Page 90 of Commitment Issues
Freddie shifts in his seat and crosses his arms in front of him over the table. “My Prof. rang me up today. She had news for me.”
My stomach clenches. News.
“It’s not been made official yet, because I’m going to have to wait for the letter to come through with the offer, but I’ve been accepted. I got a place at the Institute, in Oslo.”
“You have? That’s…”
A nightmare, a tragedy, the worst fucking thing ever. He’s got everything he wants and has worked so hard for, and I should be happy for him when instead all I want to do is weep. But that’s my problem, not his, because I always knew this day would come but it’s hit me with a heavier punch than I ever imagined it would. I force myself to smile when I want to drop my head into my hands.
“That’s fantastic news. It’s everything you want, isn’t it?” The question hangs like an axe waiting to fall. The air around us feels loaded and charged with dangerous electricity. He hesitates before answering, and I tell myself he’s going to say no, it’s not everything he wants because there’s something he wants more.
“Yes, yes it is. I’ve worked so hard for it. It’s rare for them to take anybody without a PhD, and I’ve still got a long way to go with mine.” Colour flushes his cheeks. “But according to my Prof., they’re very impressed by the papers I’ve published so far. Innovative, they said.” He shrugs as shyness overcomes him. “But my Prof.’s also a heavyweight in the field, and I’m sure her recommendation carried a lot of sway.”
No, I’m not having him diminish his achievement.
“Anything she could have said would have been no more than the icing on the cake.You’vedone the work Freddie,you’rethe one who’s got you where you want to be.”
His smile and the deepening pink washing over his face is all I need to know that my words have hit the mark, and I’m glad I can make him feel good when good is the last thing I’m feeling.
“This calls for a celebration.” I beckon for a waiter and order a bottle of champagne to be brought to our table.
Champagne, the drink for celebrations when celebrate is the last thing I want to do. But this is about Freddie, about what he’s achieved, and about what he’s going to go on to achieve. He’s about to take the next step in his life and I should feel privileged that I’m here to share it with him.
I force myself to smile as the cork’s popped and the champagne poured.
“To your future.” We chink glasses, and he mumbles his thanks.
The waiter finally comes to take our orders. I rattle off my random choices not having the faintest idea of what they are. Freddie and I talk of this and that, nothing of any weight, but eventually the conversation comes round again, as it must, to Freddie’s news and what it means for him.
“You told your parents I assume, and Cosmo?” To my surprise he shakes his head.
“No. After she called me, which fortunately was just after I finished my shift, I wanted to kind of assimilate the news. It doesn’t feel real but maybe that’s just because I haven’t got the letter yet, but I should get that at some point next week. I — I wanted to tell you first.”
He’s looking at me with the same smile I always associate with him, the smile that’s both brash and shy and my heart skips a beat
“Me? You wanted me to be the first to know?” His words move me, and I have no idea what to say, and I say nothing.
“Yeah.” He shrugs and looks down. “I’ll tell everybody else tomorrow, and then I suppose I’m going have to get thinking about arrangements. God, there’s going to be so much to do. Sorting out the finances, my accommodation and stuff I don’t even know about yet.”
“I know Oslo well, I could…”Be there with you, be your guide in your first few days or weeks, help you get settled in…“Give you some tips.”
He smiles but there’s something strained and breakable about it. It’s not the smile I’ve come to know so well. There’s something unreadable in the curve of his lips and in the depths of his eyes, and it’s as though I’m looking at a stranger.
“Thanks, that’ll be useful, but, erm, I know they’ve got a really good orientation programme.”
“Yes, yes, of course. I’m sure they have.”
Our orders arrive and I recognise what’s on my plate, but as I fork it up, it’s like eating cardboard.
We talk about everything except the subject that really needs to be talked about. He’s going, just as I always knew he would, but it feels like my heart’s been dug out of my chest with an old and rusty shovel.
Our being together has always been a casual arrangement, nothing heavy, nothing serious. No strings. Friends with benefits. And we’ve been friends, good friends and, in my heart, so much more than friends. He’s stepping into his new life while I feel like I’m wading through my old one. I’ve held back from asking for more from him. It wouldn’t be right to, is what I’ve been telling myself, because he has so much waiting for him, so much to achieve. Yet there’s another reason why I’ve said nothing, why I’ve never taken that first step that would fully open myself up to him.
Fear.
I’ve had my heart broken before. Gavin, for all that he’s nothing more than a fading stain, tore me apart, and I believed I’d never mend. Until Freddie. With his gentle smile, his bright intelligence, and endearing mix of brash and awkward shyness, he’s put the pieces of my heart back together again. Yet, now he’s going, and my fear is that my heart will shatter once more.
