Page 105 of Commitment Issues
I study him, every inch of his face.
He shakes his head, his eyes never leaving mine.
“No. I was in Oslo and it’s easy enough for me to prove and for you to check. I’ll never set foot inside the apartment again, and I’ll never go back to that city.”
He speaks with such vehemence I jerk back, and he grabs my hands, holding tight as though he thinks I’ll get up and run.
“He’s persuasive isn’t he? You think I don’t know that? I put up with it for years, being persuaded by him, believing every word that slipped off his tongue. He knows how to dig, he knows what to say, he knows what to do, and what buttons to push. He’s easy to believe, especially if you want to. And I wanted to believe him, Freddie, for so long in our relationship, I wanted to believe him until I couldn’t any longer. Do you want to believe him?”
“No—”
“Then don’t. I can prove where I was every second from when I left you to go to Oslo, to when I walked back through the door. I’ll do it, if that’s what it takes for you to believe I wasn’t with him, I’ll do it.”
His eyes are so fierce they burn, and I drop my gaze to our hands. For a tall, broad man, his hands are surprisingly delicate, his fingers long and tapering. I’ve felt what those hands can do, how gentle they are, how soft. They’re the hands of a virtuoso who knows exactly how to play my body and play my heart. I close my eyes and squeeze them tight. Of course he can prove where he’s been. How have I been so stupid as to take what Gavin said on face value? But I know why, deep down I know, because wasn’t I waiting for it to happen, waiting for Elliot to walk away? Wasn’t I waiting for Elliot to pull away from me?
“When you got back, you—you were so distant. It was like you’d retreated from me and I didn’t understand why. So when I saw him, when he said what he did…”
“Oh, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to do that but I had so much on my mind and was mentally battered and bruised. The deal I was finalising, still am finalising, it’s taken months and months of work. It’s been the hardest of my career. I should’ve told you rather than let you think, well, what it was you were thinking. But that wasn’t all.” He drifts his thumbs over the backs of my hands, sending a tiny, nervy ripple up my spine. “I’ve come here to be honest with you, and that’s what I’m going to be. Iwasdistancing myself because I had to. Or that’s how I saw it. And before you ask, no, it’s got nothing to do with Gavin and never had.”
“Why?”
But don’t I already know the answer? Our arrangement, our no strings, friends with benefits, casual relationship that isn’t a relationship. That’s what he wanted, because he wanted to heal and mend after the car crash of Gavin. And now he has. I’m the sticking plaster just like I’ve always known I was. I’m the breathing space. He’s here to let me down gently. He doesn’t want to hurt me but he wants me to know the truth, he doesn’t want to end this thing that we are, in some mess of lies created by Gavin. He wants to end this the same way he started it, everything upfront and clear about what we are to each other and what we’re not.
I can’t stand it.
I go to pull my hands from his, but his hold’s tight and firm and he doesn’t let go.
“I was backing away, I was retreating because it seemed to be the only way out. This arrangement we had, I thought I could do it, Freddie, but I can’t. I wanted more, Iwantmore, but I knew you never did. And now, with the offer of Oslo, your life’s opening up and you’ve got so much ahead of you.”
“So what were you doing? Just backing away to let me know it was over?”
“Yes, because I didn’t know what else to do. When you told me you’d got the place I knew that was it. I was — am — so pleased for you, but it broke my heart, and it’s still breaking. The truth is, Freddie, I love you and I’ll always love you, but I know you’ve got to move on and take up this brilliant opportunity you’ve worked so hard for. I won’t stand in your way, because you have to take these steps and make the life you’ve always dreamed of. But always, always remember, that if you ever need me for anything, I’ll be there for you.”
Love. The word reaches into my soul.
Elliot leans forward, and places his lips on mine. It’s the softest, sweetest kiss I’ve ever been given but it’s also the saddest. His hands slip from mine as he pulls back and stands. He’s pulling away from me, but this time I’m not going to let him.
I scramble up. We’re exactly the same height and I look him square in the eye.
“You love me? You really love me? Then don’t you dare back away from me again. Don’t you dare go.”
“Freddie, I’m doing what’s best for you.”
I step in closer, breathing in deep, saturating my senses with him and I close my eyes, as I’m overwhelmed by the memories that tumble down on me. The light waft of his cologne and the tang of salt, not from the sea but from our spent release as we lay sweaty, and sticky, and breathless in each other’s arms amongst the crumpled sheets of our wrecked bed. Does he really think I’m going to let him walk away?
The words I’m about to say, as I open my eyes, are the surest ones I have, or will ever, say.
“Don’t you ever think you know what’s best for me. I know what’s best. I’ve always known. Here.”
I place my hand on my chest, just briefly, where my heart is, before I move in closer, tilting my head a little one way as he tilts his in the other, both of us ready for what we know is coming.
“I know what’s good for me,” I murmur, my heart thundering, as I crush my lips to his in a never-ending kiss beneath the broad, blue sky as the gulls wheel and scream above us.
