Page 63 of Hearts Colliding
"What Ithoughtwe had?" Poor, deluded Ryan, believing in a connection that didn't exist... “You think I was imagining what was growing between us? That I was telling myself some kind of fairy tale?”
"I don't know what you were thinking. How can I? Circumstances and opportunity, remember? From the very start, we were time limited. We had a use by date.”
"A use by date? We're not some fucking bag of prawns, or egg sandwich, waiting to go off.”
"Come on, that's not what I mean and you know it. If you're honest with yourself, you'll know we don’t stand a chance. Even if I had been looking for more, everything’s stacked against us. Why can't you accept what happened for what is was?"
“Some kind of dirty little secret, is that what you mean?”
“That’s not—”
“I never saw us as dirty, and we're not so secret now, are we?” Ryan jabbed a finger towards his eye. “What is it you’re so frightened of, Alex?”
"I'm not frightened.”
"Aren't you? Because I am.”
"I don't understand.”
Ryan huffed. “No, well nor did I, or not until it was pointed out to me. And then it was a case of the bleeding obvious, as they say.”
“What are you talking about? You’re not making any—”
“Listen to me. Please? What I’m going to say makes more sense to me than anything else has in my life. Will you give me that much?”
Alex stared at him before he nodded, small, curt, and barely there, but it was enough.
“My nan, she accused me of betrayal but she wasn't talking about what's happening out there, but in here." He pressed a hand to his chest. “This was what I was guilty of betraying. My heart. That was my only act of betrayal, not admitting to myself, or to you, what was happening because somewhere along the line, when it was just me and you, and nobody else, I fell in love.”
“What...?"
"I fell in love. I fell in love with you. It frightens me to death, the—the enormity of it. I betrayed my heart once, but I won’t do it again. I love you, Alex. They’re the truest, scariest words I’ve ever said, but I’ll never stop saying them.”
Silence blanketed the room, damping down every sound except the hard, erratic beat of Ryan’s heart. Alex’s pale blue eyes were huge in his immobile, bloodless face.
“Love me?” Alex croaked. “No. You can’t love me. Whatever you think you feel, you’re wrong.” He backed away, shaking his head. "Whatever you’ve persuaded yourself you're feeling, it's not real. It’s a delusion. For god's sake, Ryan, I'm leaving. Look around you. Do you really think I'd let myself be shackled to this house or village?”
“Wrong? I’ve never felt more right in my whole life.” He stepped forward, closing the gap between them.
“But what you’ve told yourself you feel isn’t true. It's a fairly tale, and fairy tales, just like big fluffy happy ever afters, don’t exist in real life. You asked me to listen and I’ve done that. Now it’s my turn.
“What if—and this is one big hypothetical—we went public? What if we became this fantasy couple you're deluding yourself about? What then? For a lot of people in the Harbour, I’m public enemy number one. The applicationwillgo through. I’ll be converting this house, and building on the Jenkins land.
“This place is going to change, and it’ll all be because of me. I’m going to be hated for it, and by extension they'll hate you too. Are you telling me you could live with that? People you've known all your life, giving you the cold shoulder, and not trusting you. Haven’t you thought how hard that would be, enduring that day in and day out? Because that’s what would happen if I stayed and we became what you’re fantasising about.
“The world's a hard place, Ryan, hard and not very forgiving, and you’d be forced to face that every single day. Take what we had for what it was, and leave it at that, for your own sake.”
"And what was that?”
“Not love. It can’t be, don’t you see?”
Ryan shook his head. “No, I don’t, because what I see is you. You’re not the cold and frosty man you show to the world. I’ve seen beneath that, I’ve melted it away until it’s been no more than a puddle on the floor.
“I don’t believe you see us as nothing more than some temporary, time limited diversion to be put aside and forgotten. I know you, Alex, I’ve got under your skin. And that frightens you. But you know something? I’m frightened too. I’ve just done the most terrifying thing ever in my life. I’ve told you I love you, and you have no idea how much saying that scares the shit out of me. But I won’t run away from what I feel. And that’s the difference between us. I’m prepared to fight for us, but you’re not. This.” Ryan swept his arm around the disheveled room. “This is running away. You did it when you were eighteen, and you’re doing it again—”
“What?” The blood drained from Alex’s face and he began to sway.
“Alex?” Ryan lunged forward, to grab him, to stop him from falling, but Alex staggered back out of reach and clutched the edge of the sofa.
