Page 47 of Loving Josy
Noah’s eyes search mine. “I wanted to,” he says simply, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And maybe for him, it is. But for me?
I pull the blanket tighter around myself as if it can shield me from the weight of his gaze. “Noah, I…” I trail off, unsure of whatI’m even trying to say. How do I explain that I loved every second of last night, but I’m still not ready to let him all the way in? That despite everything he’s done for me, everything he’s been, there’s something holding me back—something I can’t even put into words?
He waits patiently, his hand resting on the bed between us. He’s not pushing, not demanding anything from me. He never has. Yet, his very presence feels like a challenge—a gentle but insistent nudge to let go of whatever’s keeping me from taking that next step.
“I don’t know what’s stopping me,” I finally admit, my voice barely above a whisper. “You’ve been there for me in ways I never expected, and I…” I pause, swallowing hard. “I want to let you in, Noah. I really do. But something… something keeps holding me back.” Is it the fact that I haven’t told him the whole truth? He doesn’t know that I have spent the better part of my life being in love with him. I know, I am acting very stupid. Why is it that I have the man of my dreams in my bed and I can’t seem to let him in. I must be going fucking crazy. Yup, that’s it. I need to talk to Dr. Bennett. I am way overdue for a therapist visit.
His brows knit together, but he doesn’t look hurt or frustrated. If anything, he looks determined.
“Josy,” he says softly, reaching for my hand. His touch is warm, grounding. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me to. But I will always be here for you and pepper.”
His words tug at something deep inside me, but they don’t erase the uncertainty swirling in my chest. I wish I could pinpoint what’s stopping me. Fear? Doubt? Maybe a little of both. All I know is that I’m not ready, and I hate that I can’t give him the answer he deserves.
“I don’t want you to go,” I say quietly, my fingers curling around his. “But I don’t know how to do this.”
“Then we’ll take it one step at a time.” His voice steady and sure. “No pressure, no rush. Just us.”
For a moment, I let myself believe it could be that simple. Just us. No expectations, no fears, no past wounds holding me back. But deep down, I know it’s not that easy. There’s still a wall I haven’t figured out how to tear down, a part of me that’s afraid to let him all the way in.
“Okay,” I whisper, not because I’m convinced, but because Iwantto believe him. I want to believe that we can figure this out together, one step at a time. For now, that has to be enough. I can’t keep doing this to myself—going back and forth, pushing Noah away when all I really want is to pull him closer. It’s very simple: Noah wants me, and he’s willing to give me time. On the other hand, I want him so badly, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything or anyone more than I want Noah.
So maybe… I stop fighting. Maybe I stop overthinking and just try.
Noah leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, a lingering touch that feels like a promise. I close my eyes for a second, letting it soak in. How does he always do that—make me feel safe and adored with something as simple as a kiss? “Okay. Now let’s get ready and have a great Christmas together,” he says, his voice a low rumble that sends warmth flooding through me.
“Okay,” I reply again, because apparently, that’s the only word I can manage at this point. My brain is a swirling mess of emotions, and I can’t find anything more articulate to say.
When Noah stands, my brain short-circuits completely.
He stretches, hands running through his hair, the muscles of his back flexing and shifting beneath smooth, golden skin. He’s only wearing black boxer briefs, and dearGod, they fit him like a second skin. My eyes areriveted, tracing every line and contour as if I’m seeing him for the first time.
The way the fabric clings to his sculpted ass, the deep grooves of his lower back… it’s criminal. Then he turns slightly, and I nearly choke. His chest—hard planes of muscle, defined abs that look like they were carved by a damn sculptor—are on full display, catching the soft light that filters through the window. There’s a faint trail of hair disappearing beneath the waistband of his briefs, and I have to clamp my lips shut to stop fromwhimpering.
How is this real?How is it possible for one man to look this good, to make me feel so…wreckedjust by existing? I want to touch him. No—scratch that—Ineedto touch him. To run my fingers over each one of those perfect squares on his stomach, to trace the veins that wind down his forearms and dip into the cut of his hips. I can’t believe that I didn’t get to see all of this the one and only time that we have been together. But I realized that it was fast and sweety and I was not thinking. That’s what got us into this mess though.
I swallow hard, heat pooling in my cheeks—and, let’s be honest, lower—because my brain is an absolute traitor. This is not helping my “let’s take things slow” strategy. Not even a little bit.
Noah finally notices my staring, his lips curving into a smirk that sends my pulse racing. “See something you like, sweetheart?”
I snap my gaze up to his face, cheeks blazing. “I wasn’t staring. Besides, you have already said that same line before.”
His grin widens. “You were definitely staring and that’s why I’m saying it again. It never gets old when you look at me like that,” Noah says as he points at my face.
“Was not,” I mumble, refusing to look at him as I fidget with the edge of the blanket.
Noah chuckles, low and knowing. “Mmhmm. Whatever you say.” He disappears into the bathroom, leaving me alone in theroom—and thankGodfor that, because I need a minute. Maybe several.
I fall back against the pillows with a groan, covering my face with my hands. What am I doing? This man is dangerous to my sanity, to my carefully constructed walls. But damnit, he’s also the only thing I’ve wanted in a long, long time.
I peek toward the bathroom door, listening to the sound of water running as he turns on the shower, and I exhale shakily.
Okay, Josy. Pull it together.Today is Christmas. You promised yourself you’d try. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get up, get dressed, and spend the day with Noah. Maybe it’ll be messy, maybe it won’t be perfect, but I’ll take one step forward like he said.
And if I get to enjoy the view of him shirtless for a little while longer… well, that’s just a bonus.
After spending an amazing Christmas and New Year’s with Noah, I feel… lighter. More comfortable. It’s like something shifted between us that night, even if nothing else has happened since then. We’ve been texting, seeing each other often, and somewhere in between the teasing messages and quiet moments, I’ve started to see a new side of him—a side that makes me feel at ease.
Noah isn’t just the persistent, confident man I thought I knew. He’s so muchmore. He’s thoughtful, patient, honest. A dependable, hard-working man who’s there when I need him, whether I ask for it or not. It’s a softer side, one I didn’t realize existed behind his rough exterior. And maybe—maybe—it’s thereason I feel myself falling in love with him a little more each day.
