Page 129 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
Because this was a date.
Dates carried unspoken expectations, breaths between moments of awkwardness as people searched for things to say to make themselves seem cooler or more interesting than they actually were. Dates were like auditions for relationships. They carried weights that weren’t visible, but you could certainly feel them—
“Breathe,” Dove murmured, her hand connecting with my leg across the console. The noise in my mind seemed to dim almost instantly as I turned to look at her, trying to ignore the thrill that raced through me from the contact.
“Sorry,” I murmured, my cheeks feeling hot.
I was conscious of Liv in the back seat, mindful of her watchful eye over every interaction, every judgment she might be having. Every judgment she had likely had over the past year of being stuck to me.
“Don’t be,” Dove said softly, a smile on her face as she kept her gaze on the road—one hand on the wheel, the other still on my leg. “We don’t have to call it a date. We can just get dinner at the top. The views will be amazing, and you could make some cool videos.”
“It’s totally a date, though,” Liv muttered quietly from the back seat, a snigger on her breath.
I swallowed as I tried to find some more of that courage and excitement I’d been feeling moments before. Tried to hold onto that sense of possibility and plans. To allow myself to want a date. To allow myself to take Dove and keep her for myself.
As we drove deeper into New Mexico, the desert blurred into orange. Dove’s hand remained on my leg, that cool, patient smile still dancing softly on her lips. And despite the rush of feeling in my chest and the fight-or-flight that rose within me, I opened my mouth—against all better judgment—breathing in selfishness.
“It’s a date.”
The trail was quiet.
There were hardly any people as we walked along the dirt path, our feet crunching over gravel and the sound of something far off, whistle-like, crying into the sky. The boulders that rose up around us stood like proud ancient sentinels, their volcanic skin scorched black by time and sun.
It was humbling to see the secrets of the past etched into these stones—symbols of spirals, snakes, hands, and stars, all clustered together as if trying to tell some story.
Or maybe not telling a story at all.
However, the farther we walked, the more it felt like I was stepping into someone else’s.
Albuquerque had seemed bigger when we arrived, bigger than any of the previous stops we’d taken on the road. The city sign had flashed past the window in a blur of sun-bleached green and white.
The air flowing through the half-down windows was dry, tugging at the loose strands of Dove’s hair as she drove, singing along to a song with Liv. We still had an hour before check-in, so we’d decided to head straight to the petroglyphs, see those, grab lunch, and then head to the motel.
I’d booked our tramway tickets for this evening and reserved a table at the restaurant at the top. All the comments on TikTok said to get to the tramway at least thirty minutes before departure to get a spot with a good view.
Already I was mentally timing and planning everything, with that familiar, nagging reminder in the back of my mind. I could plan as much as I wanted, but with Liv around, there was no point.
I was looking forward to motel check-in, desperate for a real shower. I felt uncomfortable, not clean enough, and I wanted to wash my hair. Any bathroom at the motel would be a vast improvement over the one at the campground this morning.
Plus, hiking under the sun hadn’t helped much. I could feel sweateverywhere.
I glanced at Dove walking ahead of me, the sun lighting her chocolate-brown hair and making it look molten. Her space buns were nearly falling out now. Every now and then, she glanced back at me, caught my eye, and there was a softness in hers that had my breath catching in my throat.
The way her lips curled into that gentle smile transported me back to the tent. To how they had felt on mine.
That kiss echoed through every inch of my body, but as the sunlight of today shone over the secret of last night, doubt began to creep in.
And it was loud.
I hadn’t been with anyone since Alexis, and we’d still been in school then.
Sure, we had fooled around—we’d made outa lot—but we had never done anything below the waist. I mean, it had felt like we were getting to that point, and then my heart happened… and once I let Alexis go, I hadn’t bothered to pick things up with anyone else. Hadn’t allowed myself to be so selfish.
I hadn’t thought I’d even be here to ponder over this stuff.
Toworryabout sex.
Because there had never been a time when it felt like I would have that.
