Page 50 of Commitment Issues
“Then take it at your own pace. But remember, I’ve got you.”
Step-by-step I make myself move forward. The sea’s calm and as warm as a bath. Slowly, slowly, slowly I advance, never letting go of Freddie’s hand. Once the water’s at waist level we stop, just as he’s promised.
“Stand here for a moment and feel the water’s silky warmth.” He laughs. “That sounds a bit cheesy doesn’t it? Like a bad line from a book.”
I don’t say anything but I know what he means. The gentle movement of the sea on my already warm skin is the softest of caresses. My heart begins to calm.
“I can’t remember the last time I was in the sea.”
“Then coming in this far’s a triumph in itself, isn’t it? Just lower yourself so that the water comes up to your neck. Nothing’s going to happen to you, other than getting wet. And don’t forget, I’ve totally got you.”
With anybody else I’d tell them to go to hell, in fact I wouldn’t even be in the sea, but there’s something about Freddie’s matter-of-fact, easy manner that steadies me. Scared as I am, I give him all my trust, holding nothing back, knowing he’ll keep his word and not let me down.
I force myself to sink deeper into the water.
“That’s really good. If it feels too much, just stand up, because we’re still only in up to our waists.”
No. I shake my head. I’ve got this far, I’m not backing out now even if I can still hear my seven-year-old self crying on the poolside.
“How do you feel about floating on your back?”
“You want me to take my feet off the ground?”
“Only if you want to. The sea’s so calm it’d be just like lying on a water bed.” He snorts out a laugh, and I chuckle as we catch each other’s eye. “I can support your head, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
Freddie’s so matter-of-fact. He doesn’t make a big deal out of the situation, he makes it sound so easy and straightforward, and more than anything, more than my fear even, I don’t want to let him down. I have to try, I want to try, not just for my sake but for his too. Maybe I can do this, maybe I can get this right if he’s here with me. I swallow and nod my head, little short, sharp movements.
Freddie smiles his encouragement and edges around so that he’s standing behind me. It means him releasing my hands, and for a moment panic surges through me.
“I’m here, and I’ve got you. No need to panic. Just think of it as the first time you had your trainer wheels removed from your bicycle.”
I huff. “Yes, and I went straight into a brick wall, knocking over Shelley Jones in the process, ripping her dress and making her cry.” Behind me, Freddie chuckles, and I shiver as his warm breath drifts across my ear.
“Well, you’re not going to knock anybody down this time. Now just let yourself gently fall back at the same time you lift your feet. And remember, I’m here and ready to catch you.”
I do exactly what he asks me to. I don’t think there’s anybody else in the entire world who, in this moment, I’d trust more. Still, it’s bloody nerve-wracking and, as I bring my feet up, my balance goes. I rock from side to side, my arms flapping hard as panic squeezes at my heart. I’ve taken it too far, too soon, and I’ve been a fool to believe I can do this.
“Everything’s fine.” Freddie’s sure hands and surer voice steady me. “Just breathe, just take long slow breaths. Nothing’s going to happen to you, not whilst I’m here.”
I’m on my back, as helpless as an overturned turtle. I look up into his face, hovering above me. He’s smiling and his golden hair’s wet at the edges and shining like a halo. Just the sight of him, his smile and all his good sense, is enough to quell the ragged beat of my heart.
“I’m going to support your head just so it doesn’t flop back too much, although it doesn’t really need supporting. The sea’s being kind to you, it’s giving you all the support you need. Which might sound like a load of old bollocks, but it’s fact. It’s physics. Is it physics? I think everything’s physics, don’t you reckon? Anyway, it’s the salt water making you buoyant.”
As I float on my back, with the sun beating down, I do my best to settle my breathing into a regular pattern and I’m just beginning to feel the first nibbles of being comfortable when a wave that’s probably no bigger than a ripple surges over my face, filling my mouth and nose. I gasp, and swallow the bitter salt water. Panic grabs me, sending my arms and legs flapping out of control as I gag on the seawater. A quick tug, and I’m upright, back on my feet as Freddie holds my hands to steady me.
“Fucking hell,” I rasp, my breathing coming short and sharp.
“You’re fine, you’re fine. All you did was swallow a bit of seawater.”
“There was a wave, I didn’t think…” I say, my teeth chattering.
Freddie shakes his head, his mouth pressing into a thin line. “No, there wasn’t a wave. Or not a natural one.” He looks over to a group of men just a few yards away in the middle of which is a grinning Gavin. They’re larking about, chasing each other and whipping up the water.
“I think that’s enough for today, but you did brilliantly.”
“If brilliantly means getting into a panic when in only three or so foot of water, then maybe I did.” My words taste sour in my mouth, much like the seawater.
“You went into the sea of your own volition. I think conquering a long-held fear is something you can tick off your To Do list today, don’t you?”
Hand-in-hand we make our way out and back up to our towels spread out by the overhanging rock. I would’ve done exactly as I said I would, I’d have flapped around in a panic, but I know I’ve done a whole lot more. Whatever I’ve achieved in my life, those few minutes in the sea, under Freddie’s gentle guidance, feels like my greatest triumph.
