Page 69 of Hearts Colliding
“Yet he wasmy father, and however deep his own grief, however much resentment he’d borne me over the years, he should have been there for me, his only son who was still a child. But he wasn’t. He left me alone to try and make some kind of sense of what had happened, even though there was no sense.
“His behaviour had always been erratic but after Mum died it became worse. For weeks on end, he couldn’t bare to look at me, and it’s only now I think it was because I reminded him of her and of what he’d lost. But never, not once, did he acknowledge the pain of my loss, or do anything to try and ease it. And that’s something I can never forgive him for.
“You accused me of running away. You were right. As soon as I turned eighteen that’s exactly what I did. I ran away from him. I ran away from a cold house, filled with anger and fear. I ran away from the whole Love heritage. I wanted nothing to do with any of it, but more than that I hated it, and I vowed that when the time came I’d sweep it all away as though it had never been. I don’t regret the choice I made because I had to get out for my own sanity, if nothing else. But I’ve never stopped running, since the day I left. But I—I can’t do it, not anymore, I can’t spend my life running away…”
Pausing, taking a breath, gathering his courage that would desert him if he didn’t push through, he looked up and met Ryan's gaze.
“That's all because of you. You make me not want to run.” His words were no more than a whisper, but they were the loudest, bravest, most honest words he'd ever said.
Ryan said nothing, only stared, his features expressionless and unreadable. In the heavy, thick silence, the only thing Alex could hear was the thud of his heart and his own ragged breathing.
His skin itched and tingled under Ryan’s scrutiny but he had to meet it, had to not drop his gaze from Ryan’s.
At last, Ryan spoke, his words measured and quiet.
“Yeah, I accused you of running away. But it wasn’t all I accused you of, was it?”
Alex shook his head. “No, it wasn’t.”
“I said you were scared. Are you, Alex?”
“Scared? You can’t even begin to know how much.”
"What of? Tell me what you’re scared of?” Ryan spoke so quietly, the words were barely more than a breath.
Alex leaned forward, tugged by an invisible rope. He gazed up at Ryan, into the eyes that had always seen through him.
"Love. Of being in love, with you.”
He’d said it. The word that frightened him so much, the word he had believed he’d never say to anybody, ever since the morning of his eighteenth birthday when he’d vowed to leave and never look back.
Alex’s heart hammered. A bead of sweat crawled down his backbone as the knots in his stomach writhed like serpents.
He was laying his heart on the line, owning the fear that had always snapped and snarled at his heels. If Ryan shook his head, if he didn’t want his cowering fear-filled heart, if he turned away because it was too damn late for them, he'd survive. He’d limp on, going through the motions of living as he hid in the half light and the shadows, still at heart that scared and broken boy. He'd done it before, he'd do it again. He could weep for the sadness of it.
“You’re scared?” Ryan placed his palms on either side of Alex’s face, his touch firm and steady. Alex pushed into their warmth, powerless to deny his need. “You’re scared? Is that all, Alex, is that the extent of it? Because I’m fucking terrified.”
Ryan pressed his lips to his in a long, slow kiss, and Alex’s eyelids fluttered to a close.
Deep, strong and sure, the kiss was like the man himself. Alex’s heart began to calm, its frantic beat slowing, growing quieter.
He wasn't scared. Not anymore.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-SIX
Alex shifted, and Ryan pulled him closer. No way was he letting Alex go, even for a minute, not when he’d almost lost him. The log burner glowed, its gentle crackle a reminder that autumn waited in the wings. A steady fall of rain beat against the windows, but they’d drawn the curtains tight, sealing off the outside world because tonight it was them and them alone.
They’d left the pub together, leaving behind stunned silence and open mouthed, wide-eyed stares. His friends had looked almost cartoonish in their shock but he’d met his nan’s level gaze, and seen understanding in her shrewd old eyes. He’d murmured to her that he’d be back in the morning, but he didn’t know if that were true or not.
“We need to talk.” Alex eased out of Ryan’s hold and sat up.
“Thought you’d said it all in the pub. You know, where you told me you love me?” Ryan raised a brow as Alex flushed, but he was right, they did need to talk because there was more at stake than just them.
Ryan watched as Alex settled into the corner of the sofa and curled in on himself, just as he had on the night when they’d rescued each other from another storm.
“The development. I’m not going to proceed with the submitted plans.”
The words punched a hole in Ryan’s chest. Thank god, thank the sun, the moon and the stars, thank whoever the fuck…
