Page 15 of Carry Me Home
Maya squeezed her toy, not saying anything. Blue globs of oil floated upwards. I second-guessed myself, triple-guessed myself, quadruple-guessed myself while I gently stroked through her curls. Maybe I shouldn’t have given her a choice. Maya struggled with making decisions. But she couldn’t go through life letting other people make her choices for her, could she? Maybe I should have given her only two options. But she was smart; she would know I had left something out. I wished I had a manual. Something to tell me how to be a perfect mom for the person I loved most in the world.
Autism is a spectrum, her doctor had said.There are similarities between children but no one-size-fits-all approach.
So many paths. So many ways to fuck up a kid who deserved nothing less than everything. So many mistakes I had already made—the biggest one being her dad, but somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it, not even a little bit. Because it brought meher.
“Option three,” Maya said finally. She squeezed her toy again.
“Great,” I said. “Xenopus coptodon it is.” I knew this wasn’t the end of it. When we got to X, Maya would struggle again. But that was a problem for future Janie. One thing at a time.
“Mother,” she said. “I don’t wish to alarm you, but I would never name an amphibian Xylophone.”
5
JANIE
“My fuckingbrother got himself fucking shot.”
Shit. My needle slid through the linen fabric and straight into my finger. I kept my head down as Essie stormed into the library multipurpose classroom with all the energy of a very grumpy tornado. You’d think I’d be a good liar by now, considering I’d been practicing since the day I found out I was pregnant with Maya. Unfortunately for me, I had never figured out how to let a falsehood past my lips without looking like my entire ass was on fire.
Fucking inconvenient, actually.
Mostly I solved that problem by keeping my mouth shut. It was better to say nothing at all than spill the truth. I might be a terrible liar, but I was great at keeping secrets. So I clamped my lips around my pulsing finger while my friends made a fuss over Essie’s announcement.
“Is he all right?” James Campos was on her feet in an instant. She pulled Essie into a tight hug. James was engaged to Essie’s husband’s older brother, Adam. They also worked together at Lodestar Ranch training quarter horses for ranch work and the show ring.
“He’s fine now, which is good because I want him in perfect health when I murder him,” Essie grumbled. She tossed her rainbow-colored hair in annoyance and dropped her embroidery bag by the empty seat next to me. “It happened three months ago. Months! He was in the hospital for weeks and didn’t tell us. FuckingJack.”
I clamped my teeth around my finger and focused on the pain so I wouldn’t say what I was thinking.He’s not fine.
“Wow.” Chloe Adams rested her hand on her growing belly. “Is he home now? What happened?”
Essie dropped into her chair with a huff. “He just got back yesterday.” I stabbed my finger again at Jack’s lie.Dammit. “And he’s already leaving again. Can you believe that?”
My head jerked up. “Jack is leaving?” I blurted out. “But—”But he can’t just give me the best orgasm of my life and walk away like it never happened.I clamped my teeth so hard it was a wonder I didn’t break a molar.
It was a one-night stand. I knew that going in. Had I checked my phone a hundred and twenty-seven times in the twenty-four hours since he’d left my bed, just in case I’d missed his call or text? Yes. And that meant I’d been disappointed a hundred and twenty-seven times. Which was stupid because I hadn’t even given him my phone number. People didn’t exchange phone numbers after a meaningless hookup.
Pull it together, Janie.
“Yeah, he’s heading to Wyoming tomorrow. Mom is heartbroken.” Essie’s slumped shoulders told me Cat wasn’t the only one hurting at Jack’s quick retreat. “Apparently he has some friends with a ranch south of Yellowstone National Park. A bunch of old military buddies. He’s going to stay with them for a couple weeks and be back for Christmas.”
Hannah Bell, the librarian and ring leader of our sewing circle, pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Wait…Mercy River Ranch? Is that where he’s going?”
“I think that’s the name he said.” Essie pulled out her embroidery project and settled it on her lap. “You’ve heard of it?”
Hannah nodded. “It’s my brother’s ranch. It’s sort of a half-way house for ex-military. A lot of them struggle with returning to civilian life after leaving military service. Mercy River is a place where the they can pause and take a breath while they figure it out.”
“Huh.” Essie’s brows pushed together. “That’s not Jack. He doesn’t pause.”
My throat itched. I knew, deep in my bones, why Jack was leaving again. He needed to take a breath because he had nearly squeezed the breath right out of me. “Everyone needs a break now and then.”
“You’re not wrong,” Essie admitted. “But it’s hard to picture Jack actually relaxing, you know? He’s like a damn robot. He justgoes.” She sighed as she pulled a stitch taut. “And I miss him, that’s all. I wish he would stay longer.”
“He’ll be back soon,” Chloe reminded her. “This is a good thing he’s doing. So many people in the military refuse to get help.”
“So many cowboys, too,” Hannah murmured, wrinkling her nose to fix her glasses because her hands were full of embroidery. Then she smiled. “Fortunately, they come to their senses with a little push.”
Essie nodded. “The good news is that once Jack is home, he’ll be home for good. He’s fully discharged from military service.”
