Page 81 of Out of the Shadows
DANIEL
Sprawled out on the large bed in the hotel, I surf through the TV channels. I’m working away for a few days, and to be honest it’s come at just the right time, giving me the physical if not the emotional distance from Cosmo.
It’s been three days since Cosmo and I were in the café where he handed me his ultimatum. I’m not sure if he was seeing it like that, but that’s what it felt like to me. I can’t help wondering what he’d say if I said I wanted him to meet Geraldine. But, knowing Cosmo, he’d take it all in his stride, give her his wide and confident smile and end up winning her over completely.
I understand why he wants me to meet James and Freddie. To have said no would have been to show myself as no better, in his eyes, than… What was his name? Leon. What a bastard. I would never treat Cosmo like that, but he needed proof and if that means going with him as his boyfriend to his cousin’s party, then I’m ready to give him what he needs.
It’s a test, of sorts. A test of what and who I’ve told him I am. A test of what and who we are to each other. A test of us being together in public as a couple amongst those he cares for. But it’s a safe test, I suppose. His cousin and his best friend, both of them gay, both of them like Cosmo himself, out, proud, and confident and knowing how to navigate it all when I’m still clinging to a life raft in turbulent and uncharted waters. I know it’s a test I have to take, but it feels too soon. I haven’t learnt enough, I don’t know enough, I’m still trying to work out how this new life I’ve chosen and am supposed to live, works. But how could I have said no, after what he told me? He’d have said I was afraid and ashamed, before getting up and walking away. How could I have blamed him? He’d have been right about the fear, but ashamed? No, not that.
The last couple of days have been packed with meetings, going on well into the evening. I’ve been able to concentrate on those and block out everything else, but alone in the hotel bedroom there’s too much space and emptiness and quietness. The TV’s no distraction, and the book I’ve brought with me hasn’t even been opened. All I can think about when my brain isn’t filled with work is Cosmo and what I’ve agreed to — and if he’ll find me wanting. I rub my dry, tired eyes harder than I mean to, and end up seeing bursts of light in the darkness. It’s just a party, that’s all, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Chit chat over drinks. Ask polite questions about wedding plans. Give bland answers about my work. Run and hide in the shadows if the lights trained on me become too bright and exposing.
My phone lays next to me on the bed and I pick it up and turn it over and over in my hand, debating whether to call him.
We’ve exchanged a few text messages and he even asked if I wanted to book in a telephone sex session. That made me smile; it also made my dick thicken and my face pulse with heat, when I checked my phone during a quick coffee break. I’d rammed it back into my pocket and pretended to give sober and considered answers to the bright young professionals who were pumping me for my views on this form of investment, or that, when all I could think about was Cosmo on the other end of a video call… That was my secret and as they all nodded and smiled and listened to the pearls of wisdom dropping from my tongue, I wondered what secrets lay behind their eager faces.
Secrets. The word is a heavy stone in my stomach. Is that what Cosmo really and truly is to me? Something hidden away and kept in the shadows? It’s a question I have to ask myself, but I’m not sure if I have the answer. Yet there’s no denying things would be so much easier, so much less complicated, for the status quo to stay as it is. No awkward conversations about meeting family and friends, no having to nail my colours to the mast.
Cosmo would never be satisfied with that, and why should he be?
“Bloody hell.” My hand finds the back of my stiff and tense neck.
What was it he said to me? That I’ll always be coming out, to every new person I meet and in each new situation I find myself in. Am I prepared for that? Really and truly prepared?
I crawl under the duvet and switch the light off, plunging the room into darkness. Lying on my back I stare up at the ceiling and wait for the sleep that never comes, as I ask myself the same question over and over and never arrive at an answer.
