Page 79 of Meeting Mr. Adorkable
Arlo looked down and sucked in a breath, his hair falling forward. Lucian itched to run his fingers through it, but he clenched his hands into fists.
“Each time, I’ve thrown myself in. Wholeheartedly. Believing this will be it, this is the one that’s going to last a lifetime. None of them have.”
“That doesn’t mean we can’t work. You’re condemning us to fail before we’ve properly started. I’m not Tony, I’m not those others. You’re scared. Do you think I don’t get it? Because I am too. I came here to get over what happened with Miles.
“That bastard ripped me apart, almost from day one. Fucking hell, I even grew my hair longer than it’d ever been and started wearing non-prescription glasses, all so that I could hide behind them. I was a basket case. He made me believe I was unworthy, that I was sub fucking par. That I was unloveable.
“But then you happened, Arlo. You made me believe in myself again, when everybody else in my life had long stopped. He took my self respect away, along with my dignity and pride, but he never took away the belief that love was worth fighting for, worth putting myself on the line for. If after everything I’ve been through, I can still believe in that, why can’t you?”
“Love?”
“Yes. Love. I love you, Arlo.”
The heavy, rapid thump of Lucian’s heart drowned out every sound. He’d said the word he’d been wary of. It was out in the open and waiting for Arlo to pick up and hug to his chest.
“Love. Oh, baby, you’ve got so much love inside of you. Don’t waste it on me.”
“Why would it be wasted? I don’t understand.”
“Because I’m not a good bet. If I know anything about myself, I know that much.”
“I don’t believe that. You’re a very good bet for me.”
“No, I’m not. I just don’t believe I have it in me to make a relationship go the distance. Something’s missing. In me. There’s some kind of defect, and I wish to god I knew what it was. I won’t subject you to that — I don’t want you to end up being a casualty of my failure.”
Arlo reached for Lucian’s hands and Lucian let him take them, too tired, too weak, too defeated to not let him. He watched Arlo’s thumb sweep over his knuckles.
“You came here to take a breath and create some space between you and what happened with Miles. It was a kind of sabbatical, I guess, from your life.”
“Sabbatical. It’s what my family has put on the website. Some fucking sabbatical.”
“But the thing about them is that they’re temporary. And that’s what you being here is. You’ve got your whole life in front of you, with an amazing talent with a whole stage to show it on.
“Your family loves you and has your best interests at heart, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. You have so much waiting for you. And then you met me, and what’s happened? I’ve driven a wedge between you and your folks, and you’re ready to give everything up for me. I’m not worth the risk. Don’t bet your heart on me, because it’ll end up broken. Both our hearts will.”
“Talk about fucking brutal.” Lucian pulled his hands away and hugged himself around the middle, holding himself together as the blood from the wounds of Arlo’s words bled out. He shivered, frozen to the bone.
“My family’s angry and upset, but they would’ve come round. I was prepared to leave everything behind me, that big bright future you talk about. I could have that big bright future here, with you. But you don’t want it, do you? You don’t want me.”
“I do want you. I want you too much, and that’s why we need to stop, because I’ll end up hurting you more than you can ever know. I’m not prepared to let that happen.”
Lucian laughed, hysteria breaking through as he held himself tighter, as he fought to stop himself from falling apart.
“You’ll end up hurting me? What’s with the future tense? You’re hurting me now, Arlo. Now. You’re hurting me more than you could ever fucking know.”
“Lu—”
“No.” Lucian pushed his arm out. “Everything you’ve said, about saving me from a broken heart, it’s bullshit. But do you know what’s worse? It’s that you’ve shown yourself to be a liar and a coward.”
“What?” Arlo jerked back, his eyes wide.
Lucian leaned forward. “Yes, you heard me. You’re a liar. A liar by omission. You’re running scared, Arlo, not for how you’ll end up crushing poor little Lucian, you’re scared for yourself. You’re scared to take a chance on a new beginning, you’re scared to put your heart on the line, you’re scared of what could be. You’ve been hurt before, but you never wrote the book on heartbreak. But the book you did write? It’s called cowardice. Everything you’ve said has been a smoke screen to hide your craven heart. I never took you for being a coward, Arlo, but it’s what you are.”
“Lucian, please. I—”
“Just go, Arlo. Take your excuses and your lies and your cowardly heart with you.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-NINE
