Page 29 of Wrong Place, Wright Time
“I should have seen this coming,” I say once I’ve calmed down. “He asked me about kids a few months ago, and I explained that I wasn’t willing to bring a child into this world when I can’t guarantee stability, and I thought he was OK with that. He said he understood.”
“Does he want kids?”
“Yeah. He said he wants it all—the wedding, the kids, the happy ever after.”
She smiles softly. “And what do you want?”
I look up and meet her green eyes. “I want to not feel like this,” I say, a fresh bout of tears flowing down my cheeks. “It’s not that I don’t want kids myself—I do. I just don’t want to mess them up the way every kid in my family is messed up. Taking marriage off the table in the beginning was supposed to be the thing that stopped things from ending like this. But it seems I’m doomed to repeat the same cycle, over and over. I just…I can’t do this again. I’m not equipped to keep getting my heart broken.”
“Oh honey.” She places her hand on mine and gives it a squeeze. “It’s not marriage that’s the enemy here. From what I know and saw of your past relationships, it was the men being narcistic cunts that caused your unhappiness. I don’t think Banks is like that.”
“So what are you saying? That I should backflip on everything I’ve said and give into the guy? I thought you hated the idea of marriage.”
“I do,” she says, taking a steady breath as she searches my eyes and pleads for understanding. “And I’m not telling you to backflip, but I am going to point out that you have been married before. So that means you believed in it once – twice, even —so I guess what I’m saying is that you just have to have a good look at this situation and do what’s right for you. Are you against marriage because it failed? Or do you hate it deep down to your core? Because I kind of get the sense that you don’t hate marriage, you hate having your heart broken.”
I nod as I dab my tissue at my eye. “You’re right. I do.”
“If you love Banks the way you say you do, then maybe he’s worth taking the risk of trying again for? Maybe, since you’ve already built a relationship on honesty, friendship and trust, you’ll have a marriage like that too. And I’m not saying that you have to run out and marry the guy right away then start popping out his children, but maybe…just maybe…it’s worth reconsidering.”
“If Andy came to you and said he wanted to get married and start a family, would you give yourself the same advice?”
Pressing her lips together, she laces her hands in her lap and sits back against her chair with a sigh. “I know. I sound like a hypocrite. But Andy and I have a different set of values than most—and we will have kids one day, they just won’t be born in wedlock. But to answer your question, if he came to me and explained that it was a relationship-ending decision for him to get married, then yes, I would consider it. Sometimes little pieces of paper and gold bands are important to people, and in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn’t changehow Ilove him, but if it makes him feel more complete, I’m OK with that. But I wouldn’t change my name,” she says, smiling as she pushes up from the chair. “That’s mine. I guess what I’m saying here is to just follow your heart, Isla. Love is about compromise, it’s about giving a little to get something really amazing in return, and from how happy you’ve been this past six months with Banks… gosh I’d hate to see you give that up because of a couple of turd burgers who treated you badly. You deserve your happy ever after—marriage, no marriage, kids, no kids. Whatever it isyourheart wants, go out there and make it happen.”
“Gosh. You’ve made all the mush in my head even mushier.”
“I know. But you’re gonna be OK. And I’ll still be here no matter what you decide.” I nod, blowing out a heavy breath as she exits my office, leaving me on my own with a hell of a lot to think about, because at the end of the day, I don’t really know what I want anymore. Well…besides Banks, of course. But the question is, can I want what Banks wants?
I have a lot of soul searching to do.
Banks
“You look like shit.” I step back as Ronan pushes his way into my apartment and takes a slow look around. “When was the last time you cracked a window in here?” He lifts the lid of an empty pizza box then dusts off his hands. “Better yet, when was the last time you went outside? Took a shower? Shaved?”
“I’ve showered,” I grumble, picking up the pizza box and as many empty beer bottles as I can manage. Ronan scoops up the rest of the mess and follows me into the kitchen, tossing it into the trash before he lets out a steady breath.
“Talk to me, man. This isn’t you.”
“Yeah. Well, it is now.” I move back into the living room and drop my weight onto the couch, putting my feet up on the coffee table.
Ronan takes the seat next to me. “You know, in all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you torn up over a single girl. What was it that is different about this one?”
I shrug as I fold my arms across my chest. “She got me. I could be myself around her.”
“Could she be herself around you?”
“Yeah. It was the whole point of us being together. We wanted someone who liked similar things and who itfeltgood to be with. We were just so fucking compatible, and I’ve never had that with anyone in my life before. But she didn’t want any strings and I…well, I did.”
“And now it’s over. Just like that?”
I shrug again. “I’m not sure how it’s supposed to keep going when we both want different things.”
“What do you mean you both want different things, man? When you started dating Isla, you told me she’s twice divorced and really nervous about repeating the mistakes of her past, right?”
“Right.”
“And then you said that you were going toproveto her that you weren’t anything like those other guys. You said you were gonna stick it out, no matter how hard she pushed because youknewyou two were made for each other.”
“Yeah, but—”
