Page 39 of Meeting Mr. Christmas
Lucian rubbed the back of his neck, his brow creasing as he stared down at the table. He looked up, his gaze steady anddirect as it met Jed’s own. Jed’s heart picked up the pace, unsure of the turn the conversation was about to take.
“I always knew I was gay. Same for Arlo. But there’s an elephant in the room, isn’t there?”
“I don’t understand?—”
Lucian held his hand up, and Jed fell silent.
“You’ve always dated girls. If you’re curious, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be with a guy, if there’s a part of you that wants to explore and experiment, if that’s at the heart of this, then go explore, go experiment. Just don’t do it with Noel. Don’t put that rock solid friendship you have at risk because true friendship, like true love, is a scarce commodity in this world.”
A bead of sweat meandered down the V of Jed’s backbone. The lavender infused air turned heavy and sickly, making it hard to breathe. He swallowed and forced the words through lips that had become arid and rough.
“This isn’t me wanting to… to experiment. I’d never do that to him. Sure, I’ve always dated girls. I like girls, I like them a lot. I just like Noel a whole lot more.”
“Noel in particular, or guys more generally? You need to think before you answer.”
Jed shook his head. “Not guys. I’ve never been interested, haven’t ever thought about… you know. Men just don’t do it for me.”
“Except for one very particular man.”
“Yes,” Jed croaked. “He’s always come first. Whenever I was with other friends or on a date, I’d always be wishing I was with Noel instead. He’s always who I’ve wanted to be with more than anybody and… and I just can’t see that changing.” Jed raked his trembling fingers through his hair. The words were coming faster and harder, like a river breaching a dam. “He’s been dating again, and I hate that, just like I’ve hated all his boyfriends. Because they took him away from me. I told myself,and him, they were all losers, but they weren’t. Because I was the loser. I was the loser because it wasn’t me who was with him. What I feel aboutNoel, what I’ve always felt forhim, I just didn’t have the guts to face head on. It’s not about wanting to experiment or explore. He’s not some sort of exotic ice cream flavor I want to taste before saying, no, reckon I’ll stick with vanilla. Fuck. Ice cream? What the hell am I saying?” Jed slumped over the table and covered his head with his arms.
The crinkle of cellophane, the rustle of tissue paper, the opening and closing of the cooler. He sat upright, and watched as Lucian tended to the single red rose, giving it as much attention as he would the grandest of bouquets.
“A beautiful red rose, the flower of love. It’s the only one left. I think it needs to go to a good home, don’t you?”
“What—”
Lucian pushed the exquisitely presented rose across the table towards Jed. “That road map I talked about. You’re holding it in your hands, and have been for years. All you need to do is follow it and it’ll take you to where you’re meant to be. Go find Noel, Jed, and tell him how much you love him.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Noel hunched over his table, tucked in the corner of the bar. The lights were low, the wavering candle flames cast deep shadows, the jazz the quartet played was moody and sombre, music for the lost, lonely and lovelorn. It was an odd choice for early evening on Christmas Eve, but Noel was glad of it as it matched his mood. A few people had called out to him, wishing him a happy holiday, but that had been all; no doubt they sensed his mood wasn’t in keeping with the festive spirit that had taken hold of the town and was shaking it by the throat. He looked at his watch. At almost 7:00pm, he should have been well into his date by now. The same guy as yesterday. It had been fun. Or kind of. Or not really. But at least it had banished thoughts of Jed for a while.
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, Christmas. You never know, you might just come to believe it.
The set finished, the music replaced by the hum of chatter punctuated with laughter. Everybody was in good spirits, the countdown to Christmas Day already underway. Noel groaned. How was he going to get through it? How was he going to sit next to Jed and pretend everything was okay between them, that everything was as it had always been, just two best buds hangingout together, when nothing was the same and never would be again?
Jed… And where was he this evening? In Randy’s or Jake’s Tap, or in any of the other bars that had sprung up over the last couple of years. Drinking and laughing, he’d be the center of attention with a pretty girl in attendance, just like it’d always been. A girl Jed would slip his arm around and pull in tight for a long, slow kiss?—
“Fuck.” The word was more of a hiss, pushed out between hard clenched teeth. He squeezed his eyes closed and rubbed hard, trying to scrub away the image of Jed doing what Jed always did. And that was the problem. Jed would always have a pretty girl and some day one of those pretty girls would become a fiancée, and then a wife, his long ago foray to the other side of the tracks forgotten as though it had never existed. But it would always exist for Noel. It would never be forgotten. He massaged his chest over the sore patch, where his battered and bruised heart beat out its sad little rhythm.
“I can’t go on like this,” he whispered to nobody in his dark, shadowy corner. Everything had changed, no matter what paper they’d attempted to plaster over the cracks. He couldn’t live a patched-up life. He couldn’t wait for what was never going to happen. Noel swigged back his beer. His life had to change, and only he could change it by doing something radical that would put him on a completely fresh path. In the new year, he was going to visit with his folks in Florida, where he’d talk to them about relocating. They’d love that. A new start, they’d say, and he’d agree, keeping his secret that his new start could also be called running away.
He called for another beer, swirling around the rich flavors in his mouth. It’d be his last, then he’d go home, cuddle up with Peter, maybe give him his Christmas gifts early before climbing into bed and hiding under the covers.Happy fucking Christmas.
Closing his eyes and slouching down into his seat, the band started up again. Not the mellow sounds of before, but a jazz rendition of a popular upbeat carol. Noel groaned. Sure, it was more suited to the season, but it wasn’t suited tohim.
The music, the rumble of chatter, the warmth, and the beer that had hit a near empty stomach pulled him into a light doze. The hubbub of the bar faded to no more than a soft background hum. He’d leave soon, head out, go home… just a few minutes more…
“Hey, Noel.”
Noel groaned. What kind of fuckery was this? He didn’t want to hear Jed’s voice, not when Jed was some place else, with that pretty girl on his arm. It wasn’t fair. He pushed himself deeper into his seat.
“Wake up, babe.”
Closer this time. Babe… It was a joke name, couldn’t remember how it’d started… always rolled his eyes when Jed called him that at the same time he hugged it tight. A weight pressed down on his shoulder, accompanied by a light shake. Noel’s eyes snapped open.
Noel blinked as he stared up at the flesh and blood Jed who was staring down at him. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you with your girlfriend?” The pretty girl on his arm who… he rubbed his eyes as he pushed himself out of his slouch. A dream, as he’d hovered in the no-man's-land between sleep and wakefulness. But sleep was fading fast.
