Page 69 of The Deathless One
She smiled, her teeth covered in blood. “You think I chose correctly, then? You’re not mad?”
“How could I be angry at you?” Releasing her bloody hand, he stroked her cheek with the back of his finger. “You took their pain, Jessamine, even though it hurt you. You are the queen this kingdom deserves, and I’m sorry not all of them see it.”
She blew out a breath and watched him as he settled on the ground next to her. He didn’t know how much she wanted him around, considering he was the reason for her death. He should have been here, and yet, he was so weak he could not protect his own gravesinger. But still, he placed his hand right next to hers. Just a hairsbreadth away from touching her.
A rattle from her chest made him tense for a moment before it eased. Then her hand shifted a bit toward his, just a little, and suddenly her pinky was placed over his own. Almost as though they were holding hands.
“I know it sounds silly, but I wish you were here.” She stared up at the smoggy sky and added, “Really here.”
Should he be ashamed of the spike of anxiety and hope that tore through his chest? Perhaps this was the moment he’d been waiting for. Perhaps she would summon him into the realm now, in a desperate bid to save her own life.
“You could make that happen, you know.”
All those hopes were dashed at the sound of her laughter. The chuckle filled the cold alleyway with warmth, even though she was dying right in front of him. “And what would I unleash upon my kingdom?”
He snorted. “A true terror.”
“Malice incarnate.”
“Madness that would spread like your infected.”
“I’d forever be known as the queen who unleashed darkness upon her realm.” But she snorted after saying it, her words softened by her tone. “I don’t know what you will do if and when you get a physical form. I cannot leave my people in your powerful hands, Elric. I’m so sorry for that.”
“I expected nothing less.”
And truly, he didn’t. It was a dangerous game to play, unleashing a god. He wished he was a better man in that moment. He wished he could promise to take care of her home and her people as if they were his own.
But he wouldn’t. They both knew that.
She sighed, the breath rattling a little longer in her lungs. “So I’m really dying?”
“In a way. You’re already dead, you know.” He stroked her pinky with his. “I won’t let you die permanently. Expect much the same as the last time you died.”
“Oh, that’s good, then.”
He could hear the nerves in her voice. The unknown was always so frightening to humans.
“You’ve done this before, nightmare. Surely it’s not as scary the second time.”
That rattling wheeze came again, and the sensation of her slipping away from him. He worried that this would be too hard on her. Already, so much of her life had been too hard.
“It’s slower than the first time,” she whispered. “I can feel myself dying. There’s so much sensation to it. The cold, the feeling of sudden hunger, and also the pain of the ache disappearing. My fingers are going numb, and my lips are harder to move. I think soon I won’t be able to see.”
He hated that she had to go through this. And he hated even more that she would have to do it alone.
Rolling away from the wall, he crouched in front of her again. Elric made sure to lift her hands, pressing them one by one to his lips. “I cannot stay here much longer, Jessamine. I have to be in that realm when you die or I might miss you. And if I miss you, then you’ll actually die.”
“I thought I was already dead.”
“In a way, you are. But in many ways, you aren’t. You’re still here in this realm, aren’t you? You have a body. You have a soul. Everything about you is very much alive. If I lose you in my realm, then you’ll disappear for good and not even a god can bring you back.”
And he’d be stuck there again. Alone. No one would call upon him and no witch would threaten his life. He would never again feel mud between his toes or the sensation of a breeze tousling his hair.
Elric desperately wanted to live again. So even if it felt like he was using her, then he would use her. Because he needed his little nightmare, just as she needed him.
“So you’re… leaving me here?” Those big eyes stared up at him, and he could practically taste her fear. “To die alone?”
His heart shattered into a million pieces. He could feel the shards digging into his very soul as he whispered, “Yes.”
