Page 82 of Out of the Shadows
COSMO
“Are you okay? “
“Of course I am.”
I don’t believe him, but he doesn’t believe himself either. It’s the first time Daniel has been out with me amongst those who matter.
Out. The irony isn’t lost on me.
I love having Daniel to myself. I can’t wait for the working day to finish so we can drop the front we have to maintain at work. We’ve been private because I know it’s what he’s needed. I understand it, I get it, but… I’ve been putting off seeing friends because of Daniel. I’ve been making excuses not to meet up for drinks, to go out clubbing. I’m not sure I really want to do those things without him, but…
This isn’t like any relationship I’ve had before. It’s delicate and fragile in so many ways, and it needs careful handling, but when James got in touch, telling me he and Perry were having a party to mark the start of their official engagement, there was no way I was going to say no, just as there was no way I would go without Daniel.
It’s Saturday evening and the streets are busy as we make our way to James’ Highgate house. I catch Daniel’s hand in my own, thinking only to give him a squeeze of encouragement, but he tenses up.
He’s new to this; he still coming to terms with what it all means; I can’t expect him to suddenly change the way he’s lived his whole life…I let his hand drop and try to ignore the disappointment and upset that pulls at my stomach. I hunch myself into my coat and put my head down against the brisk breeze.
“Cosmo?”
Daniel’s voice is soft and caressing. It’s also low and deep, and it sends a tremble through me. It’s a voice I’ve come to know well. It’s a voice I’ve heard whisper just before he’s crushed his lips to mine and kissed me with a heat and passion that’s left me panting for breath. I lift my head and look at him; he’s smiling and all the disappointment and upset fades to nothing. He pulls my hand from my coat pocket and entwines his fingers with mine.
It doesn’t take us long to get to James’. If we didn’t know where the party was, we’d certainly know it the moment we turn into his street.
The front door’s festooned with multicoloured fairy lights, all flashing and twinkling and accompanied by the rumble of music. It’s only early evening but the house will be packed and now, suddenly, I’m the one who’s nervous. But I’ve no time to think about it, not when the door’s flung open to reveal James brandishing a lurid, neon cocktail and a huge and welcoming smile.
“Cosmo!”
He’s loud, and maybe it’s so he can be heard over the din coming from the house, but I also think it might be because he’s had one or two of the noxious looking drinks. Or maybe three or four. He envelops me in a one armed hug and gives me a big smacker of a kiss on the side of the face before he turns and looks at Daniel.
Or should I say assesses him.
Ropes of tension pull at my stomach, and my chest tightens. At over twenty years my senior, James isn’t just my cousin, he’s been a steady and solid presence throughout my life. What he thinks matters to me. My eyes flit from one to the other. It’s not just James who’s assessing. They’re weighing each other up, each sizing the other, adversaries when they’ve no need to be. What can only be seconds feels like eternity. I lick my arid lips, ready to say something, anything, to burst through what feels like some kind of stand off, when James smiles wide and thrusts out his hand to Daniel. Silently, I let go of the breath I hardly knew I was holding.
“I’m James as you’ve probably already guessed. Daniel, is it?”
“Yes, that’s right. Good to meet you.”
James’ smile is friendly, he doesn’t miss a beat, but I pretend not to notice the flash of ice in his eyes.
“Come on in.”
The party’s in full swing and he leads us through the crush to the kitchen.
“Help yourself to wine, beer and spirits if that’s your thing, but we’re also running a cocktail bar.” He nods to a mobile bar set up in the corner. “It’s worth asking for something wonderfully filthy and salacious, lurid and technicolour, and topped off with an umbrella, fruit, and a sparkler just to piss off the snotty mixologist we’ve hired for the evening. I winked at him, just to put him at his ease, but he looked at me like I’d whipped open my raincoat and flashed him. He should be so lucky.” James throws back his head and laughs, but I can’t help feeling sorry for the poor sod who’s mixing the cocktails.
Daniel smiles; my assured man is lost for words, but to be honest that’s not uncommon when faced with James at full throttle.
“You shouldn’t be winking at men, not now you’re on the cusp of becoming a respectable married man.”
James snorts. “Yes, I might be on the cusp of getting married but there never was, there isn’t, and there never will be anything remotely respectable about me. I’m far too long in the tooth to change my ways.”
He throws a smile in Daniel’s direction and a chill runs through me. To anybody else it would be just that, a smile, but I know every one of James’. It’s a warning but the warning’s not for me, it’s for Daniel.
Oh, god…
“Look, here’s Perry,” James calls, switching all our attention to the guy who’s walked into the kitchen.
A smile of pure joy breaks out on my cousin’s face; for him, Perry is the only man in the room. Whoever this James is, he’s one I barely recognise. Perry, smiling and chatting as he goes, makes his way through the crush of bodies and James sweeps him up in his arms, hugging him close as though he’s the most precious jewel in the world.
