Page 60 of Commitment Issues
“Please,” he mumbles, thrusting his hands into his pockets, shifting from foot to foot. “When I saw you out there, with—with that thing—”
“The condom, or Gavin?” I say, filling the mugs with boiling water.
“Well, erm, both I guess.”
I pour milk into the drinks and hand one across. His face is bright red, he’s doing everything he can not to meet my eye, and he’s a world away from the wild, unrestrained man he was last night.
We say nothing as we sip our tea, when so much needs to be said.
“Freddie—”
“Elliot—”
We speak at once, both of us falling silent at once, as we stare at each other over our mugs of tea that we hold up like shields.
This is ridiculous, we’re both grown men, consenting adults… Then why do I feel like a gangly, awkward teenager?
I put my tea down.
“What happened last night, it…”Was everything, more than everything…
But I can’t say the words, because as he gazes at me, his golden hair curling up at the ends where it’s drying, he looks so damn young, barely more than a teenager. And maybe I should be rejoicing in that, smug that I fucked my brains out with a man who’s half my age. But I don’t, because no matter how bright and sharp he is, no matter how the years between us melt away when we talk, and how they melted away last night, he’s young enough to be my son.
“It shouldn’t have happened, because it wasn’t what you were paid for.”
“What?” Freddie’s face drains of colour.
Oh Christ, does he think I’m accusing him of…?
“What I’ve been paid for? You think I had sex with you because I felt obliged? Because it was part of the pre-paid package?”
“Freddie, no. I don’t mean that. I’m sorry. All I meant, before I waded in with my size tens, was that events overtook us. We’d agreed to not get involved.”
“We’re not involved,” he murmurs, his words hitting me hard in the chest. “I’m not used to champagne, so it’s an age-old story, I suppose. Too much drink leading to, well, things they shouldn’t have led to. Put it down to the occasion, because that’s what I’m doing. It was only sex, just a bit of mindless fun, and no big deal. You’ve no need to feel guilty, Elliot.”
Just a bit of mindless fun. Only sex. No big deal. No need for guilt. The tea gurgles in my stomach, acidic and bitter.
I smile so hard, I fear my face will crack and break.
“Good. I’m glad we’ve sorted it out. We’re adults, and like you say, no big deal. I’m going to head up to the villa and then I’ve got some work to do, something that can’t wait. But we’ve got a few hours before we set off for the airport. You could go down to the beach, or use the pool — without me splashing around in a panic.” I hope he says something, anything, about our time in the warm sea, when we placed all our trust in one another. But he doesn’t, he just shakes his head, his face serious and unreadable.
“I’ll probably find a shady spot and read. I’m going to skip breakfast, if you don’t mind, as I want to get packed and sorted out before I head off. I’ll see you later.”
“Sure, whatever you want. Fine.”
Fine? Nothing’s fine, as he disappears into the bedroom and closes the door, leaving me staring after him, stranded, unable to move, too cowardly to go after him.
