Page 179 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
“It wasn’t because I didn’t love you,” he said, his voice unsteady. “Because I did. Ido. More than you’ll ever know, Lis. But… living in that constant state of fear was exhausting. I felt like I was holding my breath for years. I’d lie in bed some nights and think, maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Then I’d wake up and get ready for school, and you’d still be there, fighting. Part of me would be relieved, but another part of me felt angry, because I knew I’d have to go through it all again. Another day filled withdread. I was just a kid. I didn’t know how to carry any of that. Then I would think of you, carrying that same feeling.”
His words struck me hard, the raw honesty in them, and I couldn’t look away, too afraid that if I did, the spell would be broken and he would stop being so open with me.
“Mom and Dad were falling apart, and I was watching it happen. Mom’s whole world was wrapped up in you, and Dad was trying to keep things normal, but he wasn’t really there either. And I just felt like an extra. For a while, I prided myself on being the healthy one—the one they didn’t have to worry about. I felt so powerless in my own life that the only control I had was not being a worry for them. I had to be okay for them.”
He let out a breath, his voice cracking.
“Inside I was just a boy waiting for the worst moment of his life.”
Tears blurred my vision, and I reached across the table, gripping his wrist, desperate for him to feel that I was here, that I had heard him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice breaking.
“Don’t apologize, Ellis,” Thomas said, shaking his head, his hand coming to cover mine. “You didn’t choose to be sick. You didn’t choose any of it. When I finally enlisted, part of it was duty, sure, but the other part? It was escape. Because it was so unbearable to keep watching you almost die, I couldn’t take it anymore. I left.”
A tear slipped from my eye, and I brushed it away, sniffing. “I thought you hated me.”
“I never hated you, Lis,” he said, his eyes softening, filled with unshed tears. “I hated the disease. I hated what it did to all of us. But you? No. You were the reason I even learned what it meant to fight for something and never give up.”
My chest ached with the weight of his words, and I pressed a hand to my mouth, as if I were afraid a sob might escape.
“You survived, Ellis,” Thomas said, reaching across the table to take that hand, holding it tightly in his. “Against all odds, multiple times. And you need to stop apologizing for doing that. Stop carrying guilt that isn’t yours to carry. Because you’re here, and for the first time in my life, I’m not waiting for you to die. Mom isn’t secretly planning funerals, and Dad isn’t working fifty jobs to keep us afloat. I just get to be your brother, and you get to be my sister. We can all breathe again. We got theafter.”
A few more hot tears spilled at his words, and behind me, I swore I heard Liv mutter a soft “shit” under her breath.
As I met my brother’s eyes across the table, I felt the invisible string of guilt—an endless noose I’d always carried—loosen. The guilt I had always associated with him finally unraveled. For the first time, I allowed myself to breathe. A small smile crept across my face, and he mirrored it with one of his own, squeezing my hand one last time before leaning back in his seat.
“So get prepared, Ellis,” he said with a casual air, shaking off the emotion. “Because I want to hear all about this Dove chick, and then I’m going to give yousooomuch shit about it.”
I rolled my eyes and wiped them with the back of my hand just as the waitress set down our food and left wordlessly. I grabbed a fry and threw it at him.
“You suck. I won’t tell you anything if you’re going to give me shit.”
“Okay, I promise. I’ll be good.”
“Okay, well—”
“You’re blushing already,loser,” he snorted, picking up his burger—earning another French fry to the forehead.
“Are you serious?” I groaned at him, but deep down, I was buzzing with happiness. Because this was normal. A healthy brother–sister interaction—something we hadn’t had in a long time, if ever. So I pretended to be offended by his jabs, and heonly made more of them. Suddenly Liv appeared in the booth beside him, smiling at me with a twinkle in her eye.
That final link in the chain of guilt I had carried for Thomas disappeared entirely.
My heart leapt at the feeling.
The bellover the laundromat jingled weakly as I pushed open the door. That familiar scent of detergent filled the warm air, hitting me all at once, and the steady rattling of machines echoed around the room. Dove looked up from a folding table near the back, a neat stack of clothes beside her, and her whole face changed when she saw me, brightening with a soft smile. The answering bloom in my chest felt more and more familiar each time I felt it.
It was as if my body had started to recognize her as a safe place.
“How’d it go?” she asked as I approached, sliding a perfectly folded tee onto her growing pile.
“Amazing,” I said, and meant it. “It was just so honest. We talked a lot out, and I…” I blew out a heavy breath. “I understand him a lot more now than I thought I did.”
Dove’s mouth tipped into a relieved smile, and she held out her arms. I went into them immediately. She wrapped me up tight, her usual musky scent now softened by vanilla detergent. My cheek pressed into her shoulder as her hand skimmed up and down my back, smoothing me out like one last crease, and I smiled with contentment.
“I’m really happy for you,” she murmured into my hair. “You look a lot lighter.”
“I feel lighter,” I admitted as I gently pulled back. “I don’t even know how to explain the feeling, really.”
