Page 87 of Take My Breath Away
I’ve been to a million and one places like this and I’ve done it all and taken everything that’s been on offer. It’s exciting, the thrill of what the night might bring, it’s impossible to deny and it’s exciting still, even though I’m going to refuse anybody or anything that puts itself in my way. I haven’t been to a place like this for ages, and I’d be lying if I said I’m immune to the thrill that’s running through the air. The issue is whether or not to give into the thrill, and there’s only one answer to that.
I push my way out, not through the main door, but a smaller one that takes me outside and into a side alley.
The air outside is cold and crisp, and I take a deep breath and lean back against the wall. The alley’s long but narrow, and although Soho’s teeming streets are only footsteps away, the sound of the crowd’s muted.
Plunging my hand into my trouser pocket, I pull out the squashed packet of cigarettes. I rarely smoke anymore, but just sometimes I crave the hit of nicotine. It’s a filthy habit and at odds with keeping fit, but still, here and now it’s what I want. I light up and take a lungful of smoke before letting it go on a long, steady exhale. God, but it tastes good. It’s another thing I haven’t done much of recently.
My phone, which is the whole excuse for me being out here, presses against my chest from my jacket inside pocket. Perhaps I can give Perry a call, just to see how he’s doing… But I decide not to. He’s with his Alfie, who’s now back in London from wherever he’s been shepherding, or reciting poems, or what not. It’s hard to imagine Perry having a friend like that. No, I won’t phone, I won’t disturb him, but just as I decide not to my mobile pings as a text drops in.
Long journey back to Highgate… had a few beers… staying the night….The message ends with a row of kisses and I can’t help but smile. I plug in a quick response telling him I hope he’s having a good time and I’ll see him tomorrow, adding a row of kisses of my own. Putting my mobile away, I take another drag on my cigarette and close my eyes.
I really need to give this up properly, and for good. But not yet.
“Hello stranger.”
My eyes snap open. In front of me just a step away is the last person I expect to see.
Aiden.
He smiles and looks at me through hooded eyes.
Despite the cold, he’s only wearing a T-shirt which hugs itself to his muscled torso. Intricate inked patterns snake their way down both arms. His jeans sit low on his hips revealing a flash of firm abdominal muscles. He looks good, but he’s always looked good. And I smile, returning the one he’s giving me, because I like him. We’ve never been anything to each other beyond filthily glorious sex, but I’ve always liked him.
“You never returned my text messages. I’m hurt James, I thought I meant more to you than that.” He pouts but his eyes glitter in amusement. He’s not hurt, and we both know it, but maybe he’s a little disappointed and it feeds my ego to think that.
“I sent you a text. I told you things have changed.”And then deleted your number…
“Didn’t get it.” He shrugs. “So what’s changed?” His eyes bore into me, as sudden realisation widens them. “Changed.You meanwith that friend of yours, the one who was with you in the café?”
“Maybe.”
I don’t offer any more information and he doesn’t ask. I take another draw on my cigarette and blow the smoke to the side.
“Got a spare?” Aiden asks, and I fish out the packet from my pocket.
He takes the cigarette but before I can offer him the disposable lighter, he plucks mine from my mouth and uses it to light his own. Aiden draws hard to light up, his generous lips tight around the tip. Something tightens deep in my stomach. He keeps my cigarette and gives me back the new one. Raising his eyes to mine, he smiles, as dark and dirty as ever, before he flops against the wall next to me. He’s close although not touching but I can feel his heat and I detect a tang of salt and sweat and cum on him. It’s a heady aroma and almost without realising, I breathe in deep.
“It’s good to see you again, James. Seriously.” There’s a sincerity running through his quietly spoken words, cutting through the heat of his flirting.
“It’s good to see you, too.”
He snorts. “But you’re only saying that because we’ve run into each other by chance.” He stares at me and even under the weak lamplight I see all his cocky artifice stripped away. There’s real hurt this time, in his voice and in his eyes, something I’ve never seen or heard before, and for a moment I have no idea what to say.
“Don’t tell me you’re actually properly with that young guy?” He laughs, and shakes his head. “I thought hell had more chance of freezing over.”
“Like I say, things have changed.” It’s all he needs to know.
“Changed. That word again.” Aiden pushes himself off the wall and steps in front of me. His body brushes mine, enveloping me in the sharp tangy aroma which is now illicit and out of bounds. “Changed? Really?” His lips lift in a lazy smile as he moves in closer.
He’s hard. I clamp my hands to his waist ready to push him off. Through the thin cotton of his T-shirt his skin’s warm and damp, and before I’m even aware of it, I’m breathing him in and digging my fingers into his flesh.
“You’ve not changed, James.” He’s hardly a breath away. His drink and cigarette roughened voice is low and gravelly, and he chuckles as he presses his erection against my hip. Tilting his head back, he moves in to kiss me and I slide my hand around the back of his neck.
“Oh no,” Aiden murmurs, “men like you, men like me, we never change. If you’re telling yourself that, you’re lying to yourself and that sweet thing—”
I whip my hand from him. It’s as if I’ve been burnt, and shove him away with all the force I can muster. He stumbles back, keeping his footing but only just.
“Fuck, no,” I rasp. “I’m sorry Aiden, I shouldn’t…” I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my hands down my face. I feel off centre, disorientated and sick to my stomach.
