Page 53 of Out of the Shadows
“I like my job, and the way this place is changing, and I was determined to stay here — as much to stick my fingers up at you if nothing else — but how can I? How can we carry on working together? So I’ve decided to cut my losses and move on. I’ve already put feelers out so it won’t be long before I’m out of your hair.”
He pushes up from the desk, and goes to walk past me but I plant my palm in the centre of his chest. I do it without thought but the feel of his firm muscles beneath my hand all but takes my breath away. I should remove it, I should apologise and step back and let him pass. But I don’t. Instead I brush my thumb backwards and forwards.
“This is the second time you’ve stopped me. You shouldn’t be touching me like this, you know that don’t you? Wouldn’t this be regarded as workplace harassment of some kind? Maybe I should talk to Linda first thing on Monday morning.” He’s staring down at my hand planted on his chest but he makes no move to push it away.
“Maybe it is. Perhaps you should talk to her, or your union rep.”
“If we had the unions here. But you really should remove your hand, you know,”
“Yes, I suspect I should.”
Around us all is silent except for the ever present low level electrical hum of office equipment. What the hell am I doing? But the truth is, I know.
“For god’s sake Daniel.” Cosmo’s voice is rough and uneven as he stumbles back a step, and once more slumps against his desk, letting his head drop forward. I move in, crowding him as I place my hands squarely on top of the desk, either side of him.
“This really is harassment,” he says, but there’s no conviction in his voice.
Maybe he’s right, he probably is right, but all I can think about is not letting him walk out of here with the belief he has no option other than to go.
“Don’t leave.”
He shakes his head. “It’d be better for both of us.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“How can you say that?” he bursts out, snapping his head up. Colour floods his face and his eyes glitter as they lock onto mine. This spark, this push back, this is who he is. “Of course it’d be better. Why can’t you see it?”
“Better than this?”
I kiss him.
It’s light and hesitant, little more than a brush of my lips against his. He gasps and jumps, but only for a moment. He doesn’t shove me away when he has every right in the world to do so. Instead, he sighs as he loops his arms loosely around my neck, his answering kiss as hesitant as my own.
“That’s the second time you’ve kissed me. What happens now?” He slips his arms from me. “Is this where you tell me that was just another aberration?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry for being an arsehole, the first time. The only thing I can say in my defence, even though it’s not much of one, is that I was scared.”
“So you lashed out. At me.”
“I did, and I’m sorry.”
His feline, green eyes are watchful as he assesses me. Perhaps he’s considering whether or not he can trust me; I can’t blame him.
“Sooo.”He stretches the word out, tilting his head to the side as he narrows his eyes. “Who are you?”
“What do you mean?” Although I know what he means.
Which is my label of choice? My conversation with Geraldine comes back to me. I drag out Cosmo’s chair, and flop down into it. Cosmo says nothing, as he waits.
“I’ve told myself, and the rest of the world, I was one thing when inside I knew it was a lie. What happened, in Devon, it was like the missing piece of a puzzle, it was as though something slotted into its rightful place. I know I screwed up after, but at the time it was how it felt.”
I look away, feeling self-conscious. There’s more than twenty years between us and I’m in control of so much of my life, but I’m not in control of this. I’m floundering as I grope my way forward. My words hardly make sense to me, so how can they make sense to Cosmo?
“So what are you telling yourself now? That you’re bi?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Geraldine Laferty.” He says her name so bluntly, my shoulders jerk.
