Page 124 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
“Is it?” Ellis asked weakly after a beat of silence.
“Yes, it is,” I told her firmly. “Even the small things matter, you guys. You, ” I glanced at Ellis, “you post a video and someone out there feels less alone. They feelseen. The experiences you post may mean nothing to you, but they mean something to someone. Or people wouldn’t follow you.”
Ellis bit her lip.
“You don’t have to run around curing diseases or—” I gestured vaguely “—or, you know, sail into international waters to take aid to countries under genocide. And don’t get me wrong, that shit isamazing. But for every person out there doing big things, the people doing the small stuff help too. Just as much.”
Liv clicked her tongue after another long pause.
“I did run a petition for the school not to cancel prom… after somethingIdid, but it came through. They kept it on, and then Stacey Mathers and Ben Morley kissed in the middle of the dance floor after a year of dancing around each other. And she’s pregnant now. Or was. She was pregnant when I died.”
I latched onto it with a laugh. “See? Small things! Imagine if prom had gotten canceled? Stacey Mathers might never have been kissed by Ben Morley, and they might never have had their baby, who, for all we know, could grow up to cure cancer or… or fight for world peace.Ripples.”
Liv snorted, and Ellis choked on a laugh.
I shook my head and sighed. “Look, Margaret always used to say that life wasn’t meant to be understood. You’d go crazy trying to figure it out. It’s just meant to be lived. Tasted. Sometimes it’s sweet, and sometimes it’s like licking a battery.”
“I would have liked Margaret,” Liv said, laughter in her voice as she rolled onto her stomach in the air and looked down at us. “She seemed cool.”
“She was,” I murmured, a wave of homesickness for her washing over me. “I’ve never met anyone quite like her. She was just this force of nature. Unapologetic. Said whatever she thought and rarely backtracked. And she was pure magic. She wasn’t a fraud… she—she could really do it all.”
“Too bad I couldn’t meet her in limbo here,” Liv murmured. “But she probably had it all sorted out before she died.”
I shrugged and toed some dirt with my foot. “She was sick at the end, so she knew it was coming. I’d say she definitely didn’t die with unfinished business.”
Margaret wouldnever.
“I think maybe it is all the small things that are the point,” Liv murmured softly. “I mean, those are the things I think about most. Miss the most. You know, like camping with Bri and hanging out with my friends. Even the mundane stuff.”
Ellis sighed and rubbed her face. “Sometimes I feel like I wasn’t even made for this place. I just don’t get the point of being here, in the least suicidal-sounding way possible. I just don’t get how to do it. Or maybe I missed the instruction manual on how to behave like an ordinary person.”
I laughed at her and nudged the fire with my stick. “Maybe there are no instructions, and we’re just supposed to stumble our way through it all, collecting moments.”
“Like a thieving raven,” Liv breathed, kicking her legs in the air.
“Exactly,” I snorted, imagining a Liv-sized raven stealing memories. “Collect things. Shiny things. Laughter. Heartaches. First kisses and midnight drives. Sunsets over the ocean, or the crackling of a fire on an impromptu road trip with a stranger and a ghost. Whatever it is that warms the blood in your veins.”
Ellis smiled softly over at me before frowning. “And if we mess it all up? Forget to collect moments? Forget to—forget to live in the moment?”
“Try again tomorrow,” I muttered with a shrug, another one of Margaret’s favorite things to say to me rolling off my tongue. “I don’t think the world asks for perfection. Just presence.”
“Presence is hard when you’re dead,” Liv muttered darkly.
“You’re definitely present,” I told her, glancing up. “You’ve shaken up poor Ellis enough to makeherpresent, that’s for sure.”
Liv grinned, and Ellis crinkled her nose.
“Presence is hard when… when you’re scared,” she murmured, not looking at either of us.
I pressed into the back of my chair. “Well, maybe that’s another reason. Another point of it all. Show up when you’re scared. Show up when you’re hurt.Especiallywhen it hurts.”
“So pain is the point?” Liv asked with a frown.
“No,” I said quickly. “Feeling. Feeling has to be the point. It’s the only thing that ever lets you know you’re still alive. And when you don’t want to feel anymore? When you can’t feel anymore? That’s existing, and it’s different. Living is choosing to be in it all. Among the chaos and the beautiful moments. Even when it’s terrifying.”
Ellis ran a hand through her hair. “I guess I spent so long being afraid, you know? Afraid of dying, and then afraid of living. Afraid of disappointing people or—or letting people love me when they could lose me. I just kind of stopped.”
“Yet here you are,” Liv said, her voice surprisingly soft. “I mean, sure, at the beginning I forced you, but you’re having fun, right? Don’t tell me you haven’t started enjoying yourself, because I know that’s a lie.”
