Page 102 of Out of the Shadows
COSMO
“Freddie, it’s me. Call me when you get this.” I cut the call. I don’t want to leave a message, I can’t pour out what’s happened in a recording.
My phone pings with a message, and my heart does another lap of the rollercoaster. Not Freddie, but Daniel. Again. I delete it, just like I have all the others.
It’s almost dark, now, as the wintry day turns to night. Daniel’s been ringing and texting since yesterday, after I fled. He’s even hammered on the door, demanding to be let in. He wants to talk, to sort this all out, but there’s nothing to sort out and I cling to that certainty with the desperation of a drowning man. No, I can’t see him or speak to him, not now, not when everything’s so raw, yet I know I have to face him — if nothing else, the man’s my boss and I can’t not go to work. Thank god I’ve got a couple of days off work. It’ll give me time to pull myself together and to think about what I’m going to do. Or that’s what I tell myself.
I almost jump out of my seat when my phone rings in my hand. Not Daniel this time, but Freddie.
“Sorry, missed your call. Obviously. What’s up?”
In the background music’s playing, the classical stuff Elliot likes and which now Freddie does, too, and for a moment I wonder if I’m interrupting a romantic evening for two.
“Sorry, have I caught you and Elliot at a bad time?”
“No, because he’s not here. He’s away for a few days on business. Won’t be back until Thursday. You sound a bit funny. Has something happened?”
My laugh is as sour as vinegar. “You can say that again. Are you free this evening? I don’t want to talk about this on the phone.”
In the background the classical music goes silent. “Yes, of course I am. Get yourself around here. Stay over if you like, there’s only me and Jasper,” he says, referring to his and Elliot’s old mutt of a dog.
“Thanks Freddie.” My voice distorts and my eyes fill with tears. Less than five minutes later, I’m out the house and running for the tube station.
* * *
I’m curled up on Freddie’s sofa. He’s at one end and I’m at the other, both of us with our feet tucked beneath us as we each cradle a big mug of sweet hot chocolate. It’s a stark reminder of how we used to be when he shared my house with me. It reminds me of happy times before life changed and I wish so much I could go back to how everything was before.
“Are you sure you’ve not somehow misread the situation?”
“How can I have misread it? I wasn’t expecting him to pull me into his arms and give me a fat and juicy snog, but I expected something, especially when that old fucker really started laying in.”
“Y-eees.but—”
“What do you mean,but?”
“It’s not an easy thing for him to say, is it, out loud in public, not when he’s spent all his adult life living in one narrow, straight lane. Bad pun. Sorry.”
I’m gawping at Freddie, hardly believing I’m hearing this.
“Are you defending him? How can you defend the indefensible? And wasn’t it you who told me to be careful?”
Freddie, urging me to tread carefully and think about what I was doing. And what did I do? I pushed it all away because I knew best. Because I always think I know best.
“No, I’m not defending him.”
“Then what is it you’re saying?” But I already know.
Freddie sighs. He puts down his drink and looks at me, his hazel eyes steady and serious. I’ve come here to pour my heart out, to be told I’m right, that everything I want — or wanted — from Daniel isn’t only reasonable, it’s just. I want and need the confirmation I hold the moral high ground. He’s not doing that, and tension spasms deep in my stomach. My grip on my mug tightens.
“There was always a danger something like this would happen, sooner or later. It was you, remember, who said Daniel’s lived his life keeping who he really is out of sight, which means you weren’t going in blind. Some older guys come out in a fanfare after years of maybe being married and having families. Elliot’s got a friend who was like that, and he described coming out as being able to breathe at last. But not everybody’s like that. Maybe that includes Daniel. If he’s lived his life one way for so long, when faced with taking that final step he might not be able to do it — or, he might not be willing to.”
“Not willing, or not willing for me? I’m not enough for him to be brave and honest for? Daniel’s weighed me up against what he believes he has to lose… and decided I’m not worth it?”
My hand begins to shake, and hot chocolate threatens to slop over my lap.
Freddie shuffles up to my side, plucks the mug from my grip and puts it aside before he wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. We’ve done this so many times over the years. Sometimes his is a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes it’s been mine.
I hug him hard, wanting the comfort of my friend who no matter what shit rains down will always stick by me just as I’ll always stick by him. I don’t bother trying to stem the tears and the big, gulpy sobs wracking my whole body. I want to rant and rage, I want to spit fire, but I can’t because all I can feel is sadness and loss for the passing of something that made me feel more alive than I ever have before.
