Page 50 of Sparring Partners
“I really don’t feel like sitting down, thank you.” Jonathan’s arms tightened over his chest. “So, this is a Dear John, is it?”
“What? No, it’s not like that.” A Dear John, the rejection of a lover. But they weren’t lovers, never had been, because a couple or so unsatisfying, unmemorable… But they weren’t words he could sling Jonathan’s way.
“We were never serious. Not in the way you’re thinking. We agreed from the start that we wouldn’t get involved?—”
“I wanted us to be involved, Luca. It was never casual anduninvolved. Not for me.”
Luca jerked back, the vehemence in Jonathan’s voice a hard slap landing on his cheek.
“When you said you didn’t wish to pursue an intimate relationship…”
Sex, I said I didn’t want sex.At least not with Jonathan. Nervous laughter bubbled up inside Luca. Jesus, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. How could he have been so blind?
“I realised you were keen, Jonathan, of course I did, which is why?—”
“Keen? How perceptive of you. For an intelligent man, you’re making yourself sound rather stupid. When you rejected?—”
“Jonathan, please?—“
“When yourejectedme,” Jonathan said, his words like his stare drilling into Luca, “I felt humiliated and, yes, inadequate when you told me you didn’t want that aspect of our relationship. Did you ever stop to think about that?”
“I—I’m sorry. I never meant to do that, to make you feel like that. You have to believe me. The intimacy…” Intimacy. The word tasted wrong in his mouth, because intimacy was about so much more than sex.
Adrian, unbidden, flashed into his head, his dark smirk seeming to see into the heart of him. Luca jumped as Jonathan launched himself at the table, dragging out a chair and falling into it.
“But I could accept it. Because I made myself accept it. I didn’t like it, it tore me up inside, but I was willing to go along with it because it was worth it to be with you.” Jonathan clutched at Luca’s hands, squeezing hard. “You needed time, that was all, and I was and still am willing to give you all the time you need. Luca, we’re good together. Don’t you see that? I’ll take it as slow as you want.”
“Jonathan, please.” Luca tried to pull his hand free, but Jonathan’s grip was a vice. “Didn’t I also say that my time in Love’s Harbour was limited? That I’d be moving on?” Luca’s stomach flipped. He had said that, and every word of it had been true. Then, but not now. He was staying, but not for the man clutching his hands as hard as he clutched at straws.
“Yes, you did tell me. But I thought, hoped, prayed,believedyou’d change your mind. Or if you did move to another job, we could be long distance. Not ideal, but I’d have accepted it. Because as I got to know you, it all changed for me. I’m… very fond of you, Luca. Very fond. I believe we’re not only good for each other, but goodfor?—”
“No. Jonathan, just listen to me. Us becoming a couple, a real couple, it wasn’t something I was looking for. I was always upfront about the two of us. If I ever gave you any other impression then I’m sorry.” He pulled his hands free from Jonathan’s. “I never meant to hurt you?—”
“You didn’t want to hurt me?” Jonathan sneered. “Well, that’s good of you, Luca. Very good indeed. But let’s get to the crux of it, shall we? Why don’t you tell me, exactly, why you’re here? What is it you need to tell me? Why don’t you spell it out in words this idiot can understand, because I don’t believe you’ve told me theactualreason for your visit.”
Jonathan leant back in his chair. The man who’d always looked at Luca with a smile on his lips and hope in his eyes wasn’t looking at him like that now.
“I’m here because there’s something I feel you have a right to know, and I wanted to be the one to tell you. This is as difficult for me as it is for you.”
Jonathan’s rough laughter filled the kitchen. “Really? I accused you of being stupid earlier, but perhaps you’re just delusional.”
Luca drew in a deep breath. The urge to get up and walk away was strong, but he had to see this through. “I value your friendship and I always have?—”
“Have you now? So magnanimous of you to throw poor Jonathan some breadcrumbs.He can’t have me, but he can have my friendship.Thank you, Luca, for that very generous offer.”
“This isn’t getting us anywhere. I’m sorry. I think perhaps it’s best I go.”
“I think,perhaps, it’s best you tell me why you’re here, don’t you? I apologise if it proves to be a little awkward for you. Who is it, Luca? Tell me who it is you’ve become more than friends with, because I think I’m owed some honesty from you. Not that it’s been much in evidence, it would seem.”
“I’ve never been dishonest with you.” Yet even as he said the words, they rankled inside.Be honest with him…you’re leading him on…Hadn’t both Alex and Adrian said the same thing to him? In trying to keep Jonathan as a friend, he’d sent out all the wrong signals. Jesus, what a fucking, godawful mess he’d made.
Luca swallowed, wetting his dry throat. When he said the name, he was going to say it clearly.
“Adrian. Adrian Hardy.”
Jonathan stared at him, the blood draining from his face. “That farmer?” He whispered. “That rude, ill-tempered,oafishfarmer?” Jonathan’s voice rose to a near shout. “You’re turning your back on me forthat?”
Luca stiffened. The tight chain of nerves that had made him feel sick broke and fell away, as his own anger began to rise and take its place. Pulling his shoulders back and tilting his chin, he held Jonathan’s angry gaze.
