Page 76 of Animal Instincts
“Joss, please. Come on, sit down.” He only wanted to explain, to make Joss understand what he was doing was for his sake, that hurting now was somehow painfully better than years of Joss wonderingwhat if?
Joss shook his head hard. With one hand, he gripped the table, as though willing himself not to fall. If Joss fell, Oliver would catch him, even though it was him who was pushing Joss towards the edge.
“What did he say to you, Oliver? Don’t you think I have a right to know?” Joss stared at him through eyes that were both defiant and unbelievably, inconsolably sad.
Oliver swallowed, trying to wet his throat, tongue and lips, which had turned to hard, dried out leather.
“He made me think. Not about what’s best for me, but what’s best for you.”
“What’s best forme?The two of you had a very cosy chat, didn’t you, making decisions about how my life should pan out. I don’t give a toss what he thinks, but I care about what you think. And you know what I’m hearing? Poor, dumb little Joss, who’s too stupid to know what he—”
“No, Joss. Not stupid, never that.”
Oliver jolted from the hard punch of Joss’ words.
“But what you are is young, and you need to see and experience more of life than Love’s Harbour can give you. Than I can give you. I’ve turned my back on city life. It’s not what I want, and I don’t see myself ever going back to it. Remember what I told you, about the dreams I had of being a rural vet? It’s why I came here, and it still holds true. But that’s never been whatyouwanted. Finding your escape route, it was why you came to work with me in the first place.
“You were so clear thinking about what you wanted — not just professionally but personally — yet now all that’s been pushed aside. I don’t want to be the reason you look around in two, three, five or ten years’ time and wonder what might have happened, how your life might have played out if you’d made the move you always planned for. It wasn’t just Spencer who made me stop and think, it was your old school friend Gary. They may have stated it differently, but they were saying the same thing.”
Just a few feet away from one another, they were oceans apart.
Joss shook his head, and swore under his breath.
“Do you really think I haven’t thought long and hard about how everything’s changed? Everything I want in life is here, in the Harbour. With you. Or that’s what I’d come to believe. You made me happy, Oliver, so happy.
“Everything was clicking into place. Even though this village is where I was born and raised, there was a part of me that never felt like I truly belonged. Until you came along, holding out the missing piece. And what have you done? You’ve ripped it away and thrown it aside, and for what? For the calculated words of your ex, a man who shafted you in all the wrong ways, and pulled your life to pieces.”
“It wasn’t only Spencer—”
“Gary.” Joss spat, as he glared at Oliver. “For Christ’s sake. Gary hates Love’s Harbour for his own reasons. I understand why he needed to run, but he wants everybody else to hate it and run, too. But I’m not going to convince you I know what’s best for me, am I?” Joss’ voice dropped. “I’m wondering if it’s even worth the energy to try, when I know I won’t get anywhere. And shall I tell you why? It’s because you’re afraid. You feed me this crap about wanting what’s best for me, but it’s really about your fear.
“You’re scared, Oliver. Do you think history will repeat itself, that somehow I’ll turn into another Spencer and take what I can before I move on to richer, greener pastures? Or that I’ll become embittered and resentful and blame you for ruining my life? Because that’s kind of what you’re saying with all this thwarted ambition bullshit.”
Joss rubbed at his eyes. He looked drained and worn out and Oliver’s heart bled knowing it was him who’d been the cause.
“You know what? In a weird and warped way, I do think you want what’s best for me, but everything you’ve said this evening just shows how wide of the mark you really are.”
“I do, Joss, the very best…” Oliver’s voice cracked.
Even though it meant pushing Joss away as his own heart broke, hewasdoing what was best. Joss would see that in time, he would. He had to, otherwise all this pain and heartbreak was for nothing, and Oliver couldn’t let himself believe that.
Joss pulled his shoulders back and tilted his chin upwards. His eyes were dark with desolation, but there was the growing light of defiance, too, and pride. Joss licked his lips, and Oliver swallowed, ready to take whatever Joss had left to say.
“I won’t be coming to work here again, for reasons I think you can understand. I don’t want your help in finding a job. Whether I leave the village, or stay, is my decision to make and not yours.”
“Joss—”
But it was too late, as Joss turned and walked out of the kitchen. Seconds later the front door slammed, plunging the house into silence.
Oliver’s legs gave way and he slumped into a chair. He fell forward and covered his head with his arms. His body began to shake, rising up him, an engulfing, suffocating wave of desolation and heartache that was all his fault, and his alone.
FORTY
“For Christ’s sake Bingo, stop squirming around.”
The little dog wriggled out of Joss’ grasp, his tail wagging as he barked, defying Joss’ attempt to attach the leash. It was fun and games to him, but Joss pressed his lips together in a grim line as he lunged for his dog, who bounded out of his way. Joss’ fragile temper finally broke.
“Stuff your bloody walk.” He threw the leash down and strode along the hallway and into the kitchen, slamming the door behind him, cutting off Bingo’s high pitched whine.
