Page 66 of A Loser by Christmas
Calum stops dead.
The lifeboat moves on without him, guided and supported by a village that would support him too if they knew his struggle.
A splash soon follows. Calum misses getting to see that launch for himself, which means I’ll have to work even harder to make sure he’ll get to see the launch of that second boat he ordered from Dad. I make a start when we’re all back at the boat transporter, where I pass an incubator holding an egg to someone who knows how to find a safe home for a baby.
“Dad, could you make sure Calum’s mother gets this? Ask her to look after it until we’re done here.”
I watch mon père head uphill with a crowd of Trelawney giants. The one giant I want to keep sits beside me in a cab lit by my laptop. It illuminates Calum’s reaction to a finished contest entry no one else but Dad has witnessed.
Calum watches himself saying different versions of “I want to see,” while I focus on his face. I don’t need to look at the screen to watch him make the same wish under the London Eye as he did in a famous toy shop. He repeats it across candlelit tables and in an alley where he couldn’t have been any clearer.
“I’ve got a chance of a better deal for me long term.”
A more recent clip is just as truthful.
“I still have things left on my list to see.”
All I want this Christmas is for him to get to do that—to see forever—and a final snippet caught by a motion-activated camera this morning seals that deal for me.
“Beautiful.”
Calum says that in the cabin of a boat where his body shields me from view. All anyone would see is him, and all they’d hear is him being honest.
“I want to see you while I still can.”
While I still can.
That worry is what left him grey on so many mornings. I know it. So does Calum. I can tell by the careful way he closesmy laptop, and by the kiss he gives me after we leave the boat transporter behind and reach a cottage together.
He cups my face.
Snags a wave of my hair.
Kisses me even harder. “Wanted to tell you, Valentin. Nearly did so many times. And I wanted to tell them, but didn’t want to ruin their Christmas before I knew for certain if I made it onto the trial.”
He means the Trelawneys crowded inside this cottage who greet me like some kind of hero. I assume that’s because I didn’t give up on a duckling until his mother hugs me and whispers, “Thank you for trying to help him,” so I guess I’m not alone in having a parent who never stopped watching out for their kid struggling.
I struggle too when Calum steers me to a room where a log fire crackles on a TV screen. He closes the door, shutting us inside where he gives me his blessing. “Do it. Submit your entry. It doesn’t matter that no one will see it in time to make a difference to me. Upload it anyway. Get that win for you. And for whoever comes after me.”
He leaves me to do that, but winning isn’t on my mind when I join him after pressing an upload button. I’m too busy being welcomed by a much bigger family than mine to join in with their Christmas.
At least participating in this early celebration means I get to witness Calum watching his mother open a new tree ornament.
I lose the next few hours too by watching him soak up every moment.
It passes all too quickly, Calum’s time to leave for the US fast approaching.
He holds my hand the whole time we share a festive dinner. Calum eats one-handed while I record every moment so that, come what may, he’ll get to hear Jack and Reece pullingChristmas crackers with Patrick and Seb even if he can’t watch it one day soon.
He definitely sees Dad sliding his phone out of his pocket to read a notification. My hockey player is as observant here as he has been on so many ice rinks. From the far end of the table, he spots Dad glance at me and then frown. Calum asks, “Problem?” and his hand tightening around mine feels protective.
“No. Just a notification from a channel I subscribe to.” Dad’s gaze slides to me, and I don’t need any protection from this understanding. From his pride. I love to see it. “I’ll watch it later.”
His smile feels like approval. A gift I didn’t know I wanted.
I get another one not too long later.
Calum’s phone rings.
