Page 59 of A Touch of Frost
“Come on, Paul.” I frowned. “We both know your head would have exploded. You’re my big brother and our parents made my life hell and you just said—oh, well, maybe you shouldn’t be a dick.”
“Jes.”
I shook my head. “They beat it into my head that I wasn’t amounting to anything. They broke me and I needed you—listen, that’s not why I came here. I came here to make sure you get home safely.”
“Then what?” Paul shifted on the bed as he leaned over to set the empty bottle on the beside table.
“Then you go back to your life.” I replied simply. “Then you go back to pretending I don’t exist.”
“Are you angry that our parents left it all to me?” Paul wanted to know.
I scoffed. “I could care less what they did with their money. Financially, I have everything—I can walk into a store and buy anything I want without checking the price-tag. The truth is the day I walked out, I knew I was out of the will—so to speak. And the day I made my first check, I knew I wanted nothing from them.”
“Then why is it you’re not willing to build again?”
“Because you were my big brother!” I snapped. Realizing I’d raised my voice, I paused, exhaled and met his gaze again. “I needed you. On the days when our mother looks at me, showing precisely just how much she disliked me—every time she broke my soul, every time our father saidwhy can’t you be more like your brother.I needed you.”
“Mom didn’t hate you.”
“No.” I rose and walked off to the window again. There was still nothing to see out there. “After you, she was supposed to go back to work. Her body had bounced back. Then I happened. I wasn’t planned and not a day went by that she didn’t remind me. After I turned fifteen, that stopped, but it didn’t get any better with dad. All I’m saying is, you let them do that to me and I don’t know if I can…”
“If you want to.”
I swung around to glare eat him.
“I didn’t know how bad things were.” Paul continued. “You never told me.”
“Now, it’s my fault?”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” Paul sighed.
“You should rest.” I headed for the door.
“Jesse, don’t leave.” He called. I walked back to sit in the chair by the side of his bed.
“The truth is,” I said, softly. “I don’t know if you want to know. Of if you knew but didn’t care.”
“Don’t say that.”
“You did see I wasn’t happy right?” I waited but he said nothing. “I told you someone was hurting me. I told you someone was breaking my heart, and you just let them keep right on doing it. Acting out was all I had, the only way I could have protected myself and if I’d stayed, I would have either gone crazy or burn that bitch to the ground. Do you get it?”
“I’m sorry, Jesse.”
“I’m not ready.” I shook my head and stood. “Get some rest.”
I did leave him.
In that room, it was getting harder and harder to breathe.
To make matters worse, I realized in that moment, I had no idea what I really wanted from Paul. Did I want him to apologize?
Did I want him to feel retched for what happened to me?
“You okay?” Lizard asked, entering the home.
“I’m not sure.” I replied. “Do we have any alcohol?”
“Brother, it’s too early for that.”
