Page 103 of Out of the Shadows
Freddie doesn’t say anything as he strokes my hair and waits for the storm to pass. I pull myself out from his embrace and take the tissue he offers me.
“I’d ask if you feel better for that, but I know what the answer would be.” He gives me a wonky smile. “I don’t think his action — or inaction I suppose — has got very much to do with you, if I’m honest. I think this is all about Daniel and what he’s feeling and trying to work out. If it’s any consolation, although it probably isn’t, it’s clear as day you mean the world to him. He might not have been completely comfortable at the party, except with Perry of course because nobody can be uncomfortable with Perry, but every time he looked at you all the tension and the wariness drained out of his face.
“Mean the world to him? Then he’s got a fucked up way of showing it.”
I rub my palms down my face. I came here wanting to rage, wanting to spew everything out of my system. What I thought would be straightforward is as twisted as an old ball of wool.
“When we were together, it was so good. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. It was like I’d found a missing piece of myself, which is crazy.”
Freddie smiles; his eyes soften. If anybody understands what I’m saying, it’s him.
“We started off so badly. After all, we had a brief but turbulent history. I even considered leaving my job and then I thought stuff it, Daniel Russo isn’t going to drive me out. It wasn’t the only reason, though. Despite everything, there was still something about him that made my heart beat faster.” I look away, as heat creeps over my face. “Sounds stupid, given what’s happened.”
“You do know you’re going to have to face him, don’t you? Even though you want to stomp off in a blaze of drama, you need to sort this for good — one way or the other — otherwise it’ll always be unfinished business. And think about a new job. Don’t stay out of some kind offuck youattitude. If you’re the hotshot you say you are, you’ll get one equally as good, or better.”
Freddie’s hotshot comment provokes a snort of laughter from me, and I’m glad of that, because I’ve had nothing that’s been remotely worth laughing at over the last couple of days.
“Thing was, I was already thinking I’d have to move on because of what was happening between us. I’ve got some leave coming this week, so instead of the Christmas shopping I was going to do I’ll be talking to agencies instead.” Bitterness creeps through my voice, because there’s one less gift I’ll be buying.
“I can speak to Elliot. He’s got contacts coming out of his ears. A job move was always going to be inevitable, whichever way the cookie crumbled with Daniel, or however the saying goes. Talking of which.”
He gets up and disappears from the room. I know what’s coming, and I smile. In times of crisis the biscuits always make an appearance and it’s warming to know that’s not changed.
Freddie returns with an unopened packet of Hobnobs. It’s a sure sign the world order will soon be restored.
“Is there any way back for you?” Freddie asks as he hands over the biscuits.
I take my time pulling one from the packet as I give myself time to think. I stare at the golden, oaty biscuit as if it might give me some kind of divine answer. I shake my head.
“How can there be? He didn’t stand up for me or for himself and as far as I’m concerned it was a betrayal of something deeper and fundamental. It was about him and me, but it was about so much more. I can’t forgive that.” I take a bite of the biscuit, but its normal buttery richness is dried up sawdust on my tongue, and I pass it over to Freddie to finish.
I slump back into the sofa.
“We argued about Christmas arrangements. When he told me he was going to spend it with his family I offered to go with him, but he wouldn’t have it. He didn’t want to spring me on them, all a part of him taking things at his own pace, and I let him talk me around.”
“I can understand that, despite what’s happened, although I suppose it could also be seen as a warning sign.”
“I did have an alarm go off, I just chose to ignore it. Where have you heard that before?”
“That was different. Leon was a nasty piece of work who was out for some edgy, illicit fun, and screw the consequences. I can’t believe Daniel would be so callous.”
I look down at my hands, bunched up together on my lap. I have no idea what to think, not anymore.
“He thought I was pushing him. It was the one discordant note. He told me he wasn’t ready to wave the rainbow flag.”
“And were you pushing him?”
Freddie’s question makes me look up at him. His gaze is clear and level. He already knows the answer, so there’s no point trying to bullshit this man because he’ll see through me the way he always does.
I nod. “Just a little. I suppose. Maybe I should have been more tactful, maybe I should have held back some more, but he’d come out to Geraldine, his former fiancée, so I didn’t see what was such a big deal with taking the next step. I needed to push him, Freddie, I needed him to make a statement to the world. I needed to push him to be more open because I was falling in—”
I stop myself saying the word I can never take back.
“You want to finish that sentence?”
“What’s the point in finishing it? If Daniel’s not brave enough to stand up for who he is, then he’s not brave enough for me. I told him I wouldn’t be hidden, that I would never be his secret, and I would never be forced into the shadows. It doesn’t matter that I…”
I can’t say the word, I won’t say the word. My heart is already bleeding and I won’t push another knife into it.
“I can’t and I won’t live like that. Ever.”
My voice cracks along with my heart, and my barely held back tears fall once more.
I’m crying over Daniel Russo, but I’m determined it’s for the last time.
