Page 47 of Melting His Grumpy Heart
“He’d been reading them for months, he said he was trying to understand me better, to ‘bridge the gap’ between my military life and our relationship.”
He looked up at Ru, at his sombre, serious expression, at the bruises across his nose that, though still livid, were beginning to fade, and at the compassion in his big grey eyes. Jake’s fists relaxed as something caught in his heart.
“When I told him those journals were the one thing I’d asked him to respect as private, he got defensive,” Jake said quietly. “He said I was overreacting, that partners shouldn’thave secrets. That if I trusted him, I wouldn’t be so upset about him reading my private thoughts.”
“Sounds like emotional manipulation to me. Kind of know what that’s like.” Ru’s lips curved downwards.
“My trust in him was gone after that. He couldn’t seem to get it, the way he’d violated a boundary, then tried to make it my fault for having the boundary in the first place.”
“Betrayal’s the worse kind of infidelity. There’s no way back from that.” No platitudes, just a straightforward statement of fact eased the tightness inside of Jake. “Especially with something so utterly personal.”
Jake paused, as he looked back over the years. Licking his parched lips, he continued.
“Things fell apart from there. Slowly at first, then all at once. He started complaining about living here. It was too isolated, too quiet, there was no ‘culture.’ The internet connection wasn’t fast enough for his work. The nearest decent coffee shop was a good twenty miles away.” A bitter smile twisted Jake’s mouth. “All the things about a life in the country he’d claimed to want when we were in London were suddenly the things he couldn’t stand.”
“Do—do you think there was more to it? Other than him trashing your trust in him?”
“Are you asking if there was somebody else?”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t…”
“It would have been a lot easier if that’d been the case. I think. But no. I’m sure about that. It’s not like there’s much opportunity around here. Or not unless you have an unhealthy interest in sheep or ponies.” Their eyes met, tiny smiles lifting both their lips for just the briefest of moments. “The problem was that he’d destroyed my trust in him, trashed it like you say, but it also made me realise that we wanted fundamentally different things. That maybe we always had.”
He looked away again, finding it easier to continue without the weight of Ru’s gaze.
“We lasted about eighteen months, from when we moved in. I came home after a stint of rough camping with clients, and he was packing. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. The isolation, the quiet, being so far from what he called real life, blaming everything except the one thing that had caused the rot in the first place. He told me he was going back to London.”
Jake fell silent, remembering the cold finality of that moment. Phil’s suitcases by the door, and his undisguised relief to be leaving.
“He gave me his new address. To forward on any post even though he’d set up a redirect.” Jake stared into the distance as he looked back over those last moments. “He had a new job lined up and a flat already arranged. It was all very neat and well planned. He bundled everything into his car and drove off. I didn’t argue, didn’t beg him to stay, I just watched him go. So that’s it.” His voice was laced with a weariness that went bone-deep. “I’d given up everything I’d spent fifteen years building. I left the life I loved and the purpose I’d found for a relationship that wasn’t what I thought it was. For someone who turned out to be someone I didn’t know, and who never actually wanted the life he said he did.”
Silence wound its way around them, broken only by the sound of the rain hitting the windows. Jake kept his eyes on his hands, unable to look at Ru, his story of failure leaving him stripped naked.
“It’s not easy, is it, feeling like you’ve been made a fool of. That what you thought was solid ground under your feet was really nothing more than shifting sand. Kind of looks like we’re two of a kind.”
“It’s not something I talk about,” Jake said, the words rough at the edges. “Ever.”
“I understand why. Thank you. For trusting me enough to tell me.”
Jake glanced up briefly, before looking away again. “I needed to explain. About how I’ve been, since we… That was the first time I opened myself up…”And it scared me to death.“I’m sorry. About how I’ve been. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“As the saying goes.”
Jake winced at the sharpness in Ru’s voice, but Christ, could he blame him? “I didn’t mean to shut you out. I’m not used to having to think of others. Reckon I’ve been on my own for too long.”
Alone. And lonely. His solitude had allowed him to lick his wounds in private after Phil had gone. He’d needed that time to heal as best he could, but it had become ingrained, a habit. A habit Ru’s presence had disrupted, challenging him from the moment he’d found him huddled in the barn.
“What happens now?”
Jake met Ru’s gaze. “I’ve got no bloody idea.”
Ru snorted. “You and me both.”
Jake watched as Ru hugged his knees to his chest and gazed into the fire, lost in the flames.
They both had a lot to think about. There had been no point in lying. Jake had no clue as to what came next. He didn’t know if he was capable of being more than what he’d become since Phil had left. Maybe it was time to try, to find out, but as he watched Ru stare into the flames, Jake didn’t think he’d ever been as terrified as he was now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
