Page 54 of Melting His Grumpy Heart
“I don’t want to go back.”
Moving to the table on heavy, leaden legs, he put down his mug, but his hands shook and he knocked it over, the remains of the coffee pooling on the scarred wood. Neither of them noticed.
“I can’t go back. To how things were before you arrived. The silence. The… emptiness of it.” The admission stripped him bare, exposed him in a way that made his heart race. “But it scares me, the idea of changing what I’ve been so used to.” He let his head drop, no longer able to face Ru’s gaze. He’d spent his life being strong and self-contained but here, now, it was all being stripped away, the defences he’d built around himself falling piece by piece.
“Then don’t.”
“It’s not as easy as that. It can’t be,” he said, aware even as he spoke that he was retreating to familiar ground, to all the complications, obstacles, and the reasons why not.
“Isn’t it? Not sure I’d agree. But right here, right now, I’m asking you a simple question, Jake. Do you, truly and honestly, want your life to return to exactly how it’s been since Phil left? Because it can. We can chalk this up to extraordinary circumstances and go our separate ways.”
The possibility sent a jolt of panic through Jake’s chest. He gripped the edge of the table to steady himself. The thought of returning to the silence and solitude that had been both his refuge and his prison, suddenly seemed unbearable…
Yet…
It would be easier in so many ways. Safer. The path of least resistance. He could allow Ru to leave when the roads cleared,and he’d return to the life he’d built. Part of him, the part still raw with old wounds, urged him to retreat to familiar ground.
But another part rebelled against it. The part that had felt truly alive for the first time in years during these days with Ru. The part that had rediscovered laughter and light, and sunshine. Of discovering Ru.
“No.” His voice was no more than a whisper, as he turned to face Ru. “No, I don’t want that.”
Ru gave him a shaky smile. “Guess what? Neither do I.”
Jake looked across at Ru, looking so right and at home at the kitchen table, looking as if the belonged there. Jake’s chest constricted. Because he did belong there, he belonged there with him.
Yet…
“And what if it doesn’t work?” Jake asked, voicing the fear that still lurked beneath. “What if we try and it falls apart? I don’t know if I could?—”
Survive it.
He didn’t know if he could survive another loss, another confirmation that connection, that… love… could never be his.
“If we try and it doesn’t work, then at least we tried. We’d know we didn’t let fear make the decision for us.”
Ru came and stood before him, gazing at him with courage and conviction. But there was trepidation there, too. The words and what they meant, the step away from the known into a new and dangerous territory, wasn’t just costing him, it was costing Ru, too.
Danger.
He’d been a soldier, wasstilla soldier in his heart. Wasn’t danger what he did, who he was?
Ru took Jake’s hand in his, the touch grounding Jake. He looked down at their joined hands, then at Ru’s face, findingno false promises, only honest and open acknowledgment of the risk.
“It’s a leap of faith. But what else do we have? Because isn’t that what life’s all about? We can never really know how things’ll turn out, but what’s the alternative? We just decide what’s worth the risk.”
Ru’s words settled in Jake’s heart. A leap of faith. Take the leap into the unknown, or step back and never know what could have been. He’d stepped back, after Phil, letting himself become frozen, defensive, protecting himself by avoiding all that could open him up to pain. He’d stepped back from life. Now, like the melting snow outside, the freeze inside of him was thawing.
“You’ve got that grumpy face again.”
“What?” Jake’s eyes widened. “I’m just?—”
“Tying yourself into knots. This is only as complicated as we want to make it and I don’t know about you, but I’ve had more than enough complications in my life in recent years. Do you want us to try, Jake? That’s the only question that needs answering for now.”
Their gazes locked. Did he want to try to build something with Ru beyond the bubble of the storm?
There could only be one answer.
“I do.” The words, said aloud in the quiet of the kitchen, were both terrifying and liberating. “I want this. To try, at least.”
