Page 76 of Commitment Issues
“I have to go,” he says again, but he doesn’t step back.
“Freddie?” I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to say, but something needs to be said.
“Yes?”
“I don’t want there to be any awkwardness between us.”
He smiles, but some of his brightness has left him. “Neither do I and there’s no reason for there to be.”
He steps back, and my hand falls away. “I really do have to go. Bye bye, boy,” Freddie swoops down, making a fuss of Jasper, but it’s to hide his flushed face. My dog’s whining and whimpering as though he knows Freddie’s leaving. Jasper doesn’t want him to go, and neither do I.
A couple of minutes later, and he’s gone, leaving me to my empty house and my jumbled thoughts.
Involvement, commitment. I had those with Gavin, or thought I had, and even though he now represents nothing in my life, the pain of having my heart ripped out still burns.
Involvement, commitment. If I let that happen between me and Freddie, my heart will be torn from me again. Because he’s going away, he’ll be leaving, of that I have no doubt.
Oslo, it’s not far. I go there all the time, but it’s not about the distance in miles. It’s about another kind of distance.
It’ll be the next big phase of Freddie’s life. New opportunities, new challenges, new people. A new man, probably. His life will be exciting and full, and I want that for him, because he’s young and these things should be his for the taking. They’re all the things that’ll pull him away from me.
What we’ve agreed to, it’s best for both of us. Enjoy each other, for now. No commitment, no strings, just friends with some extras thrown in. Itisbest, for both of us.
I shiver and look up. The sun’s gone in, blue sky replaced by deepening grey, as the first drops of rain begin to fall.
