Page 49 of Out of the Shadows
“What are you going to do about it? You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”
“I’m not pretending it didn’t happen, but it has to be put aside and forgotten by both of us. This would never have happened at work, but we were away from the office and all the normal lines were blurred, I’d had a drink—”
“So, you’re putting it all down to alcohol? Knowing you as I do, if that’s your defence it’s a pretty poor one.”
“I’m not on the stand, Geraldine, so don’t cross examine me. I’m just telling you what happened, that’s all.”
“If I were cross examining you, you’d know about it. I certainly wouldn’t let you wriggle out of giving me a clear answer the way you’re doing now. You called me to talk, and it’s exactly what you need to do, but in so doing you’re going to have to face some questions whether from me or from yourself. I’m not the sort to saythere, there, it’ll all be better. If that’s what you want from me, you’ll be disappointed.”
She’s got me on the ropes, and we both know it. I take a breath, a moment, before I answer.
“I’d had just the one pint, as Cosmo himself pointed out. I didn’t kiss him because I was drunk. And yes, it was me who made the first move.”
“I don’t think it matters who started it, the fact is you were both willing participants. I understand it’s awkward, because you work together — and that’s a whole can of worms in itself — but you need to be honest with yourself about how that kiss made you feel. If it was just opportunity and circumstance, because of all those blurred lines and a pint of beer,” she says, raising a brow that for a moment puts me in mind of Cosmo, “then we wouldn’t be having this discussion and you wouldn’t be so tortured. Daniel, we’re not here to discuss the fact of the kiss itself, but what that kiss really means.”
“I could say it doesn’t mean anything.”
“And I could say it means you’re lying to yourself. And I think you have been lying to yourself, for too many years. What happened is your opportunity to face and embrace the truth.”
“You deal in what is and isn’t true every single day, but I’m not sure I know what the truth really is.”
“I don’t believe that. You’re rattled and I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. This kiss, it’s prodded something that’s been lying asleep in you for a long time, and now it’s starting to wake up and it’s going to look you in the eye. And you need to be ready to look back at it. I’m not sure what label you should put on it, or whether a label is in fact useful or helpful. Gay? Bisexual? Pan-sexual? Whichever term you use, if you use one at all, your life — whether you like it or not — has veered off the straight and narrow path you set for yourself. Pun, I should add, is fully intended.”
“That path, as you put it, has put me in an invidious situation. As you pointed out, Cosmo and I work together. I’m his boss. It’s a bloody mess.”
“Ah, yes. That’s tricky. A minefield in fact, which could open up all kinds of problems for you. If you think you and he might have a more personal relationship—”
“Relationship?” The word explodes from me. “There’s no way that could possibly happen. I told him, the whole thing wasn’t just a mistake, it was an aberration.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Daniel!”
I lurch backwards. Geraldine rarely if ever swears, and she’s done so loudly enough for the other customers to turn and look at us. Anger and irritation mar her normally serene expression.
“You snogged him, because I’m putting two and two together that this wasn’t a chaste peck on the cheek, and then you turn around and tell himthat?I’m surprised he didn’t punch you, because I sure as hell would have in the circumstances.”
My shoulders sag. “I’ve made a huge mess.”
“Yes, you have. Honestly, Daniel, you must see it was a pretty crappy thing to say, but it also stinks of pulling professional rank.”
I start. “How do you work that one out?”
“Just as you say, you work together. Or rather Cosmo worksforyou. There’s a difference. You’re rightly feeling awkward, but think of his situation for a moment. His boss has told him he was anaberration. Yet, he’s got to walk back into the office on Monday morning knowing he’s in a subordinate position, and that you hold all the cards. If nothing else he’s probably wondering how it’s going to affect his job. You haven’t thought about the situation he’s in because it’s all wrapped up in a nasty little word called aberration.”
Geraldine’s words are a dousing in icy water. I’ve not thought of this from Cosmo’s perspective because I’ve been so caught up in how this affects me, and me alone.
“I’d never use what happened as a way of easing him out of his job.” I wouldn’t do that. He’s an opinionated, self assertive little sod, but he’s good at what he does and there’s no way I want to let him go. “Whatever personal can of worms this has opened for me, I know I’m going to have to deal with it in some way—”
“Yes, you are, but that doesn’t include nailing the lid back down.”
“I know,” I whisper.
Once again, her cool hand lands on mine. I look up and try my best to smile.
“But he works for me, just as you say. I can’t allow myself to get involved with anybody in the workplace, so as far as Cosmo’s concerned what happened can never, ever happen again.”
“Are you really so sure?”
I look away, leaving the question unanswered.
