Page 85 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
She rubbed her hands over her face before finally lifting her head. Her cheeks were red and blotchy, her eyes almost bloodshot... and yet, fuck, she was still one of the most attractive people I’d ever seen.
God damn it.
I deflected.
“You might’ve terrified every bird in Missouri,” I said with a gentle smirk.
I was rewarded with the tiniest tug of her lips. She glanced around, as if suddenly unsure of how she’d ended up here, and honestly,same.
“She drives me nuts,” Ellis said eventually. “She just pokes and pokes and pokes. She doesn’t stick to the plan—most of which is her plan, by the way! She just throws things in there and then attacks me when I don’t do what she wants!”
“I know she can be...challenging,” I said tentatively. “But... Ellis, I mean, she’s dead. This really is her last hurrah. Once she gets home and deals with her mom... that’s it. I know you needcontrol. Clearly, it’s what helps you tick. But you’re going to have to loosen the reins. Sometimes things just don’t go according to plan, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“I need plans,” Ellis groaned, pained. “I need structure. I can’t just do things on whims.”
“Then we need a compromise,” I said quickly. “Because plans aren’t going to work when Liv’s involved, and a compromise might save you from about fifty more meltdowns before we get to Santa Monica.”
Ellis swallowed and rubbed her face.
“Come on,” I said, nudging her shoulder with my own. “What are the things that are in your control? Breakfast, for example. Wake-up times are easily managed—along with meals, which includes your set medication schedule. That’s a start.”
Ellis let out a shaky breath and rested her arms on her knees before laying her head on them. “I guess... lunchtime. And dinner.”
“Okay, good,” I said, trying not to crumble under the vulnerability on her face. “That’s three points of the day you fully control, and they’re nonnegotiable, okay? If Liv tries to mess with them, I’ll back you up. The rest of it... we keep open. Stop assigning days to different states. Actually take the time to see the sights. Experience them, Ellis, not just snap a photo and run off to the next one.”
An expression crossed Ellis’s face, and she frowned slightly. “I just haven’t... I haven’t done much...” She looked like she was searching for the words and finally sighed. “I always feel like I’m working against a clock.”
“Whose clock?” I asked, placing a tentative hand on her back.
She shrugged and closed her eyes for a moment. “Dunno.”
She knew, I thought. She just didn’t want to admit it—whether to me or to herself.
“I just... I don’t know how to do this,” she said so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.
“Do what?” I asked, frowning.
She swallowed, and her brilliant green eyes seemed to burn into my soul. “Live. Be fun. Be in the moment and enjoy it. I’m not a remarkable person, Dove. I’m not colorful. I live life in black and white, and I just make it through each day.”
I couldn’t speak right away. Her words were too raw, too deep and honest. They nearly knocked the air out of me.
“You know,” I said finally, letting my hand settle gently on her back, “life isn’t linear, Ellis. You can’t tick things off like it’s some laminated checklist. It’s messy and unorganized, and there’s only so much of it you can control. The rest... you just have to live with.”
Silence followed. Ellis’s eyes searched mine, and I felt a warmth bloom low in my stomach. Up close, I noticed the fine freckles scattered across her skin, the flecks of brown in her eyes.
“I don’t think I’m too good for people, you know,” she said suddenly, blinking. “I just... I hurt people when I let them in. I ruin them. So I just... don’t.”
I bit my lip at her words.
She wasn’t pretending to be fine anymore. She was somewhere in the middle—somewhere raw and honest—and I honestly preferred that version of her.
“We all hurt the people we love, Ellis,” I said with a shrug. “That’s just life.”
She didn’t respond.
“For the record,” I added, “you’re not unremarkable, Ellis. You’re here. You’re trying. And that’s a hell of a lot more than some people.”
She didn’t say anything, but she swallowed and leaned her shoulder against mine so subtly I almost missed it.
