Page 80 of Out of the Shadows
“I’m not asking you to march down the street and wave a rainbow flag. Although I’ve got to say doing that at PRIDE is one hell of a lot of fun. Maybe we can do it next year?”
I’m not expecting him to answer, I’m just joking, that’s all, but I can’t help the twinge of disappointment when he doesn’t.
It’s enough he’s consented to come to the party with me. As my boyfriend.
But is it? Is it really enough?
For now it has to be. But there’s something else I have to say, something he needs to know, because he’s going to be dealing with this not just in the weeks and months to come, but for the rest of his life.
“This isn’t the last time you’re going to feel awkward, when you have to face something you don’t want to or feel you shouldn’t have to. It’s called coming out, Daniel. And you’ll never stop coming out. Every new situation, every new social interaction, every official form you fill in, you’ll be coming out over and over and over again. You’ll be doing it all your life, but if you want to live in the sunshine rather than the shadows, it’s a price you’re going to have to pay.”
He turns to stare out through the plate glass window, looking out over the bustling high street the way I did earlier. I’ve forced him into acknowledging the challenges he’s going to face — and the choices he never thought he would have to make.
I want to live in the sunshine and I refuse to hide in the shadows. It’s the heart of what I’ve said to him, and he’s smart enough to know it. I only hope to god he wants to do the same thing, but if he doesn’t…? I can’t and won’t think about it, not here, not in this moment.
He turns back from the window, settling his gaze on me, and smiles. It’s soft and warm and eases all those doubts and worries fighting within me. He places his hands on the table, palms up, inviting me to join mine with his, and with a jump in my heart I do. His hands close around mine, strong and warm and sure, and holding me tight.
“I don’t want to drag you into the shadows, Cosmo, but it’s where I’ve been living for all these years, so sudden, bright sunshine takes some getting used to. I want you to lead me into light, but for me it’s got to be a steady walk and not a race.”
I nod. “I can go slow. If there’s progress and forward momentum, I can do slow.”
Small steps, sure, slow and steady. If that’s what it takes to get this man standing in sunshine, lifting his face to the warmth, then I’ll take those steps with him.
