Page 85 of Out of the Shadows
Their stance mirrors mine and Cosmo’s but it’s not lost on me that the two other men are so free and easy and unthinking in their physical public affection for each other, whereas every move I make feels as though it’s a calculation, a conscious decision. Do they notice? I’m not sure, not if the easy way Cosmo’s leaning into me is anything to go by, but here and now, in front of these men who are so comfortable with who they are, I’m envious of their ease and naturalness.
“It is a love nest, I’m happy to admit that.” Elliot turns to Freddie, and gives him a kiss on the tip of his nose. It’s sweet and loving, and once again envy shifts and stirs in my stomach.
“… get down there as much as we can, but the weekends are never long enough so most of our time at the cottage is confined to the university holidays.”
Both Freddie and Elliot are looking at me as though waiting for a response and I scramble to catch up. Cosmo throws me a lifeline although I don’t think he realises it.
“What is it about the Devonshire countryside? Even James and Perry are talking about getting something down there, and James hyperventilates the moment he steps outside of a London postcode.”
“Whereabouts in Devon? I spent most of my school holidays on my grandparents sheep farm just over the border in Dorset.”
“Sheep, bloody sheep,” Cosmo mutters, but I can hear the laughter rippling through his words.
Elliot and Freddie give me identical high wattage smiles.
“A seaside village called Love’s Harbour, although it’s grown over the years. You’re not the only one who spent their childhood holidays in the West Country,” Elliot says. “I used to stay with my great aunt, she had a little cottage in the village.”
The gods must be feeling contrite. If I had any more lives, I’d be a cat.
“Love’s Harbour? Yes, I know it, I’ve been there several times…”
I forget all about feeling awkward and out of place as we plunge into conversation about the old fishing village that was as much a part of my childhood as it was Elliot’s. Our conversation reveals both people and places in common and for the first time since I walked through the door, I feel myself relax. I’d be more than happy to talk to Elliot and Freddie all evening, but like Perry earlier, they too are claimed by other guests.
“You seem happier. Less tense.”
Cosmo slides both arms around me and nuzzles, and I return his embrace and plant a kiss on the top of his head, yet… I can’t help but cast around for inquisitive eyes. I hate myself for it, but nobody’s taking any notice and why should they be? We’re at a party to celebrate the love of two people in a same-sex relationship, so why the hell would anybody be bothered about me enfolding Cosmo in my arms?
Fuck it.
I tighten my hold and I’m rewarded with a sigh.
“Nobody cares Daniel, nobody’s passing judgement,” Cosmo murmurs into the side of my neck.
His breath is warm on the exposed skin above the collar of my shirt and I close my eyes, wishing with a hard and sudden violence that it was just us, us alone, tucked up together with the world shut away. Yet as much as I crave that, I know the world is out there waiting for us. I just need to muster the courage walk out into it.
“I’m not so sure James would agree.”
“Leave James to me,” Cosmo says after a tiny but telling silence. “I couldn’t wish for a better cousin, in fact he’s been something of a saviour, and more than once, but he can also be heavy-handed and interfering. Did you know he set up Elliot and Freddie? And okay, I might have helped, or just a little bit, but he was the master planner and engineer behind it all…”
Cosmo plunges into the story of James and his matchmaking, and I’m soon laughing.
“So his intentions are good, they really are.” Cosmo stares up at me, his eyes so much like James’, willing me to agree.
A raucous cheer and loud clapping explodes from the living room and we both turn and look.
The darkness is illuminated with flashing lights and a very kitsch disco ball. Music pumps out, and it’s just got a lot louder. I don’t recognise any of it and I can’t say I like it much, either, but as one tune fades out and another comes on, it’s something I do know and can dance to.
“Come on, let’s do our stuff and boogie on down.” I take his hand to pull him into the living room.
Cosmo laughs. “You do realiseboogie on downis something only old people say?”
“You do realise, I am an old person? Older than you, in any case. And besides, Geraldine always said I was a good—” I stop, realising what I’ve said. I turn to Cosmo “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said—”
“Why? She’s part of your history and she sounds lovely.”
I nod. “She is. Thank you.”
The living room, quite literally the beating hub of the house, swallows us up into its neon streaked blackness.
