Page 131 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
Dove looked at me, and a flicker of concern passed between us. When I turned back to Liv, I licked my dry lips and gave in to the tugging in my chest, that warm ache that followed me like a raincloud whenever I looked at her.
“Liv,” Dove said, her voice firm. “How did you die?”
My heart jolted as Dove finally asked the question we had been thinking, but had been too unsure to ask.
Liv looked at us, eyes glassy but with no tears falling.
“I don’t remember how I died.”
The words hit me like a punch in the face.
Dove was still beside me. She blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t remember how I died,” Liv repeated, a near-maniacal smile spreading across her face as she looked around in bewilderment. “I’ve been so relieved you guys never askedme, but don’t you think it’s weird? That I don’t remember what happened?”
Dove blinked rapidly. “We didn’t know if it was rude or not… to ask. Wait—so what do you remember?”
“Everything,” Liv said quickly. “I remember getting ready to go out with Bri. We had some friends picking us up, and we were going to this club. I had a huge fight with my mom because she had a bad feeling about me going out, and I went anyway. Then… I was with Ellis.”
Her voice didn’t shake as she spoke, and that somehow made it worse, that the manic expression on her face didn’t reach the tenor of her voice.
“I’ve been trying so hard to piece it together this whole time, and I get nothing,” she went on, turning her eyes back to the carvings. “It’s just blacked out. Gone.”
“Maybe it’s just waiting for the right time,” I murmured, my voice weak and unsure, glancing at Dove.
Wasn’t this her area?
“Maybe I’m just broken,” Liv muttered. “Like, I can’t even die right. Where are all the other ghosts? Nowhere. How am I still here, hanging around? What if we go to my mother and I still can’t pass over—or whatever the hell it is I’m meant to do? I was a failure in life, and now I’m a failure in death as well. So it tracks.”
“Hey,” Dove murmured, reaching out and resting her hand fully on Liv’s shoulder. I wondered if she felt anything beneath her palm. “If we get to your mom and still nothing happens, we’ll deal with it then, okay? But you had the urge to see her. You pushed for this.”
“She was the first thought I had when I found myself beside Ellis,” Liv admitted, shaking her head. “Something in me says that’s where I need to be. I’m just scared. I’m scared I’ll be stuck like this forever. Like, I know I give you shit, Ellis, but I don’twant to haunt you forever. I’m not that invested in your dull-ass life.”
“Thanks,” I muttered dryly.
Dove pressed her lips together to keep from smiling.
“Do you know how hard this is?” Liv asked, turning back to us. “To be stuck on the outside of your own life? Existing but not living? That’s how this feels. I’m here, but I’m not here.”
A rush of emotion overwhelmed me, and I found myself gripping her hand, feeling nothing and everything all at once as I connected with her. She looked at me with widening eyes, her gaze flicking down to our clasped hands in shock.
“I do,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “I know exactly what that’s like. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that even in death you don’t have peace. I’m sorry you’ve had to watch me shit all over your gift. I’m sorry you’ve had to watch me have the choice to live while you haven’t.”
Liv’s heavily lined eyes searched mine, a million emotions flickering across them as she tightened her grip on my hand. I couldn’t feel her palm exactly, but there was a pressure—a pins-and-needles kind of sensation—as we stood there.
Here we were, in a graveyard of history, in the middle of other people’s memories and stories, trying to make sense of our own lives, our own purposes.
The stones didn’t answer any of our questions. If anything, they made it clearer that no one really knew anything then or now. And maybe accepting that would end the constant search for meaning and instead point us toward the plain and simple truth of just living.
Liv and I released each other at the same moment. Dove glanced between us as the silence of the valley filled the space around us. A small smile spread across Liv’s face, the manic look dissipating as she sniffed, even though no tears came. She gave me a sharp nod.
“You’re gonna be okay, Ellis,” she said firmly. “I know it.”
“Well,” I murmured, my throat still thick, “so will you. We’ll make sure of it.”
“Okay,” she said simply.
And with that, she turned on her heel and continued walking the trail, leaving Dove and me standing there, likely wearing the same look of shock and confusion as we watched her go.
