Page 43 of Take My Breath Away
As I watch Perry play with the dog, my mind’s turning over and over. Perry’s desire for his own home and a thriving business are everything to him. I understand, I always have, and admire his quiet determination. But I have desires of my own and they’re getting harder and harder to ignore.
I want him, and that’s bad news for a man like Perry.
It sounds so basic, crude almost. But I do want him, I wantallof him, and if I’m honest with myself I think I always have. I want his smile, his warmth, his goodness, but they’re not all I want.
I could kiss him, and I honestly don’t think he’d resist. I know the way he looks at me. He’s easy to read, an open book in so many ways. And young — the age difference isn’t an issue, but it can’t be ignored. Life’s not always treated him well, but he still retains a kind of innocence. Yet, if he has much to do with me beyond what we have now, all that’ll be chipped away. Piece by piece by piece. Yes, I could kiss him and so much more, until I grow bored and restless, using him the way I’ve used all the men in my life. It’s what I did to Alex, the only other man I’ve cared for, and I couldn’t bear for that to happen to Perry.
That was in a different lifetime… I was younger, always searching for the next thrill… Surely I’ve changed since then? Learned there’s more to life than the next easy lay, the next casual, emotionless fuck, before moving on to the next, and the next…?
But I don’t know, I can’t answer the questions and that shakes me. Yet there’s one thing Idoknow, and that is I won’t run the risk of finding the answers out on Perry, using him like he’s some bloody lab rat to be experimented with.
“James?”
My name on Perry’s lips pulls me back into the present. He’s looking up at me from where he’s still on his knees in the corner, his head tilted, his lips very slightly parted. He’s waiting for the answer to a question I’ve not heard him ask.
“I said, I think we should take Jasper out for some proper exercise.” He pushes himself to standing.
“We?”
“Yes. We could all do with walking off our lunch.”
A walk. It’s a distraction, and I grasp it with both hands, but the clouds are grey and heavy, promising rain at some point.
I shift my attention to Jasper. I’m sure exercise is the last thing he’s thinking about as he wriggles up to sitting. Snorting and grunting, he lifts a back leg and takes great delight in licking his balls. For a dog with two arthritic back legs he’s very agile when it comes to spreading them.
“I’m not at all sure I want to be seen in public with that thing.”
Perry’s face wreaths with smiles, but there’s mischief in his glinting eyes.
“He says the same about you.”
“Oh, he does, does he?” I look back at Jasper, still licking, snorting and grunting. “There are clear rules attached to our public appearance.”
“Rules?” Perry drops down into the chair next to me.
“Yes, and ones you’re going to abide by.” I count them off on my fingers. “You’re going to be responsible for him. You’re the one who’s going to hold on to his lead, and you’re the one who’s going to pick up his poo. There’s no way I’m scooping up dog shit into a carrier bag. And if he gets wet and muddy, you’re the one who’ll be cleaning him off. Understand?” I try my best to glare at Perry, to look hard-faced and serious, but it’s near impossible where he’s concerned.
Perry tilts his chin up, a determined look on his face. “You’re on. We could jump in the car and head up to Hampstead?”
He must see the horror in my face, because he splutters out an explanation.
“Jasper’s familiar with the Heath. It’s only a short drive away. It’ll be wonderful up there, all wild and windy.”
“Wild and windy? That’s very Kate Bush.”
“Who?”
“Never mind.” I groan and shake my head. Another reason for lines not to be crossed, if I need one.
Perry’s looking hopeful and I know this is yet another round I’ve lost, but I’m not giving up without a fight.
“You do realise that having him anywhere near my car means it’ll need fumigating?”
“He’s not that bad.”
A long and rasping fart blasts from the corner of the kitchen.
“You were saying?”
