Page 60 of Hearts Colliding
Ryan's stomach spasmed. She was wrong, so fucking wrong.
“No, it's not for the best," he spat. How could not being with Alex ever be for the best?
"But of course it is because he’s got no intention of staying here. As soon as he’s finished with the Harbour, he’ll hot foot it back to London. Doesn’t mean he has to build a blooming housing estate and shopping centre, though. You’ve got to face up to reality, Ryan my boy. Alex was only ever going to be a fling. How could it be anything else, when your life is here, and his is wherever he chooses? Same goes for him, too, as far as you're concerned.”
"No, that's not true. You don't know what you're talking about.” Ryan jumped up from his chair, so suddenly it wobbled on its back legs, threatening to topple to the floor. The large kitchen was too small to contain his anger — and his fear —that she might be—
No. No, she wasn't right. Not about what he and Alex were together, not when it was just the two of them, everything else set aside. He leant on the sink, and stared out through the window, into the back yard with its stacked up crates and beer barrels, but his nan's gaze seared into his back, and he turned around.
"I know he’s leaving, Nan, whatever the outcome. And when he does, I’ll be—” Broken, devastated... He swallowed down the hurt. The words were too weak, too small, to come anywhere close to painting the picture of his pain. “Like I say, he’ll be going soon because there's nothing and nobody here to keep him. He never misled me, but maybe I misled myself. You say it’s for the best it’s over, but I can't make myself believe that. I wanted to hate him so much, but in the end I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried, because, because—” The words burned in his throat, the truth of them too painful to speak as his world tumbled down around him.
“Come and sit back down, Ryan.”
“Nan, I’m exhausted. Can’t it wait? Please?” The last of his strength had ebbed away, he was barely standing and anything else his nan had to say would kick his legs from under him.
Eva nodded to his abandoned chair. She wasn’t going to let him go and, with nothing left to fight with, he slumped down into it.
“You said you never betrayed anyone. But that's not true, is it?"
"But it is! Why can't you believe me?" How much longer would he have to bang his head against that wall?
“Did I say you'd betrayed me, or your friends fighting to preserve the village? No, I didn't. It’s not us you've betrayed, Ryan.” She pressed the palm of her hand to her chest. “By not owning up to yourself or to Alex about what’s been happening, this is what you've betrayed, my boy. Your heart. You won't admit that you've fallen in love, and that's the biggest betrayal of all.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWO
Ryan looked in the full length mirror, propped up next to the wardrobe. What a mess. He felt as crap as he looked. His eye was a puffy mass of red and purple bruises and had drawn curious glances from some customers and outright nosy questions from others the night before. ‘Bit of a mishap’ had been his answer, and Declan hadn’t been around to offer an alternative version.
His nan had been on a mission to keep him busy in the pub until closing time and beyond. ‘Just leave things for a couple of days, let things calm down’ she’d said, when he’d suggested he should call Alex, or go back to the house. But how could he do that? How could he let them end in a fury of accusations?
Ryan made his way downstairs. Tina padded over, scrappy tail wagging as she sniffed and nuzzled.
“Hello, girl. At least you’re happy to see me. Reckon you’re about the only one.” He stroked her wiry fur, and scratched behind her floppy ears. He reached into his jeans, but his hand came out empty. Tina snorted, and loped off, making it clear what she thought of the lack of treats. Ryan stared after her — even his dog didn’t think his company was worth keeping.
He dropped down onto one of the steps and pulled out his phone and stared at it the way he’d done so many times in the silent hours of the night, fingers hovering over the screen, before his courage had deserted him. He sagged forward, and let his head sink into his hands.
“You’ve fallen in love…” He whispered the words, the words his nan had said to him yesterday, the words he hadn’t been able to stop hearing.
It was exciting, exhilarating, breathtaking.
It was terrifying.
It was real.
“Ryan?” His nan stood in the kitchen doorway. “I’m not sure if you look better than yesterday, or worse. Let me take a look.” She shuffled over, slippers scraping on the flag stoned floor. Gripping him by the chin she turned his head one way then the other. “You’ll live. Come on, there’s tea and breakfast waiting, and a busy morning.”
He got up and leaned against the stair rail. “I can’t leave it like this. I’ve got to see him, make him realise—”
“I know you do, my love. But tempers are still frayed. It’s all as fresh as the bruise on your face. All I’m saying is to leave it for a day or two. Let things simmer down. At the moment, everything’s still too raw. Bit like your eye.” She squeezed his arm. “I know it won’t feel like it at the moment, but you’ll get through it, we’ll get throughallof it. Come on, you have to keep your strength up for the day ahead.”
They opened up the pub for the daytime shift. He pulled pints, cleaned glasses and wiped down the bar, everything on autopilot as all the time his thoughts twisted and turned, tying themselves up in ever tighter knots.
“Fuck it.” He couldn’t leave it, he couldn’t let things simmer down and calm. He had to do something, and he had to do it now.
Abandoning the pint he was pulling, he fled the pub, his mum and nan’s called out, unanswered questions chasing after him.
* * *
"Alex? Alex, open up. I know you're there because I can hear Henry barking."
