Page 102 of Take My Breath Away
More silence, more long seconds.
“Admit what Elliot? What should I admit?”
“That you love him.”
And I do. God knows it, but I do. Elliot knows too, because he knows me. But there’s something he doesn’t know, because I was too ashamed to tell him.
“I do love him. You’re right. And I’ll never stop loving him, but it’s not enough.”
“What do you mean?”
I close my eyes for a second, summoning up my nerve, before opening them.
“I thought I could do it. Being settled with someone — with Perry. I really thought I could. But I fell at the first hurdle. Christ, if I were a horse I’d be shot.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Don’t you? You know what I’m like, Elliot. Can’t you guess? An opportunity came my way, and I was tempted. I was a beat away from—” I stumble to a stop, unable to drag the dirty confession into the light.
Aiden’s face rears up in my mind. His smile, the press of his body hard against mine. My hand cupping the back of his neck… And the whispered words that chilled me to the bone.
“Tempted? Is that what you’re saying? What matters is whether you resisted. Did you?”
“Yes,” I rasp. “I did, but who’s to say next time I’ll do the same thing? Or the time after that?”
“For the love of God, James, you’re to say.You. If you truly love him you’ll turn your back on every scrap that’s thrown in your path. Please, don’t let your fear stand in the way of you finding real happiness.”
I jolt. “Fear? What are you talking about?” I press the phone harder against my ear, as though to get closer to James’ words.
“Fear of breaking out of the cycle you’ve set for yourself. I don’t know if it is even the right word.” His huff’s loud and impatient. “This isn’t the time or place to examine it, but over the years you seem to have convinced yourself that you’re incapable of love and fidelity or loyalty. But that’s not true. You’re my oldest and closest friend, and I know you as well as I know myself. More so, I sometimes think. You’re telling yourself lies. Maybe it goes back to how it was with Alex, I don’t know. All I know is that you’ve been beating yourself up over what happened for too many years, and you have to stop.
“You’re a good man, under all your don’t give a damn crap. You’re a loyal friend. You stick up for those you love. You fight for them to the death. You did that with me, remember? You made me face what it was I felt about Freddie, when all I wanted to do was push him away because I was scared. The way you’re now scared. Listen to me, and let me be to you the friend you were to me.”
My heart clenches hard as I hear the catch in his voice.
“Face your own fear, James,” he says, his voice barely steadier. “And conquer it. Fight for Perry, fight for yourself and for him. Everything that’s gone before, it’s in the past. You need to think about your future and if you let him walk away I don’t think you’ll have one that’ll be worth having.” He sucks in a deep and shaky breath. “He’s going down to Brighton this afternoon, to meet the estate agent to sign on the dotted line. He’s catching the two-thirty from Victoria. Whatever else you do, don’t let him get on that train.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
JAMES
Friday afternoon, and Victoria station’s heaving. As many people are escaping the capital as pouring into it. The cacophony all around me is deafening: laughter, shouts, gleeful screams, a bunch of angry commuters arguing with a station official, and the bass muffled tones of a tannoy announcement. None of it, though, is as loud as the hard thump of my heart.
I jab speed dial again, just like I’ve been doing since Elliot’s call. Nothing, other than Perry asking me to leave a message. And that’s what I’ve done, over and over.Call me, we have to talk, call me, please call me…Nothing but a piece of useless plastic, I shove it back into my coat pocket.
I’m scouring the departures board, frantically looking for the Brighton train. I can’t see a Brighton-bound train. Why the fuck can’t I see it?
Have I got the right station?
Did Elliot get the time wrong?
Did I mishear?
Panicky sweat drenches my clothes.
I need to calm down, I need to think.
Taking a shuddering deep breath, I look again. And there it is, the two-thirty to Brighton.
