Page 104 of Out of the Shadows
COSMO
“Cosmo, a word in my office please.”
The summons I’ve been dreading since the moment I walked into work. It’s my first day back in the office, and Daniel’s been in back to back meetings all day. It’s getting on for six o’clock and most people have left, or are leaving. I thought I’d escaped this but maybe it’s for the best we get to say whatever’s left to say over and done with.
Daniel’ s framed by the doorway. He’s as immaculate as ever. His tie’s straight, his shoes are shiny, his suit is beautifully cut and a perfect fit. His hair’s swept back, and newly cut, and for a reason I know but refuse to acknowledge, it stings. Yet no matter how damn good he looks, it’s an illusion, because I can see the strain in his eyes, the tightness around his jaw and the pallid cast to his skin. There are shadows under his eyes, too, and it looks like he’s not slept for days. It’s the same look that greets me each time I see my reflection in the mirror.
“I was about to leave. Can it wait?”
So much for getting it over with.
His gaze flickers over to Fiona, standing by her desk and rummaging through her bag. It comes back to rest on me.
“No, it can’t. In my office,” he says quietly, his eyes never leaving mine.
Daniel doesn’t wait for me but turns on his heel and heads off. I could just go, and leave him sitting and waiting, but I know he won’t let me get away with that. I power down my computer and mumble good night to Fiona, and follow Daniel.
All the blinds are drawn on the glass walls of his office. A private meeting, no prying eyes. He’s not at his desk, but is striding from one glass wall to the other, his hand clamped to the back of his neck. He’s anxious and worried, and I embrace the bitchy little thrill that shivers through me.
I come to a stop several feet from him. I don’t want to be close enough to touch or be touched, I don’t want to breathe in his sharp, tangy cologne. I don’t want to feel the heat of him. He stops pacing and steps towards me, but I move back and I don’t miss the flinch in his eyes.
“I’ve got nothing to say to you, Daniel, about anything other than work. And if this isn’t about work I’m going to turn around and walk out.”
“You know what it’s about. You’ve been ignoring all my calls and text messages. I’ve even come around to your house. Do you honestly think we can just leave it? There has to be a way of sorting this out.”
I hold my breath and count not to ten, but fifteen, twenty. It would be so easy to become the man I was on Saturday. Furious, sad, raging, tear filled, as I railed at him for his betrayal and for the hurt that ripped me to shreds. But I won’t be that man again, not now, not ever.
“What’s to sort out? You made it clear where you stand. You had the chance to acknowledge me but you didn’t. I’ve travelled down that road before, you know I have, and I’m not prepared to do it again.”
It doesn’t matter that I fell in love with you. It doesn’t matter that I thought we had a future. It doesn’t matter that for the first time in my life that void in my heart I always knew existed but refused to acknowledge, filled to overflowing. None of that matters, not if you can’t be brave for me or for yourself.
I could tell him that, I could tell him all that and more. But what’s the point? We’re feet from each other, but oceans apart.
“You talk of being open, but you’ve closed your mind to everything I try and say to you. Don’t you remember what you said to me, about coming out over and over again? If that’s the case, don’t you think I’m going to stumble from time to time, that I’m going to make mistakes? On Saturday, I screwed up, but I can’t change what happened. I wish to god I could, but I can’t.”
“Of course I remember, and the chance was offered to you on a plate. There comes a time when you have to cross the line and not look back. You refused to do it. And how many more times will you refuse? If your family comes to visit? If we run into friends of yours while we’re out together? Who will I be then? Still just a friend? All I wanted was to be recognised and acknowledged. But you couldn’t do it, could you? If you can’t acknowledge me, you can’t acknowledge yourself—”
“I do acknowledge myself. I know exactly who I am and who it is who’s made me face it.”
He steps towards me and I fall back, pushing my arms out straight in front of me to ward him off. I don’t trust myself to not reject his touch, to not inhale the faint aroma of his cologne, to not look into the blue of his eyes, or not to let my gaze drop to his full lips whose brush against mine always sent my heart into a tailspin.
He stops and his hand once more reaches for the back of his neck, rubbing and scratching. My fingers itch to ease it away. But I won’t do it, because I won’t give ground.
“Please Daniel. We’re finished. It’s too late to go back, and long term it’s best for both of us—” My voice catches threatening to knock a brick from the wall I’m building around myself.
I want so much to be angry. I want to fly at this man and rip him apart for being just another arsehole who’s glad to be gay just as long as it’s behind closed doors and the curtains are pulled tight. Yet I can’t be. I cried out all my anger and there’s no more left. All I feel is sad and flat and more lifeless than I’ve ever been before.
“I don’t believe you mean that.”
I shake my head. “Then it just goes to prove you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”
All my tension leaches from me. My head’s thumping, I’m drained and tired and all I want now is for this to be over.
“One thing you should know, I’ve already started looking for a new job. It’s going to be difficult working here with you—”
“What?”
The shock on his face is almost funny, but how can he possibly think we could carry on working together?
