Page 99 of Out of the Shadows
COSMO
A friend…The words ring in my ears. They’ve crawled under my skin and infected my blood like a filthy virus.
I’m shaking. I don’t think I’ll ever stop shaking. I’m shaking with anger and upset and shock but I’m also shaking with sadness. Everything he said, everything he promised, it’s dust blown away on the wind.
“Cosmo…”
My name on his tongue is a struck match to the gunpowder keg; I lash out and knock him off balance.
Somehow we’re home, and in the lounge. Home. That’s a fucking laugh. We’re at Daniel’s house. I don’t remember getting here, or even why I’m here. One thing I do know, and it’s that I’m not staying. Now or ever again.
“I told you I would never live a lie, but when you introduce me asyour friend,that’s what you’re forcing me to do. Don’t you understand that?”
“I didn’t tell him because why should I? It’s not his business. He’s a nobody in my life. The important people, my family and my closest friends, they’re the ones I’ll tell, the ones I’ll saythis is Cosmo, my boyfriendto. The likes of Michael Carruthers don’t matter so why should I feel I have to tell who I am, and who we are?”
“No. No, no, no.” I shake my head so hard, my brain rattles around inside my skull. “Don’t you remember what I said to you? That you have to come out over and over again? I didn’t want you to make some flashy announcement and I didn’t expect it because that’s not you. But what I did expect was your honesty and support. But I didn’t get those, did I? By staying silent, you denied me. You denied who I am but most of all you denied yourself. What’s your middle name? Judas?”
The tears are running hot and free down my face, and snot smears my upper lip, but I don’t care. I don’t care I’m a shaking, raging mess, because he’s brought me to this end and he needs to be faced with it.
“Don’t come near me,” I spit when he takes a step forward.
He stops, his arms dropping limp to his side. My legs are barely holding me up but I won’t fall and I won’t crumble. I won’t break and I won’t let my heart shatter in front of Daniel Russo.
“We can sort this out, Cosmo. I know we can. Please.”
He’s breathing hard, and his face is deathly white. He looks as drained and sick as I know I must do. But it’s his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes that turn my heart to mush that beat at my resolve. They’re dull and sad, and full of shadows. If I let him touch me, if I let him fold me in his arms, if I let myself say I understand and that it doesn’t matter—
No.
Because I don’t understand. Because it does matter. Because I don’t even begin to know how somebody who can hold me like he does, kiss me like he does, make love to me as he does, and treats me like I’m the most precious thing in the world can deny my existence.
A bowl of loose change sits on the side, and I snatch it up and throw it at his feet. The glass shatters and the coins roll across the wooden floor. Daniel jumps back in shock.
“That’s pretty apt, wouldn’t you say?”
Not thirty pieces of silver, but it’s still the price of betrayal.
I surge past him, but he grabs my arm and yanks me back.
“I’m not letting you walk out, not like this. We can sort this out, I know we can. Jesus, Cosmo, I’ll even get down on my knees in front of you.”
“Sorry, but blow jobs are off the menu at the moment.”
I try to pull myself free of him but his grip is strong and hard and he won’t let go. All I want to do is to get out of here, to get away from his betrayal and his cowardice, but it’s not just the present I want to run from, it’s the past. I vowed I’d never again be another man’s dirty little secret and I’ll not break that vow, even though it’ll break my heart.
“Get the fuck off of me.” I wrench my arm free and shove him back. “It’s over, Daniel. We’re finished.”
“Finished? No. I won’t let you finish this here and now.”
I laugh in his face. “You’re too late because we were finished as soon as you failed to acknowledge me. I’m leaving here, and I’m leaving whatever it was we really were to each other.”
I’m shaking and those fucking tears are rolling down my cheeks again, and I whip my hand across my face to wipe them away. I’m a mess, but I’m a mess who’ll walk out with my head held high, even though everything inside me is breaking.
“Do you really think I’m going to let you walk away?”
“Do you really think I’m going to let you stop me?”
Both of us are breathing hard, rasping and ragged in the silence. I’m still shaking, every muscle in my body’s quivering as something more than anger grips at my stomach, something I don’t want to feel for this man ever again.
