Page 89 of Out of the Shadows
“How do you know? I mean really know? Do people have a complete switch around when it comes to their orientation? I wish you’d have spoken to me about this. We used to talk, about anything and everything.”
I stare hard at Freddie. “Why do you think? It’s because I knew how you’d react and that you’d try to warn me off. Which is exactly what you’re doing, isn’t it? Have you been set up to do this? Has James persuaded you to have a word with me?”
“No, of course not.” The redness in Freddie’s face is the colour of indignation, as embarrassment and awkwardness are thrown aside. “I’m not anybody’s stooge. I’m just trying to make you think about what you’re doing — okay, potentially doing,” he says, when I glare at him. “You were wrecked after what happened with Leon and I don’t want to see it happen again, so I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I just sat back and said nothing, would I? You got hooked before, and badly, and you said you’d never again go near a man who wasn’t sure about himself—”
“He is sure about himself. Don’t you think we haven’t talked and talked about this? He’s taking slow steps, and who can really blame him? Coming with me to the party as my partner, and meeting—”
“Partner?”
“What?
“Partner, not boyfriend. That sounds… serious.”
“I—”
It’s my turn to go red, as my cheeks pulse with heat. I look away, unable to meet Freddie’s steady gaze.
“I think it is, or could be.” I force myself to turn and face my friend full on. “Daniel’s life was on another track but it was the wrong one, for him. Isn’t it better he’s found the right one, even if it has taken him years? What I’ve got with him, it’s different to anything I’ve ever experienced.”
“Well, that’s… I’ve got to say, Cos, I’m surprised because you were always so cynical. Anything more than random hook ups were strictly off limits, so pitching up with a guy — and let’s face it, Daniel’s not just any guy is he — and now referring to him as yourpartner—”
“I do believe you’re calling me slutty.”
“I do believe you’re correct.”
I huff. “Yes, well, it’s not like I’ve had either the best experience or role models when it came to relationships, is it?”
Mother, father, sister, with so many divorces between them I’m surprised the solicitors haven’t given them bulk discount… Leon, vicious and toxic, the human equivalent of anthrax, smallpox and the bubonic plague rolled into one.
“Your family, you mean? There’s no rule that says you have to be like them.” Freddie smiles and squeezes my hand.
He’s right, because otherwise we’d all be clones of our parents. Jesus, it’s enough to make me want to jump off Tower Bridge, and plunge head first into the Thames. But Freddie’s from a solid, tight knit and loving family. He’s one of the lucky ones, because in my experience families like his are not as common as he thinks.
“So, what’s going on with Daniel, it’s a proper, solid relationship, is that what you mean? Has the king of the random hook-up relinquished his crown?”
Freddie’s lips quirk, fracturing the tension, and I laugh in relief.
“I think I might have. And there’s no need to look quite so gobsmacked about it.”
Although I suppose from Freddie’s point of view, he’s got every reason to. But king of the hook-up? There’s a lot of truth in that, I suppose. Or there was. I puff out a long breath.
“You’re not the only one who’s surprised. As much as facing who he is is new ground for Daniel, being with somebody properly is new ground for me, too. We, erm, go on dates.”
I glare at Freddie, challenging him to make some snarky comment; he doesn’t, and waits for me to continue.
“Since we got together, I’ve not so much as looked at another man or thought of anybody else. And yes, surprising as it must be, I like it. As to his past, that’s exactly what it is: his past. It’s over and done with. He’s got a new, and authentic, present and future. Look.” I lean forward, over the table. “I trust my instincts enough to spot a phoney, because I’ve been bitten before.” Bitten? I was mauled and left for dead. “Just trust me Freddie. Okay?”
“I do trust you.”
“But not Daniel?
“I didn’t say that.”
“Didn’t you?” The tension creeps back into my shoulders as I go back on the defensive.
“No, I didn’t. I told you, I like him. But it does bother me he’s lived his life one way, and he may well decide it’s easier all round to switch tracks again. I have to be honest with you, Cos.”
“Because being gay is difficult, is that what you mean? You think he’ll decide it’s not worth the hassle, and taking the road of least resistance is the better choice? I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
