Page 82 of Nyx
He grimaces and looks out the window, and for a moment I don’t think he’ll answer. But eventually, he sighs. “Have you ever gone into something half-blind?” A sudden, rueful laugh leaves him as he traces the strap of his eyepatch. “Appropriate wording, I suppose. You have to understand that I was born and raised in the city. Military control wasn’t anything I ever questioned. It’s just how it was, especially in a military family.”
“Your parents were soldiers?” I ask, and he’s quiet again.
“Yeah. Still are, unless something has happened since I left.”
“And what would they think about your current… situation?”
He glances at me in the mirror and gives a small shake of his head. “Let’s just say if I ever saw them again, they’d treat me as the enemy.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugs, scanning the trees before he continues. “When I was old enough, I trained at the clinic, andeventually worked for the project. I was ambitious. I wanted the numbers… wanted to make my parents proud byearningmy promotion. If I got good enough results, no one could blame it on favoritism. So I put out extra flyers, and looked for mates that were hiding their marks. Scouted, and never once felt guilty for doing it.”
“And did they?” I ask, and his single eye is heavy as it returns to mine. “Promote you?”
“Yeah. The youngest medic to reach my rank in four decades. I was proud. My parents were proud. Everyone was just so fuckingproud, patting me on the back and telling me what a great job I was doing. They kept saying it, so it had to be true, didn’t it?” He scoffs and shakes his head, the leather of the steering wheel creaking as his hands tighten around it. “I was cocky, and so fucking arrogant. When they assigned me to Ljómur, I went in with my shoulders back like I was going to be the one running that place.”
“What changed?”
Silence fills the van as he stares off into the woods where Ronan disappeared. “Everything,” he finally whispers. “By then, it was too late. I was the golden boy. Theprodigy.” He laughs again, one of those hateful, self-loathing sounds I’ve heard from him in the past. “It gave me access that others didn’t have, but I never used it like I should’ve. No one spends time around the High Commanders.Noone, but I did. One of them, at least. He came to present my promotion, and I could’ve killed him then if I’d had any backbone. I could’ve blown that place up before it ruined anyone else’s life.”
“I don’t think that’s fair,” I say, and he glances at me skeptically. “I know nothing about the military, obviously, but I can’t imagine a High Commander travels without protection. You think that you, a singlemedic—”
“Hey, I can fight,” he argues, arching his brow. “We’re soldiers first… and I’m a damn good shot.”
“Okay, fine. My point still stands. I doubt you could’ve gotten within ten feet of him before they took you down.”
He hums a thoughtful sound, but doesn’t seem convinced. “Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have tried.” He half turns in his seat, finally looking directly at me, before his gaze shifts to Nyx. “How do you not hate me?”
Nyx stiffens for a moment before he relaxes back into my side, and his feet shift like they do when he’s thinking. “I remember,” Nyx says, and Xeni’s face draws tight with apprehension. “Every time… you had to force me. Sad eyes. You always said you were sorry.”
“Iwassorry.” Xeni’s gaze moves out the window again. “Still am.”
“You didn’t want to be there any more than I did,” Nyx says, and Xeni shakes his head without looking at him.
“Not once I figured out how badly I’d fucked up, and by then, I was already too deep to do anything about it. My bed was made, and the consequences were mine to shoulder. I couldn’t leave. Even if I could’ve gotten away, they would have just replaced me with someone more ruthless. I had accepted my fate.”
“It was bittersweet when they moved me to Glaston. A relief, obviously, as selfish as that is. I knew whatit meant. A group of us had worked together for over a decade, and the only reason they’d risk moving us was if there was something even bigger coming. They were close to a breakthrough, and we knew too much.” Another of those hateful laughs leaves him, and he continues staring out the window as his throat bobs in a swallow. “Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”
“I already have,” Nyx whispers, and Xeni’s eye squeezes closed for a moment as he hurriedly swipes a rough hand across his cheek. “When will you forgive yourself?”
“Never.” Xeni laughs, but it’s halfway to a sob. “Fuck, you can’t tell anyone you made me cry. I have a reputation to uphold.”
“You’d rather be seen as an uncaring dick than someone with valid feelings?” I ask, and Xeni immediately nods.
“Yes. The first one, please.”
“Why?”
He swallows again, seeming to have composed himself. “It’s just easier that way.”
“Easier for who?” I prod, but movement from the forest draws our attention. Ronan walks towards the van, his sword still sheathed at his side. “Well, at least there isn’t any blood,” I say, and Xeni chuckles, even though there’s heaviness behind it.
“He might’ve licked himself clean.”
“Like a cat,” I agree.
Ronan opens the passenger-side door and juts his chin at the ignition. “It’s… safe.”
