Page 110 of Out of the Shadows
DANIEL
“Bye, Mum. And thank you, so, so much.”
My voice wobbles as we enfold each other in our arms, pulling apart only when the whistle blasts its warning the train is about to leave. Seconds later I’m waving her off, as she makes her way back to the Home Counties town, just north of London.
I’m exhausted, and it’s only just gone nine o’clock in the evening. A long, late lunch in a tucked away little restaurant, then onto a cosy pub where we’d sat for hours.
We’d talked and talked and talked. Or rather I did, and my mum had listened, as it had all come tumbling out. It hadn’t, she said, come as a total surprise. My jaw had dropped as I’d stared at her. I hadn’t quite known what to expect, but it hadn’t been that. She’d just smiled — and pushed my jaw up with a finger, because it’d pretty much dropped to the floor.
I told her about Cosmo, and what had happened at the fête. I told her, too, about our argument, and how he accused me of betraying him. She had taken his part, wholly and unreservedly. When you loved somebody, you stood by them in all things. You took their hand, and held on tight. You never, ever betrayed them. She had said all this to me in her calm and measured way, and I’d cried.
Love. The missing last piece of the jigsaw puzzle of my life, it had clicked into place.
I did love Cosmo, there was no way I could ever not love him. I told her this as she’d held me tight and rocked me just as she had when I was a child. It wasn’t her I had to confess my love to, she said, it was Cosmo. It had to be loud and clear, I needed to show and not just tell him.
I’d laughed and she’d asked why, but I just shook my head. My mum and Geraldine, both of them integral to my life, both of them so different yet so alike in their clear, razor sharp perception.
On a Friday night, Kings Cross station is heaving, but I find a seat out of the crush. I pull my phone out and hit speed dial, pressing it close to my ear. I need to tell him I was wrong, I need to… it goes to voicemail, but my words wither and die on my tongue because I can’t tell him.
I have to show him how much he means to me.
I have to show him, in front of everybody, how much I love him.
* * *
The cab pulls up outside the hotel. The Christmas party. I don’t know if Cosmo’s here, not for sure, but something scratches at the back of my head that he will be. Unlike me, he’s not a man who runs away.
I make my way to the rooftop garden, where the party’s been in full flow for over two hours.
Laughter greets me as I emerge from the lift, along with music from the live band. I’m standing in the shadow cast by a tall floral display, all red and green and gold, the bright colours of Christmas. Shadow… my lips twitch with the irony of it. Determination had gripped me hard at the station but now I’m here its hold on me has loosened. Doubt, not about what I have to do, but fear it’s all too late…What if he doesn’t want me… What if there’s no way back… What if he refuses to take my hand…?
What if, what if, what if… I don’t know the answers but it’s a risk I have to take, the biggest and most important risk I’ve ever faced.
I close my eyes. I’m shaking because I’ve never been so scared. I breath in deep and exhale long and slow. My racing heart calms a little and I unclench my balled up fists as I step forward and make my way towards the marquee.
“Daniel? Good to see you, I thought you were unable to come.”
William steps into my path, beaming and cradling what looks like a brandy. Even in the flickering light from the electric flares, I can see he’s red faced from alcohol.
“Slight change of plan so I thought I’d look in.” I make my escape before he can keep me talking, and walk through into the marquee, and pause on the threshold.
Fairy lights and more flares flicker and pulse in the darkness, and it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. The dance floor’s heaving as everybody dances to the live band, up on the stage. I look around, my head jerking from side to side, seeking him out amidst the crush.
“Daniel, you made it!” Fiona emerges from the crowd, a vision in a very short dress that looks like it’s made from tin foil. She’s swaying slightly as she clutches a champagne flute. “Fancy a dance?”
“Sorry, Fiona. No. I’m looking for Cosmo. Is he here?”
My tone must be sharper than I think, as she jerks back.
“Erm, yes. He’s over there, I think.” She waves an arm to the side. “He’s as miserable as sin. Reckon his love life must be on the blink.”
I move off in the direction she’s pointed to, pushing through the crush of bodies. It’s all I can do not to shove everybody out of the way as I respond with nods to every call of my name, and a shake of my head to glasses of champagne pushed my way. I get through, somehow, and I see him.
God but my heart almost bursts with sadness.
A corner table, tucked away in the far reaches of the marquee, his only company a bottle of champagne. His head’s leaning on one of the struts and he’s staring into space oblivious to everything around him. He’s alone, and lonelier than I’ve ever seen him. All I can do is gaze at him, and try not to weep.
Even in the low light, the dark smudges under his eyes are impossible to miss. He looks so tired, so worn down, yet younger than his years and so much more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him. Even after the shit storm of the fête, when he’d cried tears of upset and anger, there had been the heat of defiance about him. But now? He’s hunched and dejected and defeated. It’s me who’s brought him to this, me. I hate myself for it, and will do anything to bring this man back to his brilliant, dazzling life.
