “What if this is all I have to offer? What ifthisis as good as it gets?”
“What if it’s enough?”
Another crippling wave of emotion hits me, and I close my eyes as the back of my head thunks against the wall. “I wanted to tell you. At the rocks.”
