Page 85 of Commitment Issues
“Casual? This, from you, who doesn’t do casual?”
Cosmo sits up ramrod straight, his eyes so wide they look like they’re in danger of popping out of their sockets. He’s almost screamed the words out, and a few heads turn our way.
“Keep your voice down,” I hiss.
“Not involved?” he says, mercifully quieter this time. “You could have fooled me. You’re spending more and more time with him — you’re even sorting out his food shop and taking his dog for walks.”
I groan, and wish I hadn’t told him that.
“It’s not—”
“It’s not what? I know I’ve not been around all that much in recent weeks, but even when I have, youhaven’t,because you’re with Elliot. And his dog. Playing happy families. You spend more time with him than you ever did with Paul, and hewassupposed to have been your boyfriend. If it looks like a boyfriend, sounds like a boyfriend, tastes like a boyfriend then guess what? It’s a boyfriend.”
“That’s not what we agreed…”
“What you agreed in theory and what’s happening in practice look like two different things. So, what’s going on here, Freddie? What’s really happening?” Cosmo puts his beer down on the table and leans in towards me. “Tell me.”
His voice is coaxing and gentle. But tell him? I don’t even know what to tell myself anymore.
“Nothing’s happening.” It isn’t, because I can’t let anything happen beyond what we have. My hand finds the back of my neck, squeezing and rubbing. “When we agreed… Well, he was clear about the boundaries. He told me he’s not ready for more than… a sexual relationship. And I get that.”
“Can I refer you to Exhibit A? Sorting out his shopping, and dog walking? Where do they fit in with a sex-only relationship? Unless you’re using Tesco’s Finest range in all kinds of interesting ways, and as for the dog getting involved—”
“You’re seriously perverted.”
“That’s the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
Cosmo winks at me and I can’t help laughing, as I shake my head.
“Yes, there’s more to it than sex. We like each other’s company. I—I feel at home with him.” And I do. Being in his house, playing with Jasper, talking as we eat a meal I’ve cooked for the two of us. And the sex? Yeah, it’s as loud as Cosmo says it is, but it’s only one part of the wider picture.
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“What do you mean? There’s nothing I can do. The arrangement is what it is. And it suits us both. Oh, stop rolling your eyes at me,” I snap. He doesn’t believe me, but I’m not ready to admit that I don’t believe me, either. “What’s happening, it’s time-limited. The odds are high that I’ll be going to Oslo. And besides, he’s not that long out of his relationship with Gavin. We’re kind of both in some sort of transition stage. He’s working one man out of his system before he moves forward, and I’m getting ready to leave.”
“So you’re some sort of fill in? Is that how you see yourself, as somebody to use to fuck Gavin out of his system?” He glares at me, and I see something in his eyes I’ve only rarely seen before. Anger.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. He’s not like that—”
“No, he isn’t. He’s a decent guy, I told you that at the start. He wouldn’t use you like that.”
“But aren’t we using each other?” I ask, my voice low and quiet. “Cos, please. Don’t read too much into what’s happening, because I’m not. For now, this suits us both. I went into this with my eyes open. I know what I’m doing.”
“Do you?”
I don’t answer, because I have no idea what to say.
